And Taking It On The Road

"Maybe being overseas for a year will help you to have the time and space you need without going through the big D," said my mate.

I had an inkling of just how much my husband loves me and wants to remain married last night. I've been talking very recently about getting ESL certification to beef up my teaching credentials so that I could get a full-time job locally, then transition to something in a foreign country.  I am exploring the possibility of life on my own.  But he is talking about staying married even if I go away.  Not just for a week to visit my mum, nor just a week to meet with publishers in New York, nor just some time in bed with other men. If I go away for an entire year to a different continent.

I've always viewed myself as tied to him, limited in where I live to the places he gets a position.  Sort of that whole Ruth/Naomi mentality, y'know?  “Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go...."  When he lost his job in upstate New York, although we'd not sold our home, I moved with him to the west coast.  I could not bear the thought of nights in a bed without him beside me, even if it was only for a short while. 

Now, the notion of standing on my own two feet is absurdly seductive.  Even if it means that I'm sleeping alone.

Maybe that is what I need.  A chance to be on my own for an extended period without actually taking the big step of divorce in order to do so.  It stuns me that my husband is speaking positively about such a thing, that he is not threatened by it.  Were the tables turned, I'm not sure I'd be so sanguine, so accommodating.

And yet, when I reflect upon it, I realize it may well be a sign of real love.  Because if GV asked for such a thing, a la An Affair To Remember, time to get his life in order sans contact with me, I'd try to be positive about it.  If something is meant to be between two people, a bit of separation is not going to prevent it.  He has repeatedly said he has work to do. 

So do I.

Whatever the future holds for the four of us - me and my mate, GV and his - I know that I cannot continue the way I have been.  I need to get my act together.  I need to hit the road.  Repeatedly.  First to see my mum, who is getting older and frailer.  Next to see agents and publishers for my novel's success.  And then, perhaps, to Europe for a year.  We'll see.  I think, though, that the separation would do me a world of good, giving me time to figure out what makes me happiest.
milkynips milkynips
46-50, F
1 Response Sep 18, 2012

Now that's usin' the old noodle.