My Life Was Not Supposed To Be This Way

A small amount of background:   I grew up in a semi-normal, semi dysfunctional (OK, dysfunctional) middle class family with three girls and one boy.  I was a middle child.  Our family was close in the the sense that we did things together and went a lot of places.  Emotionally we were distant.   Everyone drank and I started drinking at 17 and experimenting with drugs and my experiment wen on until I was 31.  I have since been in recovery and sober for 20 years.

During my drinking days I was very promiscuous and every other guy I was with I thought it was the real thing.  I went through a lot of men, and a lot of bad experiences including the death of by 2 day old baby, and the death of my only brother (who was my best friend).  I was raped a few times. I did some really insane & risky things, I changed jobs and places of residences a lot.

Being sober, I have only been in what I would consider one "real" relationship, which lasted 5 years (with a breakup in there).   There was real love there but I also lost myself .... I was helping him because he was sick.....  he was good to me in a lot of ways but verbally & emotionally abusive.

 

That was 10 years ago and I have not been involved with anyone since.  I went back to school, got my bachelors' and then master's degrees.  I worked as a counselor with adolescents and I put all the love and instinct for nurturing into those kids.    Gradually I have let go of them and in the last few years I've been working at home.  So I am alone all the time (not counting my pets).

I never gave up trying to "find a man" and dated occasionally, tried online dating sites, and really got the point where I didn't care anymore.   When I say I didn't care I think I was really in denial!!   However I have, through therapy & support groups, come to a point of feeling pretty good about myself.  And I do need a lot of time alone - - but not this much!!

 

I wish I could say it's OK because I have good friends and family but that's not the case. Family is scattered, friends come & go or are busy.  I am certainly not friendless, just not as connected with people as I wish I were.    And when it comes to men -  I feel invisible most of the time, because I am not skinny and cute anymore.   At least that's what I think.   I used to get attention everywhere, being a fairly good looking young woman.  Now, I still look younger than I am but I am overweight and I have a bad back that ain't getting any better.   I take anti-depressants, I'm not "fit and active", I don't even have all my own teeth (have a partial).  So now when I feel I really have something good to offer, and I am far more interesting, who is going to look past all the flaws and really get to know me?    Perhaps more importantly, where the heck would I meet him!

 

I am trying to get out more and go to group activities and I will continue to do that, as much as it sucks sometimes to go out alone. I know things could be a lot worse but I sure would hate to keep growing older alone and try to handle everything by myself. 

 

I really believed I would get married and have a family.  I always thought that would be the central part of my life.  It it really hard to let go of that.

Rooanne Rooanne
56-60, F
7 Responses Mar 15, 2010

I'm confused. I got a notice I had a recent comment on here but don't see it.

Anyway I am feeling better, less alone, and I think that's due to the fact that I'm doing work that I really like.

You've certainly made a good life for yourself and I know you're proud of your accomplishments. It's tough at our age, to look in a mirror and see all the things we sacrificed instead of the things we gained along the way. I honestly don't know on which side the grass is greener -- but I DO know that love finds us in the most unexpected of ways. Are there Meetup Groups in your area? Would joining a theater, travel and/or movie group (something coed & social that won't stress your back) help put some more prospects on the table??

Yes me too, but you have done so much that is impressive. I wish I had the answers for such dilemmas but then I would be better too! Life is what it is and you have done a good job so far and I bet you continue to progress and become wiser. Hang in there.

From what you're describing it seems like you're a strong person. I won't say that I understand totally what you're going through, but I know what it its to struggle with loneliness and isolation.

I share feelings with you. I don't feel connected with people in the way I wish I were.

Dont loose hope.We will find our men in the future.Keep on chatting and keep on joining clubs.I know most of the time its kinda sick to chat...men just like sex talk..but i still beleived that there r men out there in the chatrooms that are sincere.Like the people here in EP....

Your style of writing is something to stand still for. Not to read blocks of sentences in one go. Inspiring, would you like to write with me and share? I am married by the way, man man over 60. Jan is my name