My Heart Is Crushed

My wife (same sex) had an on line affair 4 years ago. For some reason it is all of a sudden it is encomassing my every thought. The girl died and that is why it ended, but would they still be together if she hadn't died. Is she just with me because it is convienent. When she was going to leave I had just had major surgery, had 2 year old triplets and was working 2 jobs because she was on and off work. I look back and think what a cruel selfish thing to do to someone at that point in their life. I do love her, I think I'm nuts. Anyway, thanks for listening- I have no one to talk to