I am 8 months pregnant. I found out when I was 5 months in. Why I showed no symptoms before that still baffles me. I still had my time of the month for 4 months and didn't get morning sickness (guess I'm lucky there though). When I first realized I was pregnant I was planning on abortion. But the ultrasound proved I was too far along for that. My boyfriend had just broken up with me, we were still in contact as I thought I was only a month or so along and that it was his, he was going to come with me to the abortion. I told him that it wasn't his and how far along I was, he still comforted me for a little while, and then got into another relationship. I was heartbroken and betrayed. Around the same time my brother was diagnosed with cancer. I was an emotional mess and didn't think my life could get worse. Im not ready to be a mom. The hardest part was contacting the birth father. As we weren't in contact and it was not a serious relationship kind of a sloppy mistake and he's not a person I even want to be friends with let alone raise a child with. He reacted as I thought he would with anger and hate. Said he wouldn't be there for me or the baby ever and I should throw myself down some stairs. I told him I was thinking of adoption and he still said he wanted nothing to do with it and still wont talk to me now. I've dealt with most of this alone. My mom has been supportive and has taken me to meetings and appointments and has provided emotional support but for some reason I still feel more alone than ever. I've picked a wonderful family and they are so happy it reassures me that this is the right choice for me and my baby. My dad doesn't like to talk about it. When I told him he sort of walked away from me and never brings it up and gets awkward when I talk about anything to do with being pregnant. One of the hardest parts is disappointing him. All I really want is for him to hug me and tell me he loves me. He helps all of us kids so much, and I know he just wants me to keep it and help provide for us. I can't help but feel like with my brother fighting cancer and living in his basement, I'm already struggling being off work, I feel like he wouldn't be able to support us as much as he thinks. Everything gives me anxiety. Im trying to stay positive and happy but when I see the look on his face I just want to break down. I dont know if it will ever be the same with him and that hurts my heart so much. I dont know what to say to him to let him see the pain it causes me. I cant keep pretending i am okay when i feel so broken. I can't keep this baby. I can barely help myself and mentally am not prepared. I don't think I am made to have children. Even though this is one of the hardest things I've had to go through, a mistake that I wish I could undo, I am making a family so happy and giving them a beautiful gift they can not do themselves. I feel really good about that. I guess I just wanted to write it all out. See if anyone could give me some advice with how to cope with my father. Or help me prepare for the grieving that I will have to face when the baby is placed. I'm really scared. Everyone says I'm being so strong.. But I feel so broken. I just know this is the best choice for me and my baby.
birthmom2014 birthmom2014
22-25, F
Aug 19, 2014