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Where Did Everybody Go????

I am losing my mind, I really believe I am. Everything has gone wrong, I can't find anybody. I',m a  babyboomer who realizes she's wasted her life, and
even tho I'm marrired, with one just grown son, I am all alone. All they do is control me. I don't understand how the whole freaking world was passing me by
and I did not know it.
A few here know me.
To everyone else I've been stressed to the max and have not been here for a while. The ADHD is the most hateful thing I found out about myself and I wish
I'd never gotten treated for it and realized what a miserble person I am.
I had a life a long time ago. I did a lot of stuff. I had fun. I looked good  (not anymore).
F___ the past to now and it's been a real killer. I'm in the now and have no friends, family (not counting hubby and son) I can't think straight , I would just off myself but I'm alreaddy in a big enouh Hell, I don't want to go to God's Hell  But the world has let me down, I'm a fool. I can't remember what to do.
I never did learn to navigate this ep site back when I hung around. Now I'm lost.
I keep screwing up my pc because I have short attention span and tend to think about too much to grip anythingthing that enters my head. I'm impatient.
I am NOT stupid, have high IG but I can't gather my thoughts long enough to get organized.

Besides, even though I did not know it was happening, I could wing and people would not notice.
I can't keep up the facade, Ive known that a while but am just now accepting it, and not very well. I know damn well I'm a good woman who has done good for many and have been the most naive,and used person , that I can't take it.
I'm not alone in the world suffering this way, I'm very aware of this! But I'm in a bad way this very moment and have no one who I can talk to. I do not have one person I could call.
My husband's upstairs asleep and acts like he does not know my problem but that's because he wants to own me.
Now I'm not young (if I tried I could look decent, but I just can't make myself do it) I never leave the house and pay attention to myself hit or miss.
We have money but whooppee ****. I helped us get there., despite my shortcomings. I just have'nt in a long time.
We totally support son (well I don't, my hubby does) and NOW  pay child support Plus all the son and livein needs(his woman who kids belong to)
They do nothing. Its been for a long time. They have house, cars, brains, but dumb me obviously lost hers because she lets it happen. I have no access to our money,have nowhere to go, and over the years I did not realize how withdrawn I was so I don't know anything about my own home.

I do know my husband and son boss me around, and I don't understand, I'm a mega ***** if fooled with but they can walk all over me. I'm aware that like
the ep site, I don't know jack about this computer I'm on. I do but I forget I write it down but lose it. My brain is suffering from atrophy and it seems more hopeless every day. I'm forever screwing up my computer, and get in  trouble I have a 1999 Volvo. with 27000 miles on it. It still smells like new leather inside. I went in and paid
$ 47,000 dollars on the spot for it. I was still functioning. (I could do that then, I dont know if we have much money any more.) buying the car.
I keep messing up more and it ****** me off but makes me cry too.
Oh if anybody reads this they won't know what I'm talking about so .,........I started this because I feel like I will explode . I'm all too real and I need help.
I need to get in my car and just take off. I have American Express and drivers licensce I have not driven in abou 5 years but in this state as you get older you don't have to renew so often. I have so much in my head, I scared I'm lonely' I'm mad. I Used to know what to do.
Oh this is a waste of time and I'm already impatient with writing it so I will just stop. I'm tired. Life sucks and then you die.

BCBoomer58
BCBoomer58 BCBoomer58 56-60, F 8 Responses Feb 17, 2012

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Hello again!

I wrote about my ADHD experience here: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-Adult-Adhd/1671771

and I recommend visiting a great toally free ADHD site here: http://totallyadd.com/

It doesn't have to be like this.

G2C

We're in the same range so you got to do better than this! you see when we reach the age range that you and I are in it's hard because we live in a country that has an over fascination with youth and by the time a woman reaches her 40's in America they try to literally waste her maybe that what's making you sad. It's our environment BC it's set to work against us in every way it's hard so hard. But you know I search for stories of older women who raise their middle fingers and give a big flag to all people who tell them it's over, if you aren't young and attractive and shapely our society has no use for you so therefore get lost. I saw a wonderful story in Feb. 2011 on the cable news network about a 95 year old black lady by the name Ida Herring. Ida was a marathon runner she still ran races and won trophies! it was her spirit that won my heart. She refused to get old she refused to sit back at 95 and let life pass her up, this grey haired little lady, said when she died she's taking youth with her.Ida isn't Beyonce shapely like the U.S. expects us to be and I know she hears people call her names like old hen, old hags etc because America zeros in on middle age and beyond women but Ida keeps going. You know she gives me strength especially when I have my feeling hurt about not being young anymore and I'm told it's time to sit back in my house because "people hate old women" someone really told me that once. WOW. I see talent in you BC so you got to do better you got to inspire the rest of us middle age ladies we're counting on you now.Maybe someday you'll be in the news. Make that wonderful light of yours shine so the rest us can find our way!

You can sure make a lady feel better! Thankl you for all your inspiring words.
I get all kinds of ideas, but the ADD holds me back. I get all gung ho, then
lose interest or get overwhelmed. But it makes for some interesting times!
Nobody ever knows how I'll be from on minute to another! It confuses me, how
my mood swings are so "I really Mean It" then I'll leave for something else.
Anyway Thanks for talking to me, and have a wonderful day. boomer

Huh?

It really sucks to be alone, even when you're surrounded by other people. How do you get away? Where do you find a moment's peace?

I can tune people out completely, sleep at will, and while I've liked a lot of people in my life, I become more and more withdrawn. I decided to try harder but who
knows? I have the attention span of a gnat but sometimes I get overly focused
on something and stick with it for hours without stop, and forget to even eat or drink, and I come out of whatever I got into and it's like ":Hello World"!!! I talk way too much. teehee
love and a hug -stay in touch , okay??

Hehe - that part about a gnat's attention span and hyperfocusing sounds exactly like me! Unfortunately, when I forget to eat, instead of losing a few extra pounds, I seem to overload on carbs when I come up for a breath. :(

I do that too! I used to be skinny but I've gained a few pounds. I don't know how Ritalin speeds anybody, it knocks me out or leaves me to procrastinate more!!

lady get ya some good quality multivitamins and some B complex and take 3 times the daily amounts or even more B's can never be an overdose it jsut passes thru you... what is not used.. keep it up and get a B sublingual about 2500 iu's per day .. <br />
You will feel better l know it doesn't change all that but gives a better mental picture 0f things.. hugs Okie

Late to answer Okie, but thanks for the healthy words! My ADD keeps bouncing
me all over or hiding under the covers, sound asleep. People don't understand the disorder and it gets frustrating, and I feel so stupid being older and finding out about it!! I hope you see this. I went away for awhile, but I'm back.

sorry it was so long...hope it helps

Honey. I love you! <br />
<br />
I am 28 and feel this way albeit the other way round as I have no kids and no career apart from this new campaign to educate women esp. those of ethnic decent about ADHD, and get access to services.<br />
<br />
I say the same thing what happened to my life it just disappeared and let me tell you pat of that was allowing this a**hole man who I was with when diagnosed to push me around, because he was wealthy and I was not and he had all his papers and I did not etc. We separated a while after we found out there was a lot of stuff that went on but he sucked the life out of me trying to kill the best parts of me that may well have been the ADHD flavored bits and tried to force me to do things his orderly way which I could just not do and he judged me I could tell his tone of voice etc.<br />
<br />
I later after we split took him to a meeting group that I found that were having a family day and after hearing what he said which was somthing like he felt he had to take care of me ...blah. I was like noooooo! I said no all you kept doing was steam rolling me into doing things your way which I was never going to be able to do. Got me so mad, that I has wasted so much time on this twit, who had no compassion or foresight to see for all I was.<br />
<br />
so now back as a single I have some friends but lost my best one and I honest to god don't know why, I feel regret for that even though it was my fault as such. <br />
<br />
If I were you I put my fury into a project bit by bit if it is in your heart this is where hyperfocus comes in ....it will begin to take shape and get done.<br />
<br />
Little secret..not a great thing but it's kinda working right now... I find that when I am the right kind of angry I work better because the adrenaline is hitting the right spot so get a note book every idea goes in and don't sweat the ones that don't there will be another.<br />
<br />
- maybe start a local support group for women, maybe even older women. As I know the net can be a landline time stealer for us sometimes a face to face situation can be better.<br />
<br />
step - one find a place quiet coffee shop or something and then build.(just an idea, anyhoo)

Better late than never, but I love you for taking time to write to me!

I'm doing lots of "catch up" since i came back, but I had to say more to you,
because I really know where you are coming from! I could feel the intense
tone in your words and I can relate! Thanks Again!!

While shooting words of wisdom, shot by shot...from the likes of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and the mexican Jose Quervo couldn't help me drown my misery. In those famous words of Frank Galliger "Make proverty history, cheaper drugs now," I can remember wanting some comfort and for the life of me I destroyed myself in sorrow. Those days of past still haunt me, but I know what dicontent this life can bring as we cease living only to concede to a dreary existance,this standard of being. I gathered myself and rode away from the grave I had been digging myself to ask "Has the whole freaking world was passing me by and I did not know it."<br />
It is in the last few moment before I fill the hole that had become my life and I have cherished living once more. I simply chose to live a driven life of passion no matter how indifferent I had once became. It is all that I am and the bad in my life has given me hope, to live as if nothing else matters. I haven't found God or religion to make life right, I found no love to keep me, no words trancended from ancient knowledge. <br />
I just found myself and I love it.

Thanks for Nothing. I really needed some help. I've just been sitting here. I was serious. I'm numb. <br />
No wonder I never came here much when this were so bad. Oh Well....

I did the alcoholic number but actually got sober again. Wish I had.not. life has been Life Is MeaN I have tried so I hope you are happy! I,m not!