Five Years

I am going off all my anti-depressants for the first time in five years so they can scan my brain and tell me exactly what pills will make me happier. I'm down to the lowest dose I've been at in years right now and I can feel the effects. I'm not suicidal, not by a long shot, but I'm an emotional roller coaster. The tiniest things make me break down into tears, something that is usually very rare for me. I don't want to spend time with friends, I ignore calls, little things people say **** me off. The things I used to love barely excite me anymore. I know this feeling because it's the one that put me on so many pills in the first place, and it's the feeling that's caused doctors to continue to up the dose over the years. I'm terrified to know myself when I finally stop taking them all together. I'm worried I won't be the same person I've known all through high school. But I'm most worried that my depression will get worse. I have a team of doctors who are monitoring me and parents that keep a close eye, so I'm in no danger of self harm, but that will not keep me from never leaving my bed and eating nothing but slimfast shakes while I stare at the ceiling and play Magical Mystery Tour over and over again (I did that during Christmas).

I really hope this brain scan shows exactly what I need to at least get out of bed in the morning. The worst would be if after looking at my brain they told me there's nothing wrong with it and I'm making up all my issues. That would be truly awful.
wanderkid wanderkid
18-21, F
3 Responses Jul 4, 2007

How did it go? I see you're still active on this site. I hope that means it was good news, that there was something that could be done, or that you just got better somehow.

You will be ok :) You can, and you will get through this - you know what to expect at the very worst and you *know* that you goth through it before. This time you are prepared, and you know what you will feel will be for a specific purpose. And no matter what the scan (be it SPECT/fMRI/PET) shows, your issues are very real, you would not make them up for no reason! Perhaps you could get the doctors to explain to you how the scan works in more detail, so you can understand what the results might mean, because a normal scan does not demonstrate that you are just making it all up. There is no reason to be worried on that front it just means that perhaps a different approach is required. :)

Naw, I wish I could comfort you somehow... Just stay strong! :D