From My Diary: The Addict Who's Breaking My Heart

I need to laugh right now, even though I feel like crying. For the time being, though, I figure laughter is the best medicine. So I’m reading these break-up stories on this online support group for damaged relationships, wondering how on earth I got here.
Maybe it will help me right now to remember the things I'm grateful for. It's a tool I learned from my therapist to help shift into a more positive mindset. I need to look at the things I DO have in my life and stop focusing on what I've lost - because I can’t stop thinking about Ryan* and about how much I miss the person he used to be. I feel like I lost him even before the new girl "friend" came along. I could already feel him starting to slip away, and I keep remembering the person who once loved and adored me and thought I was beautiful and amazing. I miss the way he used to hold me, kiss me,talk to me for hours, how he once inspired me to be a better person – the guy who wanted to spend every waking moment with me and be there for me no matter what. I miss the way he would’ve done anything for me – until the new girl came along.
It hurts so bad to watch him change. It hurts so, so bad, but I’m trying not to let myself feel it. I’m trying to be strong. You see, the man I love is an addict. He was sober for over a year - until now. And now I don't even know him anymore. He can't see the way he hurts me. While he's stuck in his addiction, he can't see anything or anyone else. His world is cold and black, and until he wants help, he'll never see the light. I can't go on this way with him. I love him so much, but I have to love myself enough as well.
I have to realize that the person I'm leaving behind isn’t the man I fell in love with. Instead, he’s a stranger – and all I have are memories of someone I once loved with all my heart. I wanted to be with him forever, just like he said he wanted to be with me. I wanted to wake up next to him every day, for the rest of my life, and although he told me that all the time, I could never say the same words back. But I felt it in my heart.
I was just so afraid the whole time. I was so afraid he’d fall out of love with me or leave me for someone else. And even though he denies it, I know he started having feelings for the other girl, which hurts just as badly. When he started spending so much time with her, he became cool and distant toward me. He started back up on the pills. He stopped looking at me the way he used to. That sparkle in his eyes had vanished. He was spiraling deeper and deeper down into self-destruction, and all I could do was watch helplessly. He refused to see it. He no longer cared - not even about himself anymore.
My insecurities began creeping back up to the surface. I'd always struggled with trust in love after being hurt so many times in the past by exes. So, when it came to Ryan, I figured it was just a matter of time before some other girl would come along and take my place. I just KNEW it. So in a way, maybe I created my own self-fulfilling prophecy and allowed my fear to push him away. At least that's MY part in the situation. My trust issues battling his addiction...What a recipe for disaster.

I wonder if I’ll always be unable to trust. I hate all the questions in my mind that have no answers. I hate not knowing, and I hate not being in control. I need to learn the art of surrender. If only I knew how...

I don’t want to be a slave to my past and to all the people who hurt me before. It’s just so hard to forget. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship. Maybe I just don't have it in me anymore to trust anyone again. No matter how much evidence someone gives me to the contrary, I'll always secretly carry those nagging doubts.

But, I guess as long as I continue to expect the worst, I’ll always find it. I don’t want to live this way forever. I’m afraid that the moment I let my guard down, that’s when someone will turn on me and hurt me. I realize that’s my issue and not always the other person's fault.

Ryan said he got to the point where he felt like he couldn’t do anything right with me. He wondered what the point was of trying so hard if I wasn’t going to trust him anyway. I guess I understand that, even though I think it was wrong of him to spend time with that girl without telling me. He swears he never cheated, but I don’t know what to believe. Emotionally, I feel like he did. Ever since he got back on pills, he has been so different – the inevitable outcome of an addict in relapse mode. I know that mentality all too well. You can’t see reality clearly because your mind is so clouded. You’re not yourself, but someone else, whom you eventually come to loathe. And I think he’s angry at himself right now, but instead of sitting in his guilt, it’s easier to point the finger at me. I always liked the phrase that "When you point a finger at someone else, you're pointing four back at yourself." How sad but true.

He isn't ready to climb out of his denial. Instead he'd rather wollow in the pits of his self-imposed misery. He'll only get better when the pain of staying the same outweighs his fear of change.

Unless he’s willing to be honest with himself, he’ll never change, and things between us will continue to deteriorate. Unless he’s willing to take a good look in the mirror, everything that goes wrong between us will always be “because of me” in his eyes. I guess that’s the root of all of this chaos between us lately. I’m dealing with an addict, and even if he wants to stop, he can’t – not unless he takes steps to make his life better.

As long as he’s in this mode, he’s capable of anything. He expects my trust without being trustworthy. He expects results and rewards without doing anything to earn them. It isn’t realistic, but he can’t see that now – not the way the old Ryan would.

But a part of me still believes in him. I've been with him through it all, from the beginning, when he was at his worst. I stayed by him through all of his struggles, during his treatment. I watched him pull himself out of that dark place, and become an amazing person. It's hard to watch something so beautiful waste away before your eyes.

I guess you can't see the whole picture while you’re still in it. You have to step out of it first in order to see it for what it is. Hindsight is always 20/20, and maybe one day he'll understand the reason all of this happened. I believe that everything truly happens for a reason - even if I can't see what that reason is right now. One day, maybe I'll understand. And one day - just maybe - the man I love will come back to me.
firefly211 firefly211
26-30, F
Sep 22, 2012