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She Meant Everything To Me.

And I always made everything worse...

She wanted to break up two weeks ago, 'Go on a break' she said... Three days later, she wanted to never get back together again... Now she never wants to see me again...
It shouldn't matter at all, because of the circumstances surrounding us.. She's 17, I'm 20. We knew eachother in High school... I already havea hard time trusing people, and I don't feel comfortable talking about my feelings at all to anyone... I've even had a hard time talking about ym mfeelings to her because they'd always depress her and she'd blame herself for my depression...
I know people will think I'm crazy and a lunatic, but I don't care any more... Bible says that even though I am given messages and being told by God to do something, the masses will most likely reject me. It said to not be afraid, because He's always there, Jesus and God, that is...
Yes, I am Christian... I am going to become confirmed into the Catholic church... Because He told me to...
My family has a history of unexplainable and supernatural happenings... I was a atheist until about 3 years ago. Too many unexplainable things happened, and I started to believe... Then He came to me using certain symbols, telling me what I must do...
I sound like a nut so far... Oh well...
I dream of events that will happen. The dreams are blurry, though, but some I remember clearly... I called it deja vu, but I remmeber reliving my dreams in real life... Many of my dreams had to do with the girl I was dating...
Several months previous the dating of the girl that meant everything to me, I had gotten in and out of a really bad relationship where I was used and played with.
One thing to know about my family, is that the men love unconditionally the women they are with, and that is our fault... I can't help it...
Back to the bad relationship, I was left feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest, and she had walked away with it, before dropping it on the ground.

I was vulnerable, and I learned very recently that I am a clingy person... Very clingy.
This girl I had known from high school was there in that time of my life. She had helped me get better, and she had patched the hole in my chest. Turns out she had feelings for me, but me with my feeling that I mess up everything and ruin everything, I didn't want to hurt her... It came to the point that I had to make a decision in tight time, and I asked God for an answer, an answer to whether or not I should pursue this girl as my companion.
He said Yes.
And I was happy. I was happier than I could ever remember with this girl....

This girl had some history of her own, though. Her family are slobs and don't care about anything but themselves, and her past consists of living with and growing up with that. Without caring parents.
The ONLY parent she had were her grandparents, which, if she knew any better in her youth, she would have lived with them.

Her life consisted of not caring, as well, and being on the recieving end of abuse and hurt feelings.
She also has ( present tense ) a hard time trusting people.
She even had a hard time trusting me a couple of times through out the relationship we had. It was her nature, and I don't blame her... It was her learned behavior of her past....

The main reason she wanted to take that break was because she is clinging to her past... She's clenching it really hard.
I find myself adaptable... I've done my best to mold myself into something that will continuously make her happier and happier, but in this end, I have failed...
People have watched us together, and many of them say that she is manipulative...

Unfortunately, this is true. She has certain unattractive qualities of her mother, which, of course, she learned from her mother.
Despite these faults, quirks I like to call them, I still love her unconditionally....
I love to see her happy... I love to make her happy... I would have put up with anything to see her happy...
There have been many times that I've told her to take out whatever angst she has on me, be it physical or emotional, because I'd take it for her so she could be better off...

I'd still die for her.. I'd still do anything at all for her...



So, we broke up, and right now I'm dealing with my first job, college, 7 hours of sleep each night, church, and other activities to make me busy and lessen the blow of the breakup with her...
I've taked to her several times over the past two weeks... Each time it hurt, because she wanted to take and act like it was okay...

She's doing fine so far, because of her old friend Mary Jane and a good supplier she's found... And, yes, I tried to mold myself into something to compliment her cannabis use... To no avail...

So, I took measures to lessen the pain, make sure I was okay, because God told me that I'd have to wait two years for something. I don't know what...
I have guesses, an all I know is that it will be a significant even in my life...

I put up with everything she threw at me because God told me she was my companion...

We argues a couple days ago and it hurt really bad... I was the weak one, apologizing and telling her what I needed. I told her I need space... Each day, i've seen her since telling her that.
She has an illness in her head, some lump, which could be cancer, or the parasite she contracted all those years ago acting up.
She could die, it is bad.

She's high all the time now, and I can't talk to her at all because she's using the cannabis to hide...
Honestly, it makes me feel like the year and a half we dated was fake... All of it...

We did have out lives planned out roughly... We were going to get married...

Her grandmother, thrilled with the idea, even helped buy the ring.
The grandmother still has it... I watched a lot of the jewelry channel, and I studied and made sure I knew what she liked... And I got her the perfect ring for her....

She has this thing for light blue gemstones. Aquamarine, sky blue topaz, those types of stones.
It was a silver band, or maybe platinum, sitting her favorite cut, a pear shaped, real and bright aquamarine, witha surrounding halo a few very bright diamonds that made the ring shine...

It was perfect...

Now she'll never get to see it... or at least from me...

I was trying to not answer her calls, because I wanted to show her that I was strong...

That may be confusing.. She believe that she was the man in the relationship because I was mroe sensitive than most guys.... I just knew how to relate somethings to other things and understand situations...

I don't knwo what I did wrong... I really don't...

Today, she called... Tonight, I was off of work and i was exhausted, and I hadn't seen my parents in a while... So I spent time with them...

At 6:00, she called, and I didn't pick up because I was exhausted and I didn't think I could hold it together...

At 10:00, I see she sent me texts saying that she " gets it " and she was going to be erased from my life...

..... Maybe I'm just being selfish... I still love and care about her... She says she's doing it for me...

I saw her tonight, drove over to her house, and there was something that had changed in the life and she said it was complicated...

It's like I was a complete stranger to her, the way she talked to me...






We had this one saying that we would hold eachother up, never letting go, and we would stand against the world...
Granted, we had depression issues... But more often than not, I made her happy... Her happiness fed into mine...
My happiness was dependant on her...

Now... I don't know...

I feel like I'm lost... I'm falling in a very wide, dark, endless pit....
Alone...
...

I kinda feel sad... depressed... but.. I feel numb..
I feel like I could go kill myself, and nothing in the world would change... I feel like I could give myself pain, but all i really want is love and attention...

I'm clingy.... I like to cling and hug...

I have no one here with me, and I guess I'll never have one again...

I've been wanting to cry, but I haven't been able to...

I feel like getting into a car crash right now... because it'd be exhilerating... and I might die, and the numbness might stop...
I'd get to meet Jesus, right before I supposedly go to hell forever... F*cking Catholic church...
But that's fine... as long as that's waht I'm meant for.... just fodder for other people to **** on, I can deal.... as long as I can have the attention of them....

That's probly where I went wrong... I was ignoring her calls, and that was her biggest nono of the relationship, because she'd have no one but her mate before me.... But... We weren't together... and she didn't trust me anyway...
Did she even love me? Truely?
Considering her past, did she even know what love felt like before I came?
yeah, I know that sounds concieted, but damnit, I loved her.

Now I just want to die... Someone to beat me up, cripple me for the short term....
I want... punishment for my negative actions and feelings... I just want justice for me...
I want her happy... Above all else...




I'm lost, and I don't know where to go.
Nihk07 Nihk07 18-21 Feb 9, 2013

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