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Tonight Is the End.

The last straw has been had. I need what she can't give. Tonight will be the night I tell her good-bye. Sounds easier than I know it'll be. We've been together almost 6 very trying months.

Another hopeful relationship  bites the dust....It will probably take awhile to recollect myself...Every break-up, I lose a piece of me, my faith in love..and happy ever-afters...

“I am not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed: and the number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I fail and keep trying.”

 Tom Hopkins

QueenOfHearts QueenOfHearts 22-25, F 5 Responses Sep 21, 2009

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See this is why I love ya Ennuye ;) No one else would have brought up my old story…the one I wrote in “I’m Scared of Relationships” haha you’ve done your research before you give me your analysis, I like that.<br />
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In spite of what I had written in that story(same girl btw)… I really did want to get close to her, and we did get close. As the relationship progressed, she knocked down some of my walls, and I wasn’t afraid that we were getting close, I loved it. It had been so long since I allowed myself..So it felt good. I wish that we would have continued to get closer. It just seem like everything we built..is crumbling down. <br />
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She had put in a transfer at her job in Southern Ohio. She was going to move here, to Columbus, with me. Well, her transfer ended up falling through, and she’s still living in Southern Ohio. She’s been out of a job for a little while, and she has gotten pretty depressed. She’s been working since she was 12, when she’s working she is alive, and she thrives. But times are hard here in Ohio, to find work. She has taken this out on me, and our relationship has been strained immensely. She has neglected me as a girlfriend, to the point, where I was wondering if we were still even friends! She just completely shut down from me emotionally. I thought maybe she lost interest…or I did something wrong.. <br />
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Of course after that my defenses went back up… I was so happy that I was allowing myself to get close to her, but then when she started backing away from me, I went back in my shell. I’m scared to get close to her again. <br />
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It just seems like the sensitivity I enjoy most in a woman is not there with her. I don’t like that she doesn’t like my mother(they don’t get along) But my mother has been nice to her despite her beliefs. They both don’t like each other. My mother won’t like any woman I’m involved with, I realize that. She(Mary) was just plain out rude to my mother though…My mother took us out to dinner…She didn’t even say thank you. C’mon now that’s my mama you don’t have to like her, but at least show some d@mn respect! That kind of let me know she may not be my "ideal" lady.<br />
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She is pretty hard when it comes to emotions. I want someone who can be vulnerable with me. She will never be the kind of girl who cries on my shoulder. <br />
She is getting her life back in order. So now she wants to “try” and be a girlfriend again. I’m sorry but I’m not a movie…You can’t just put me on pause, then get back to me when you feel like it. No, not if we are in a relationship. Convenience goes out the f_ckin’ window…<br />
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You are right Ennuye, before this relationship started I DID expect it to end. Because that was the pattern I was used to. But once I got to know her, I didn’t feel like that. I seriously thought, and hoped that this would be different. I feel like I’ve tried. 100% maybe not. But how can I give 100% when I’m not getting it in return? <br />
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One of the major problems that has torn us apart, is the distance. I knew we would have to deal with that going into the relationship. But the times I’ve gotten to see her have been less and less frequent. As are relationship developed, and the feelings got stronger…the distance between us became torture. She would even use it as an excuse not to communicate with me! She thought it would be easier if “we didn’t talk as much, so she wouldn’t miss me as bad.” Well, of course that just made things worse. It just made me think maybe she wasn’t that “into” me anymore, so my heart retreated.<br />
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I do have a reason to break this off, Ennuye. I think I have plenty of reasons. The main reason is that she has been a neglectful girlfriend. I virtually get NO attention from her anymore. She rather watch tv or her stupid a$$ Cincinatti Bengals than talk to me!! That is why. If I wanted this kind of treatment, I’d go be with a man, and get ignored, and not feel appreciated. (not to say all men are that way) I’m just trying to make you understand. Yes, I know I have had trouble letting people get close previously, but I was letting her get close…but now I wonder if I should have? I guess the saying is true though “It’s better to love and lost, than to have never loved at all” She F_cked up though!! And she admits, she f_cked up.<br />
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I am going to read over your comment again Ennuye…I know I’m not perfect. I know there are things I have to work out, within myself. You touched on a lot of things that were spot on. You are definitely good at what you do, my friend. Thank you for taking your time and counseling me. I feel like I need to pay you…<br />
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You are right about me liking the “thrill and excitement” of newfound relationships. That is why for so many years of my life I never let it get to a serious place. I just went from one non-meaningful relationship to the next, one night stands, and friends with benefits. (that gets so old) <br />
I know this is different from all that. Maybe you are right, I shouldn’t give up on it so easily. I mean.. it did take me a LONG time to find someone I could make a lasting connection with. Someone I could actually see a future with. You are also right, I may have got bored with her. I will try to revamp things, to see if that turns anything around…<br />
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The next week will be the true test, I’m going to give 100% to this…be honest with her, just try and make it work one last time…But if my efforts are in vain, that’ll be it.<br />
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You have enlightened me so much, Ennuye. I could never thank you enough.<br />
You’re a great counselor, and a great Ep friend..I’m glad I met you girl;) *tear* D@mnit I know I’m WORTHY OF LOVE!! We all are d@mnit!<br />
Did I say you are Helluva good counselor? ;) It is really what I needed to hear to put me in check. Thank you.<br />
☮ ♥ :)

I feel like such a wuss. Inku is saying why rush the breakup, take some time.. Shrock is saying do it ASAP to get it over with...ahhh lol <br />
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Maybe I'll just wait it out. She has been under a lot of stress lately, with her job situation...I think she has taken that out on me. I want to try and give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes. I have NO idea what I want to happen with us. That is the problem. I just don't know. <br />
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Somedays, I have a clear view...That I want this to end, that there is no need for us to carry on.<br />
But I am still straddling the fence. Am I scared, that I won't find someone else who understands and loves me? ..Yes, I think that is a big part of it. I had been alone along while before I met her. I had not let anyone get close... I let her in. I'm just scared if I end this...that it'll be a long time before I let love in again. And at this very moment in my life, I need that kind of love. <br />
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It has been so long since our souls have connected..that I have fell out of love somewhat. I think the future of this relationship all depends on, if I can get that feeling back...Which is something neither she or I have control over...I can't control my feelings..no matter how I try. <br />
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I am a very indecisive person, Shrock. I wish I could stick with a decision, and follow through. <br />
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Thank you both for your input. <br />
Inku you are the best!! (hugs) <br />
You're both right, I just don't want to hurt anyone. <br />
I don't want to be that "missing piece, that stings her soul forever". ..I'll figure something out though. Something has to be done because I cant talk to her the way I used to. I don't feel the girlfriend kind of love anymore...<br />
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I will try and Brave-up though...I need to do that. ;)<br />
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I'm afraid there is no easy way, Queen. The more you delay it, the worse it'll be for both of you. It will hurt a lot, but it's better to hurt now for a while than afterwards for a lifetime.<br />
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You just have to take that step forward with decision. You are very afraid now, but there is no other way. Brace yourself and do it, the sooner the better.<br />
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Be brave. I wish you a lot of luck.

That is your own quote Inku? Wow. I hope not forever though.<br />
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Well.. I don't know I'm kind of feeling that maybe I haven't made much effort to make it work either...Do I really want it to...I don't know... I miss her, she does feel comfortable...but am I just settling for less..not because it feels right, but because it is something I have grown used to? <br />
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I didn't break-up with her tonight like I had planned...It is a lot harder than anything I could have imagined...She's the one making it so hard on me. Tonight I left her a voicemail because I'm having "phone problems" and I'm just way to scared & nervous to talk to her right now. This is what she said:<br />
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I don’t know why ur afraid /scared 2 talk to me. I’m more afraid 2 talk to u, and hear what u have 2 say. You know, I’ve been thinking about this a lot, I know that I do want to make this work between us, I do want to be with you and everything. And I do love you. Just the thought that you might be on the road to putting me on the curb freaks me out really bad..and I don’t really ever react this way. I want to talk to you about spending some time together, I know we need that. I just need to know if you’re willing to spend some time with me? That way I can get everything situated. Call me or leave me a message whenever you feel like it. I’ll be here. I love you, I do love you very much.<br />
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How am I supposed to break up with someone who wants to make it work...who says they love me...I need time. I don't want to succumb myself to this. I don't want to get sucked back in, out of sympathy.(but is it sympathy) wth is it? I really don't know what to do... Should I stay? Will anything ever change? She is trying to put her words into action...I just feel like I'm not so responsive to her anymore. <br />
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I need more time...before I actually hurt her... I need to read some books...tips on how to break up with someone gently...is there a gentle way? Everytime I have broken up before..I took the cowards way out...and probably the most hurtful route you can take... and that is ignoring them...not giving them any answers..not stepping up..and being brave enough to tell them. I'm not going to do that this time.<br />
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I'm just rambling on..sorry...my thoughts are kinda scattered. <br />
thank you for the hugs INKU..you always know the right things to say.<br />
luv ya girl!<br />
xo

The first few months were pretty amazing..just went downhill though. Seems like we were together for years...We just got to comfortable with eachother..at times it felt like we were an old married couple..everything just happened so quick. I fall too quicky...never turns out right. I feel like I am doing the right thing. Thank you Pennywednesday.<br />
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More quotes:<br />
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"If breakups never existed the music industry would go bankrupt." <br />
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"I was born the day I met you, lived a while when you loved me, died a little when we broke apart."<br />
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"A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."