While I Wait For The Magistrate's Ruling

I decided to divorce my wife in early January. I got advice and support here on EP and from another site that deals with issues relating to my divorce. We were married a long time but the separation has only taught me I should have left much earlier. While I once consider marriage to be sacred and divorce out of the question, it came down to my survival.
I have gradually regained some of my self respect and am slowly starting my life over. I did not wait until the divorce to start my life over and that ruffled some feathers but I can no longer worry about what people, even those close to me think about such things. I have heard from many people that I needed some time to myself to sort things out. People have told me that being single is not that bad and I should not rush into things. Well the truth is I do not know if I could have survived on my own.
I did not expect to find someone special as soon as I did nor did I expect she would move in with me 3 1/2 months later either but that is how things turned out. I really am not worried about what my wife thinks. I have no doubt she would be just as mad at me if I had stayed trapped inside my house and never even spoke to another woman. That is how she functions and it is one of the major reasons I am divorcing her. I spend more than half of my life trying to keep her happy and realize now I was stupid to even try.
Of course my older son hardly speaks to me even though he knew about all of my wife's issues and must realize I had to seek this divorce. It is not just a case of him settling into the idea he rejects any notion of me having another woman in my life. Again I can no longer try to keep him or anyone else happy by living my life the way they think is best. That goes double for my mother who has been nothing but rude to both my girlfriend and her daughter.
I have written about what i think about the church in such situations as mine and only recently discovered how bitter and angry I am about the lack of help I received from the people who I needed to help me the most. I also have realized what a slave i have been, perhaps my whole life to all of the things that need done in my life. I have realized my thinking was if only I could do all of the things I need to do I could keep everyone happy. Just writing this makes it sound crazy but it has been my life's pattern for as long as i can remember.
So I married a very needy person and tried to be the answer to all of her problems. That in itself is a death sentence for anyone but I happened to have picked as my wife someone who was incapable of being helped. No matter what i did her life was in crisis.
I feel free in a real way from the burden of having to do so many things and of taking on the problems of others. I can have to face up to my situation and find a way to move on with my life regardless of whether or not other people, including my soon to be ex, want to let me.
OmyTVC15 OmyTVC15
51-55, M
4 Responses Nov 27, 2012

It is a blessing you found someone who you love and who loves you. It must make you angry and betrayed, when people turn their backs on you when what you are doing does not fit in their fake-perfect story book paintings. One of the most important things I learned, and I am sure you have, on this road is that living your life by someone else's rules is living in prison. Find new friends who will be true ones, the ones that will stick with you through rought times, who will give you advice but not criticize. I am so sorry your mother is not accepting of your gf. She is an elderly person and it is hard for her that tradition and honor is not everything, that love, understanding, and forgiveness is what we really need to live full lives. Good luck!

The people in your life who cannot except this change are being 'selfish' in wanting you to do what 'they' expect of you and you haven't...This is 'their' problem...NOT yours...Your (and everyone's really) mission in life is to BE HAPPY...Everyone DESERVES that RIGHT... You've done the right thing... your son will eventually come around if he's 'worth having as a son'...If the church can't handle it then SO BE IT... all that really matters in life is happiness...what else do we really have?

Your soon to be ex is what I call a 'drama queen', and they are never happy because they always have to have some kind of trauma or drama going on. I too have lived with trying to please people but now I try to please myself because you can't please everyone. I am glad you have broken free of this kind of existence and I am about to make that step myself. The people in your life, your family members especially ought to be ashamed of themselves for not giving you and your girlfriend support. Family is supposed to back you up and what right do they have to tell you how to live your life?

I hope you don't blame God for the way the people in your church acted. God has his hand on your life and never doubt it. He gave you the strength to make this step as he is giving me the strength also. The only thing that matters is that you are happy. I don't know why it is that we wait so long to make a break from things that are tearing us down, perhaps out of loyalty and the slim hope that things will change but I have discovered that people rarely change because they like being the way they are and sound like they are very self centered to me. My children support my decision because they just want me to be happy and I am the one who held on so long.

But you deserve this happiness no matter how long you waited for it. If it had been earlier that you left and came to these decisions you might not have met this love of your life. I am very happy for you and just remember when these negative people are rude or condemn you for your choices that you have every right to make your own choices and you have to be true to yourself. You did everything you could, it didn't work out, and now its time for you to move on and grasp the happiness that you deserve.

I don't blame God and rally don't blame my church either. The church always lags behinds social change. It is just the nature of the beast. I am just disappointed.

<p>I look at life in a practical way. when the right person comes along, they just happen in their own time. And so if they show up ahead of scheduale and this person is perfect in every way for you, than you accept the gift..I think it is stupid to say, well ya know your ideal, but i want to wait t a year or two, to look for someone. That makes no sense to me.</P><br />
<p>I am not surprised that the people around you are not happy with your choices, You have to realize something, they are not used to you making different choices than what is expected. This is not the you they are used to dealing with.They prefer the old you. You were easier to control. And so you will see a lot of this type of reaction. I have no idea what to say about how to handle their reaction, but I think,I would simply let them say what ever and allow them space. They need to get used to the new you, And you also need to get used to the new you. </P><br />
<p>Since I have left my marriage, I have been doing a lot of re-evaluating of my self, and what i think about a lot of things. I have really tried to understand me and what I am about and what I want to be. At least i am now very comfortable about who i am, and am able to explain why i think and feel the way I do. I was like you, in that a lot of other people decided how i would live. And so I just followed where I was led. And so now being at the helm for the first time of my life, I needed to keep on a course that was true to my heart and spirit. Going forward, I want a life with dignity and respect, and so I want to be able to look back, and say, yes... i did all right.</P>

Was it hard at first to leave your marriage? I think about it and know I will miss the man in my life but we really have nothing romantic anymore but I dread it at first when I know I will miss the familiar things. I plan on leaving the beginning of the year and fear of the unknown has kept me here, but I must go because as long as I stay I will not have true happiness and I just wondered how you dealt with it at the very beginning.

Yes it was very hard to leave, but it was very hard to deal with staying.it was a loose/loose situation. At least by leaving, i had a chance of having a person in my life that really could and would love me. My ex and i still keep in touch. we had a long marriage for 43 years, so we will always be connected..it is just the way I am. you can't just erase a life. but you can't hang on to nothing either.
And so you need to think about what it is you have, and what you really want.