What I Have Learned

Here is what I wrote to another group in response to what I have being married to someone with a borderline personality:

I have learned the difference between hardship and abuse by having a borderline wife. Hardship is something you have to face. Abuse is different. I have also learned that no matter what I was taught marriage is not sacred in the sense that no one should ever get divorced. I used to think it was possible to endure anything in a relationship but now I believe that it is foolish to endure just for the sake of enduring. I also no longer believe that love conquers all because some people are not able to either give or receive love. I have also learned that some people are incapable of forgiving others even thought they demand complete forgiveness and acceptance from others. Lastly I have learned that you have to take help where you can find it. I am living with someone now even though my divorce is far from final. I know this is against God's laws and certainly against church and social customs. Yet I do not know if I could have made it through the past nine
months without her. I had no friends, the church was of no help and counselors were all but useless. I was emotionally abused for years and sad but true there was and still is no way I could afford to pay any type of financial support to my wife without someone else's income. I know I will get ripped by some of you for this but I needed both emotional and financial support and it just wasn't going to fall out of the sky. Pray about it? I have been praying about it for years to the point where the one true desire of my heart was that my mentally ill, emotional black hole of a wife I had would just up and die because I knew I could not afford to divorce her. Try that one for size before you comment on how I dealt with my situation!
OmyTVC15 OmyTVC15
51-55, M
8 Responses Nov 30, 2012

Omy.
I've been a member of the same club too only I took longer to cancel my membership. Good job you didn't stay. I can assure you your situation would only have got worse. I stayed 20 years longer than you. But you and I are good men and we have persevered because we thought that things might improve and we could encourage it to be so.
My religious affiliations take a different perspective. I believe that my Maker is a happy God. He/She wants us to live happy and fruitful lives caring and sharing with others not just for our own personal growth but for the good of all mankind, the world and the universe.
The idea of a fire and brimstone threatening Higher Entity just doesn't gel with me. If anything it seems to me that these are the thoughts of a group of earthly clerics from eons ago to control and exert power over the populous.
I have a brother somewhere who as an elder of his church told my father bless him that the cause of his problems was because he hadn't got on his knees to pray and then tried to repeat that with me about the break-up of my marriage. So I have no truck with these people. They are as controlling as our S2Bx's are with no hope of redemption. But there are some wonderful people in the Church; people I have known who exude serenity and are kind and gentle.
So give no thought to the should do or ought to do society. Simply tread your own path and find your own happy life.
I hope you are now enjoying a wonderful non-earache Christmas as I am.

I can see where some people would judge you for this. But most who would cast a stone may just not understand the importance or appreciate togetherness. There is nothing wrong with what you did in my eye's. :-)

Thanks. I appreciate your comments.

Each of us is responsible for our own actions and what we allow others to do to us. Congrats...feel no remorse....it sounds like you are doing what is necessary to save your soul. At that point, there is no other choice.

Thanks

I am really proud of you, OMY...despite great odds and much adversity, you are building a new life for yourself....go for it!

Have a look at the website Outofthefog.com. It is a very helpful support site for people living with or sharing the life of a person with any type of personality disorder.

I will check it out

It gives me much happiness to see you moving stalwartly towards your OWN happiness, despite the many obstacles others are putting in your way.

The traditional moral models of "living properly" are based on ideal situations. They do not take into account severe challenges. Ask anyone and most people would tell you they would never steal - but if you are starving or worse, your children are starving, any one of us would steal in a heart beat. In effect you are "starving" so your solution is to take on a position that would never have been necessary if you had not found yourself "starving" to begin with!

Do you know the old story about the man caught in a flood who refused all efforts to rescue him because "The Lord will save me"? After refusing three different rescue attempts, he drowns and ends up at the Pearly Gates. He says to God: "Why dfid you not rescue me Lord?"

The good Lord replies: "I sent you three separate rescue efforts and you denied all three. What else could I do?"

At the risk of sounding rude, please consider your dear and wonderful new partner to be an answer from God for your problems. Rejecting her would be like turning away one of those rescue attempts, IMO!!

Grasp your newfound happiness with both hands. Do NOT let others de-rail you from what you know is right for you. Remain respectful, fair and non-judgemental in your relations ith your Ex, but do not let her judgements (or those of anyone else, if they are negative) deflect you from your current path! Every best wish for your lasting happiness!!

I am well into my second year of divorce from my abusive BPD ex-wife. As terrible as she was to be married to, she is even worse going through divorce. I feel for you.

It is worth any price to be free of a partner like that. I had thought the only way I would escape her was when they put me in the ground. Now that I am getting divorced, and now that I have a new, great relationship, I feel like I have a new lease on life.

Don't let anyone judge you for what you had to do to save yourself. You didn't murder anyone -- you accepted love from someone who cares about you. If people have a problem with that, then that is their problem.

Enjoy the rest of your life. It is only just beginning.

Thank you so much. I am just now getting to the stage where I am coming to grips with my freedom and trying to enjoy it rather than trying to keep everyone happy all of the time.

If she is BD you are screwed. Escape is the only way. Shrinks seem to try to fix but some people can not be. If you have not looked at ashrink4men and outofthefog websites give them a go...

I have looked there and it is a good site. I also belong to welcome to oz a site for people dealing with borderlines.

I have known for some time I am screwed, just trying to make the best of a very bad situation.

Your on your way out though.... Things are looking up :)