I Am Going Though a Divorce

It has been 5 months since I ask my soon to be ex to leave. After a week he was on a dating web site trying to find his self another woman. This really hurt because I thought he loved me. I thought by asking him to leave that it would make him realize what he had but instead it blew up in my face. He liked his new found freedom and admitted to me that he would just sit there and play the play station just to see what he could get away with. I feel so depressed and empty inside I thought we would be together forever. I guess I was wrong and now I feel he never loved me at all just married me because I had his kid and it was the "right" thing to do. I feel as if I have no purpose in life and that I'm lost. We have four kids together and there dealing with it the best way they know how. One is mad that there dad already has a girlfriend. The other has said he wanted to die at least twice now they are in counseling to help with the process. I just can not believe that this is happening. I don't even know if I want to ever date again its just to scary out there. For my kids sake I'm trying to move on and act like nothing is bothering me when inside I just feel like I am dieing. Is this normal? I have tried to find a support group where I live but have found nothing. I need someone who has been though this to talk to. I still cry because he shows no emotion, and acts like this is not hurting him at all. I ask if he loved me and he said only like a sister and that he don't ever think he was in love with me. Oh he still wants to have sex with me, what the heck is up with that he doesn't love me yet he wants to take me to bed. How can men be the way they are " only thinking with one head"? I feel I am getting to a point to where I hate men and want nothing more to do with them, I have been hurt so much. Will this pass? I have seen a doctor and I am taking a depression medicine to help, but it feels like I still is going on. Another thing I can not listen to sad songs or I start crying this is so silly. Thanks for reading this and any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

 

ithielmann ithielmann
36-40, F
6 Responses Feb 14, 2009

You are right to not do it for the children, because you have to go afater your heart and your needs. Eventually as to all of us our children grow and leave, so we need to think of ourselves and what we want. I think what your soon to be ex is going though is called, Whating his cake and eating it two. He wants both. As well I am sure he know that you would get everything his the divorce goes through, that mean support for yourself and all children. So he will have to pay you alot of money. He wants both, don't let him! You go after all you want!

I live in Sunman Indiana. My day wasn't to bad. I had a IUD put in today it was not fun. That way if I ever think about sex again and the rubber breaks or something I won't freak out. My soon to be ex is sending me mix singles. First he don't love me anymore but yet he does the dishes and said " Well we have to start to re build our relationship and we have to start somewhere". I told him we had a talk and we decided to leave things as they are and he said yeah but if there is a chance I would like to see if we can fix things, then he said just say it was a good will gesture. He is so confusing. I know that I only love him because he is the father of the kids and that I have no physical attraction toward him. I know what true love is and I don't have it toward him either. I would do anything for my kids but to be with him just for them that is something I can not do for them.

Just want to say hi, and hope that your day is going well. My day well I have a day off today, but I have so many things that I have to get done. Jacob my youngest just got Scarlett Fever, so he is not feeling well at all. It's amazing what kids can get. I thought this was something that you only get in the states or other places but it is common now. There are antibiotic's that you can take for it, you just have to watch how bad it is. It is more like the chicken pocks just worse (in the itchy way) rash, fever, you name it. I feel so bad for him. I hate it when my children get sick, you wish that you can take it from them, have it yourself. Anyway not much else doing today, just one of those busy days where you don't have tons of time to sit and jut relax. I have to admit though I went to bed at 8 pm last night, how lazy is that. lol. Think if you today and hoping that you are ok. I by the way, I live in Burlington, Ontario, where are you from if you do not mind me asking Irene.<br />
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Have a good day, and remember smile at least once today!

Thank you both so much

Big Hug! It sounds like a tough time for you. Lady Dove is right--it's going to be a bumpy road. I wonder if your ex was acting like a jerk just so you would ask him to leave? You are having to guide your kids thru an emotional time, as well as yourself. And yes, you all are quite normal--who wouldn't react when their whole life as they know it has been dumped upside down? But now, teach your kids how to navigate new situations, new people, new places like it's an adventure -a new chapter in your lives. You don't have to stay strong--just muddle through each day, and you're doing fine!

I have been through the same thing as you have, everything down to the wanting the sex even though there is nothing left. I was married had 2 children, and thought too, when I made those vows it was forever. I also was dying inside as well, or so I though that I was. It took a very long time, but I tryed to involve myself in my children. It was hard to do, but one thing that you have to remember to do, is cry when you need to, when your children are with you, you have to. I found that by hiding my emotions infront of my children, it was more of a determent to them, as they saw it as if I did not care that this was happening to me, or too them as well. I to went to the doctors and was put on med for anxiety and panic attacks same as depression. But be careful as they can be a crutch. I found that out. Just a suggestion, but sometimes during these times you may need it, but promise yourself that you will be off them soon. Fight for all that you believe in, make him think that he is not winning, always smile around him, as if you where happy, as hard as it is, make him feel as is you do not need him, because even though at this time, you don't feel that way..you need to be strong as you have children who love you, and need you as much as you need them. The biggest thing to do is to get a book, that is private for you only, record, document everything and anything that he does, as if there is a case for custoday and he tries to go after it and money from you, then you have evidence etc, that he has a new girlfriend, etc... you will win that way. As per your children they come first. And they will all have difference of opinion, remember they feel that they are in the middle, although he may be an *******, they love you and love there father and they want to make you both happy, (sometimes it does not feel that way) let them no they have there own voice, let them no you love them no matter what, unconditionally, and that you are there for them whenever they need to talk. If you do not keep the lines of communication open, they with resent you later on. One thing I learn is not to talk bad about there dad infront of them, I did a few times, and later on my chidlren called me on it. Sometimes is is hard to bite our tongues. I don't know how old your children are but give them a journal, make it a special thing, and have one for yourself. Sit with them and tell them they can write there feelings, anything good bad, etc, you do the same and tell them you are going to do the same. Make it a fun thing as much as possible, even if they just want to draw in it. It will release tention for them as well as you. You can also tell them that if they leave them in a special spot each of them you will write back to them or talk to them about there feelings, because more than likely they don't understand half of what they feel. As for yourself you are not alone. I know you are going through a hard time and the light at the end you cannot see. It is hard. I was alone through everything as well, divorce, custody etc, no parents, no friends, by myself. I am still standing. Somedays will be easier and some will be harder. I still have a hard time listening to sappy music, I hate seeing people just getting married, and hate watch love stories. What kinds of things do you enjoy doing? That is another thing you have to look into. Keep yourself busy. The more time you have on your hands the more time you have to think of all the hurt you feel. you have to give yourself time to greave. I am here if you want to talk at all. So, I guess you can find this a positive day, you have someone now, if you want.<br />
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Stephanie