Careful...be Careful

You know the part where after the heat boils over and cools, there's that period of clarity. In every marriage and divorce there are signs that there once was something that made the relationship great. That made the marriage worth every moment. Where the love trumps all of the bad. Not because of how good it feels but how well it succeeds.

This to me, feels like a tragedy. I will always find ways to make it work, things that will fix the situation. But it's only putting a Band-Aid on a severe plumbing leak. It's going to keep happening as long as he does not correct his own mistakes (instead of pointing out mine). Misdirected blame is a common thing a lot of people do in order to "cope" but it harms the other person. There are real reasons why people resort to it because of fear of judgement, fear of being left before they leave. But whatever it is, it does nothing to prevent a severed relationship. It only protects the person from feeling, from loving, from being scared, from feeling sadness and joy. From feeling at all.

I have always done the daredevil stunt that not only rescued our relationship, brought it back from the ashes, but made it thrive for a long period of time. As my responsibilities have me stretched in different areas like with children and my pets, the offers that are coming in for work again, I can't hold this up on my own. I should have never held this up on my own. That is where the start of our marriage fell apart. The foundation was no good. I just kept fixing it and making it look beautiful, but the cracks kept appearing.

He shows remorse. But not responsibility. He shows he has been a wreck over it but he has a rotten way of showing it. I'm sure now he was acting out in hurt. But that's what children do before they realize it hurts their friends, then they learn to stop. They learn to stop hurting their friends when they are hurt. He would love to work it out...but I would love for him to stop leaving and stay to work it out. That part, I am uncertain he will ever do. I might love the idea but that idea may never be realized.

As much fun as I have had with him. Some joy, great memories, wonderful things we've done together...he is not dependable. He will leave at the drop of a hat. It hurts that he makes things more complicated at the simple needs of comfort during difficult times. I am having a difficult time and want someone to lean on, instead I am getting a divorce because of hard headed reluctance in giving that comfort. When kindness is held back because of something, that's when it becomes cruel. I let him know that, he wasn't listening. Now that he says he wants to listen, what is going to stop him from doing it again to me. All this stress this divorce has already put us through. He is not getting the right consistent PTSD counseling. He just stops because he thinks he is cured then it happens again. No matter how many times I tell him he can't stop. No matter how many times we see him slip away because he won't take care of it. He will know that and still not take care of it. Not until it is too late. Which means this is a cycle that may never be broken unless I leave. He won't commit. I have no other choice. I wish I did. But just how angry, lost, and alone it made me. How relieved I am that I am not depending on someone who probably won't be there. He'll show up alright but he won't be compassionate about it. He used to not show up at all. But does that mean I have to spend five more years before anything substantial happens again?

That I don't know. That I need to figure out. Otherwise, I'm not letting up on cutting our ties. The case isn't strong enough to make it a healthy nurturing exchange between two adults.

Tekkamaki Tekkamaki
31-35
6 Responses Mar 13, 2010

i get you,i totally get you.

PTSD, my husband who left me to live with a young girlfriend 2 years ago, is now convinced that that is what is wrong with him. I gave him so much support before he moved out as he was crying, pacing the floor, saying he was having a nervous breakdown and I supported him, urging him to get some help. Every weekend he was gone, saying it calmed him to take a 'day' trip. I sat home alone worried about him. Ha. It took me some time to discover that what had been going on is he had exported a young troll (I was amazed at the amount of time he had spent at the computer, way into the night) from FL, she left her husband and young son. That's where he was on the weekends and other times he would disappear for hours at a time. Their apt. is only 5 blocks from our home. He took her to SF, and Vegas that I know of. They eat at nice restaurants and are spending money like water. He has spent or hidden our nest egg. He took early retirement to be with her. I mention all this to alert other women who are in the situation of husbands acting oddly. Now that the money is gone or hidden, we are finally talking seriously about divorce. Women need to take an interest in the finances, I didn't. It just disappeared. He even went to BOA where we had a $50,000 JOINT CD, got them to cash it out and give it to him. I was stupid to let him handle all the money. I do have my SS which comes in every month, I hope. Peace

It sometimes come down to survival. I picked mine

I’m so sorry you are having a very hard period, my dear friend. You are a wonderful person and I wish you all the best. I know this feeling when you boil inside yourself for a long time and then the highest boiling point comes, and you can’t stand this current situation and need to change everything in your life. <br />
You are having all my support and you should know you may count on me.

Thank you. I am sad for all of us too. I kept telling him that he worked so hard not to get to this point again. I kept telling him "Don't blow it because you are stressed." I kept telling him that I'm his wife, I'm committed, I love him, he just needs to understand when he hurts someone they hurt. He can't change that but he can stop doing it. He can make sure he never does it again. He glazed over and let the stress of his job and ptsd get to him. He wasn't calling his therapist for preventative attacks. So it went...so it happened...Then when he resorted to ways of really getting under my skin, I couldn't take it. <br />
<br />
It's just...the strange relief and sleep I've been getting lately. The weight off my shoulders. I know I'm it. I'm the only one my family can depend on now but at least I can certain that I will pull through. And when I can't I will know and find a way for them. That's the important part, I will know when I can't and find a way. That's what needed to happen and didn't. I'm just glad I'm not raging and furious anymore...

I am sad for all of you. I know how rough it can be from all sides. Sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do though. My best wishes to you and your family.