She Called Off The Engagement, She Is Sure, But I Am Dying.

After 5 years of being together, and living together, I thought she was waiting for me to propose. And I did. But a few months after the engagement she called it off and wanted to go in separate ways. I guess she always had doubts about me. I had my doubts too, but at the end of the day, I was willing to overlook everything and try to work things out. I thought she was going to do the same, but she just can't lie to herself anymore and thinks that we're going to have a very unhappy future. Because she is sure that we won't. After convincing her twice since the engagement, I realized that I can not convince her anymore, this isn't right, I want to marry someone who is excited to marry me. So I decided to accept it. And to move on. And this feeling of emptiness is eating me from the inside.

It is so hard. I've fallen in a deep stage of depression. I lost my best friend. I don't know what to do without her. I feel like I lost myself during the last 5 years, and I invented a new self- a person that revolved around someone else's life. I used to be a very independent man with my own visions and goals, full of confidence. But after I met her I WANTED to open up and share everything with her. So i lost my identity, and became a new man, a man that wanted to live for someone else. I let it happen. I wanted this to happen. I didn't mind being vulnerable for the person I think it's the one. This wasn't a byproduct of being in a relationship... I wanted it this way, I wanted to give my all and totally trust this person. I thought I had to be this new person who was willing to live for someone else. But now since she is no longer next to me, I feel so lost. I don't know who I am, who I was or who I used to be. I don't know how to do anything. I can't swallow food, everything is tasteless, the breeze from my window doesn't feel fresh, nothing is funny, or fun, I just want her next to me. Or perhaps I want anybody next to me.

I thought about the things I have to do to move on, and I know exactly what to do. But it's so hard, sometimes I just wanna give up and call her and beg her. But I know it's over and that it will only make it worse for me. I know I have define myself, or re-define it. I need to learn how to be on my own, and be this person I used to be. Though I can't even remember ANYTHING of how I used to be, or things I used to do while I was on my own. What passions did I have? what hobbies did I have? what inspired me? what? what? what?

Is this a test from God? or a gift from him to build character in me? I don't want to get religion involved in this...but I did lose my faith during the last 5 years. I am so lost, I feel like I am going to die of sadness. It's like a disease slowly killing me. I have a lot of support from friends, but in the end it has to be ME who moves on...and I know all this...but still...i feel so weak. Time will heal all, yes I know...but...this is hard... this is so hard.
Lacana Lacana
26-30, M
7 Responses Aug 8, 2010

It sounds like you confused love and trust a little with becoming one with your partner when you are with someone you should always strive for what they call interdependence and that is joining with this person and becoming equally important and dependent on each other without losing yourself so that you no longer know where one begins and the other ends. It is pretty common though and I have been there before but it could be maybe the mere fact that you were so intertwined in her is why she felt out of sorts maybe she thought she could no longer be herself and felt smothered and so ran for the hills do some reading on interdependence when i go through this and i have a few times it helps me to know why i am going and feeling the way i do and that what i am feeling and going through has a purpose in the grand scheme of things it will take time you write great journal every day or every time you need to it will help get it out and you can read it later and see how far you have come later.

Lacana, you will be just fine. Best that things went the way they did. Remember the good times, and forget the bad times .. AFTER you figure out what you DO want, now that you know what you DO NOT WANT!!! ... so dream of the things that you DO WANT, and forget about the things that you do not want ... you will see the things you want ... as they come into your happy life... enjoy!

i feel you. the same thing has happened to me. he left me after two years. am so broken. i dont know wat to do. i gave it my all, and i was willing to try harder and to over look all the faults, just to make it work at the end of the day. but he left. he now speaks rudely to me. i dont know wat to do. i cant even function properly at work. and i have no friends. am lost.

i have had a relationship about 6 years with a guy, it ended bad, he choose to be with a woman from pub that he just met for few times rather than me. 6 years relationship couldn't won to a few days meeting. that was my worst day in life..<br />
<br />
i have been through to all the feeling that you have now. That was hard and hurt, it was like alive but actually died. No one could help me, the only one who could help me just me, what i am talking is i lost a man who was being part of me, i wasted my time being with a man that couldn't see me as i see him, i feel like i was loosing the precious thing in my life, but....<br />
actually destiny saved me from having horrible future with a terrible man. And i know, I deserve to get someone better. <br />
<br />
When you lost something that you think that one so mean for you, just try to think that all of that things happen for a reason.<br />
And you have to find out the reason of it. <br />
<br />
And you need to get up, you lost your bestfriend, someone that you have been count on for 5 years, but REMEMBER you still have a future, and your future is like an empty white board now, so start to fill your future with someone who is deserve to get into it. Someone that need you and no not just need you,<br />
but she needs your presence to be with her until the last of her life, your touch, your voice, your smile, your hug, all the things on you is precious for her.<br />
When you have met this lady, you will remember this worst day and you will thankful.<br />
<br />
I hope all of the things that i have said could cheer you up even a lil..^^

man i feel deep pain for u guys...i KNOW how it is...i wish there was something i can praying for you.

I finally accept it " “If you love something set it free; if it returns its yours forever, if not it was never meant to be.” <br />
Still miss him and thinking of him though :(

I wish my man would have gave as much as you gave.... <br />
<br />
I am in the same boat as you are and totally understand how you feel. I feel so empty, almost to the point I have no thought in my head. and I feel worthless for anybody to love me. He was my best friend too. I don;t carry my cellphone anymore, because it is hard to talk to him right now. <br />
<br />
It is not a test from god. This just means that your frequency and her frequency didn't match somehow. <br />
<br />
And yes, I believe time will heal... in the mean while, I do also feel like I am dying..