Trying To Get Over My Ex, But Still Remain Good Friends

I feel as though my experience is something that's happened to several people and yet I'm having incredible difficulty getting over it, only because I ask myself so many unanswerable questions. Back in December 2009, I was feeling extremely lonely and depressed - I'm not really the kind of guy that attracts a ton of ladies, and I feared another lonely Christmas, when a friend of mine fixed me up with who would become my girlfriend (I'll leave her name out for privacy reasons). We all met at Friendly's and it turned out to be a date, because our friend left us alone to talk, and we really hit it off right away. I tend to be nervous or uncomfortable around girls, especially ones I think I like, but she was nervous too and I felt like I could relate to her very easily. We had a "cute" sort of date and I drove her home (she does't have her license yet, she's 18). On the ride home, I asked her to confirm that we were boyfriend/girlfriend, which we did and it was truly one of the greatest nights of my life to this point. After I went home that night, it didn't take me long to hear from her again. She'd IM me or text me almost every day and was extremely interested in knowing about my life, and I hers.

Long story short, we dated for 6 months. I became accustomed to certain routines, going over her house, going to places we both liked, learning more about her family and personal life, while also introducing her to mine. We shared a romantic valentine's day together and did a lot of great things. This is really the first time something like this has happened to me. I have had girlfriends before, but it was usually either casual or the girl didn't care as much as I did or I didn't care as much but I really felt committed to this girl because she was so interested in me even though I have a fair number of quirks. I'm extremely comfortable around her and she was comfortable enough around me to tell me some personal things. I also felt like I didn't have to "play games" with her. I could always say how I was feeling about something, and get a straight answer from her and this was incredibly relieving. She was supportive, kind and everything I'd want in a girlfriend.

Unfortunately, I fear I wasn't everything she wanted in a boyfriend. I find this hard to believe because she wanted to see me all the time. We saw each other at least a few times a week despite both having busy schedules and she was always interested in when we could see each other next. However, we broke up about a month ago, she told me that she's sorry but she only sees me as a friend. She said she'd been trying to force some romantic feelings for me in the last month or so and just couldn't do it. She was convinced that it couldn't work out and nothing I could say/do would convince her otherwise. More unfortunately, I didn't believe this. I was convinced the girl I met 6 months ago was still in there, so I begged and pleaded, but she insisted she just wanted to be friends. Because I was so hurt and so used to having her in my life, I agreed to this and convinced myself that being friends with her would work. We could still hang out, still talk about everything we've been talking about, still be close, just not in the same way. So I saw her about 2 weeks after the breakup and had a pretty good time. We conversed, played video games and spent a few hours together. Unfortunately, this didn't alleviate the fact that I still had feelings for her and I felt partially insulted that she didn't bring up the relationship or anything but not surprised, since she wants to move on, but yet still wants to see me. So I saw her again, but this time I got more emotional. I asked her why she wasn't trying to save the relationship and said a bunch of stuff along those lines. I thought these things would freak her out for sure and make her not want to see me again, but it actually seemed to be the opposite. She became interested in knowing why I wanted to save the relationship so bad so I told her and we got into a long talk about it. We even shared what would've been a romantic moment if we were still dating. We laid together on the grass at a park at night. I thought it meant something to her but it most likely didn't. Finally she tolld me we should just be friends, however she'd tell me if she thought it had a chance of "going anywhere". Of course, this got my hopes up so the next time I saw her, I tried being a bit more flirty and acting like I should be her boyfriend again. She didn't seem noticeably freaked out, which added to my hopes, but then I heard from a friend later that she was complaining that I wasn't accepting the breakup, which is true, but she was the one "leading me on" so to speak. I'm not saying I've been handling this right, but that's why I'm here.

Finally, the other night I saw her again and was able to keep my cool, until the end. She asked me if I wanted to discuss our breakup and I couldn't resist. She insisted she only felt friendship for me, but she wanted to clear things up. I admitted that I was angry at her because I still kind of am. She expressed incredible interest in this relationship for the majority of it, and I feel like I'm just supposed to throw it away and be okay with being "just friends", and watch as she meets some new guy and does the same stuff with him. The sad part is, part of me wouldn't mind doing that because I have so many memories with her and I do feel like we could be friends because she's the kind of person I like hanging out with, but my ulterior motive would be to save the relationship. We both admitted this, and so we agreed that we shouldn't see each other for a "while". We didn't say how long that is, but agreed it would be at least a month. Since I've met her in December, I haven't gone more than 2 weeks without seeing her. I know I can handle the break, but still, I have many confused feelings about this. As much as part of me doesn't want to be mad at her and doesn't want any "bad blood", I can't help but be a bit hurt, angry and unwilling to speak to her, but then I tell myself I might end up regretting doing that. It's never a good idea to lose a good friend over something that you can get over in time, but I just feel very confused on this. I feel like if I do truly get over my feelings for her, I might not want to be friends, only because I have so many friends already and I don't want to risk falling back in love with her. But I can't keep doing what I've been doing... seeing her and supressing my feelings. I need to admit that I'm hurt and angry at her but then I need to get over it, or we can never be friends.

I basically just want to feel like there was a point to this, that I'll at least come out of it with a very good friend. At first I thought she only wanted to be friends because she felt bad abuot the breakup and it was more out of pity, but she does seem sincere or else she wouldn't keep seeing me and caring about how I felt. I'm just not myself around her anymore though because I'm harboring these feelings, and even if they go away, I don't know if seeing her is a good idea. I want to believe so badly that we can be friends and laugh and have a good time and even reference the relationship sometimes and feel okay about it. She seems okay with it, but I can't speak for someone else. She may be just as upset but just wants to move on. She'll never tell me the truth, even when given the chance to. I poured out my heart to her on several occasions and feel like she's either too embarassed or unwilling to do the same. Or maybe she just has nothing to say, maybe I put too much value into this relationship and she's already eager to move on to a new "endeavor", in which case I don't know how to feel. I can't be mad at her for wanting someone else, but I can't just sit by and act happy for her when I'm clearly not.

I feel like there's a good chance we won't be in contact after a while just because of all this and that's sad to me, but again, I realize this kind of stuff happens. It's just a weird kind of pain because part of me wants so badly to get over it and then part of me doesn't because I want to remember her fondly. It's almost like when someone dies and you want to keep talking about them because it keeps their memory alive. I feel like if I genuinely let go of these feelings, I won't care anymore and it'll be as if that time was all for nothing. But I can't hold on to it either. I'm not sure if anyone can really help me with this because I've already driven my friends nuts with the same things. One day I need to stop talking about it and move on, but right now I feel like I could write several hundred pages on it. Im just wondering if anyone can relate to what I'm going through or maybe even give me some insight, on if they went through something similar and remained good friends with the person afterwards? Is there any hope this will have some kind of happy ending? Or will I just see her again and have the same thing happen? I guess everyone's different and any predictions are kind of random. It's times like these I wish I could see into the future...
sonicfan287 sonicfan287
Jul 23, 2010