A Breakup And The Thoughts That Are Killing Me...

Hi everyone! I would like to share my story with you, if you don't mind. It is going to be a long post, so I apologize for that and I would love to see what other people think, since no one knows about my situation the way it is, except for my sister.

There is a girl that we had been together for over 5 years. We are both 25 years old. Everything used to be great the first four years. We met in college, stayed happily together for 4 years, we never had arguments, everything was ideal, but we lived separately (but nevertheless close-by).

The problems started when we finished college, there was a turn into our lives. We finished college, and while I wanted to progress with post-grad studies, she started working harder and harder full-time in a job that she was already working part-time. So, a year and a half ago I left the country to study abroad, while she had to stay back and focus on her work. At that point we didn't find it reasonable to breakup, since we were deeply in love and devoted. After all, she was visiting every two months for a week and I was going back home for holidays thee times for two weeks.

However, since studying abroad was a totally new experience to me, I admit that I was carried away in many ways. I didn't have too much time to talk with her on Skype or FB, because I was either studying or partying hard (mind you, living on my own in such an environment was a thing that I always dreamed about). To make short story long, she was constantly complaining about the situation, and while I was trying to make things up, it wouldn't seem to work. I acknowledge from my part that I could have handled the situation differently by showing her that I care more. I guess that was more my inability to handle a new situation, rather than a lack of interest to communicate with her.

Nevertheless, it all comes to last summer when I came back for holidays, while I was trying to finish my thesis (very hard work). I noticed though that her affection towards me had changed drastically. We didn't even enjoy having sex. It was the feeling of calmness before a storm. When I managed to finish my thesis, she told me that her feelings have changed indeed, that she didn't feel the same, and said that I contributed to that (rightfully) by neglecting her. So, four months ago we broke up, and I didn't return back home but instead I tried to look for a job abroad, which I have so far failed miserably at, since I am still unemployed. While I was still away, we used to barely talk (like 2 times per month or so), and our conversations usually were weird, in a sense that we acted casual but there was always some resentment in our words.

Final part of the story is the saddest one. I came back from holidays this xmas, and the asked me out the same day I landed home. We went out, had a good time, and ended up having sex (which was bellow average by the way) in my place. Sadly, I noticed some scars on her body that could only be attributed to acts of sex. I asked her about that, she denied having seen other men ever since. She also asked me, and I told her the truth, that I haven't been with any girls ever since. But i was so curious, that I had to check her phone while she was sleeping. Terrible mistake...

There is apparently this guy from a city far away from ours that she goes to visit almost every weekend, and I found out that they have started seeing since last summer, and they were having the most kinky conversations from the next day of our breakup. There must have exchanged messages before that date, but I'm sure they were deleted in case I would check her phone, not a thing that I ever tried in the past however. Anyway, the things that I read that night haunt me and might even haunt me forever. The messages were about the most kinky stuff that I could ever imagine. It can be said that it goes as far as extreme S&M. Things that we had never done, and I admit that we were kinky when it came to sex a lot already; this has taken it to a whole different level. I never told her what I saw, mainly because we have a business thing together that is super important for the next couple of months, and I need to act cool until its over.

Ever since I have trouble sleeping, I have zero appetite, and even though I try to see friends and be with other people all the time (without going into details of the last part, I feel ashamed I guess), I still feel so lonely. I tried to play some videogames, watch a movie, take up a sport, join the gym but it all seems so useless at the moment. I also feel so inadequate, since I may have never turned on my ex the way this guy does, even though we had good sex until last summer. I feel so betrayed on top of it. I even feel hatred for the guy, because he knew about us.

The last part of the story is that she keeps calling me at times, while I tried to avoid her (without saying that to her though), but she keeps coming back. The truth is that even after the incident, we both enjoy each other's company and have met a few times, no kissing, no sex, we are just having deep conversations, and every time I swear she gives me the feeling that she thinks she has become a terrible person, that life doesn't work out for her, she hates her job, and stuff like that. Me on the other hand, is still unemployed and my confidence level is bellow ground on every aspect of life.

I am not sure what I should do with her. Every day I think of the day that I can finally confront her after the business that binds us is over, give her a huge slap in the face and then let her know that she betrayed me, that she caused me to have nightmares, and everything. I swear, even though I don't know if this is the first time it has happened, no one could ever suspect a person like that. But in a way, I still miss her. From what we are discussing, we could have been together if I didn't go abroad to study or try to find a work here. And as if that wasn't enough, I may have a job offer here in our country. Maybe if I take it and have another go at it? She also tells me she want to leave her parent's house and the same goes for me. I am not sure about what I want anymore. I just want to be happy, one way or the other... I feel so lonely...
vulpesX vulpesX
Jan 18, 2013