Having A Real Hard Time At The Moment

Hi all ... this is my first ever post on here.

I have been in a relationship with a girl I love with all my heart for just over 5 years. We live at opposite ends of the country (UK) and we met on the internet. We have spent the last 5 years breaking up and getting back together again. We were even married for 2 1/2 years, got divorced, got back together and planned marriage again.

 I love her so, so much. I am guilty of playing my part in the misery that we are both going through, I have done some horrible things and said some really nasty stuff.

To be honest, I don't know what I'm trying to say here ... I don't know if I'm looking for advice or if I just want to get it off my chest.

I have been suffering with depression, money worries and health problems and have only just realised that I have been taking things out on her and blaming her for some of these things.

She has been using facebook and has been chatting to other guys ... this has made me feel very insecure as I don't feel like I am the man she fell in love with, I feel weak and unimportant, my confidence has vanished and I'm always down. I reacted badly when I saw a few wall posts she had left on one guy's page, the crazy thing is, he lives in New Zealand and I really shouldn't see him as a threat at all but I feel betrayed, almost as if she has been having an affair with him ... she keeps dismissing it as 'just friends' but it doesn't stop the way i feel. They are sharing things and talking about things she won't talk to me about. She won't talk to me about it and won't listen to how I feel. It's eating me up inside and is getting bigger each day, it's not going away. It's as if I have found out she isn't the person I thought she was ... I always thought and hoped she would only want me but now I don't.

There is a hell of a lot more to all of this but it would take forever and a day to get it all on here ...

We have split up again and I really don't want that. I understand why she does because it's been nothing more than heartache for us both. I know that in the right circumstances we could be happy, especially once trust issues have been resolved. We have both been guilty of not trusting and we have both been guilty of giving the other reason not to trust (by that I mean we have both said we were going to find someone else etc ...).

I don't know what to do or even why I am on here ... desperation probably. I don't want to hear negativity and I don't want to be told to walk away because I will not give up. I love her more than I ever could have imagined, I think about her all the time whether we're together or not.

I am hurting really badly. I am sorry for dumping all of this on here.



paulg123 paulg123
36-40, M
Feb 8, 2010