Need An Outsiders Point Of View, Please!! I Need Strength Or Insight!

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and four months. We met at a bar, and we just connected right away.  He was attractive and he made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world.  We just had chemistry.  I focused a lot of energy and time into my education and career, that I never found myself interested in finding a committment.  I felt lonely a lot before I met him, and kind of out of place because all of my friends and sisters were either married or in long committed relationships.  I still to this day, do not know if the chemistry was because I was finally ready and willing to pursue a relationship, or if I did in fact fall over heels for him.  Since we started dating he was a full out gentleman to me.  He had bought me flowers more times that I can remember, he still opens doors for me (including the car), he comforts me and cuddles me & kisses me and hugs me whenever he gets a change.  Our physical relations are amazing and mind blowing.  He makes me dinner.  He cooks, he cleans and he loves surprising me.  He makes me laugh and I love being with him.  He knows when I am happy, sad, mad, confused, excited or frustrated without having to say a word.  He always looks out for my best interests and when I give him advice he takes it.  He is constantly working towards making me happy and making me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world.  He is wonderful to me and I have never really experienced this level of love and respect within a relationship.

We dated for the first year and a bit as a long distance couple.  I am from the suburbs and he is from a rural location.  Because we lived more than an hour away from each other, we spent every single weekend together to make up for the work days. My friendships started to suffer because I would only see them on work nights and I never was really able to party with them.  When we did make a plan on the weekend to spend time with my friends, he would make me feel so guilty for taking time away from him, that I could never really enjoy myself.  I became a different person in the eyes of my friends and sisters and they could only blame Peter for our relationship shifts.

As time went on, I became more accustomed to my relationship and made him my world.  I ignored the fact that my parents didn't like him and I ignored the fact that my friends and other family members thought I was too good for him.  I enjoyed our closeness, and liked the fact that his whole family and circle of friends adored me. 

After about a year of dating, it soon became a horrendous tug of war battle.  He knew my friends and certain family members were not fans of his, so he started to bear grudges and refuse to make social efforts with a lot of people who are important to me.  We became closer with his family and his friends because we never seemed to experience any drama, and we both had fun.  My family started heckling me about giving up on friends and never seeing them anymore.  So I started to force him to hang out with my side, and every time I did this we would fight and in the end never seemed worth it, because the whole time we were with them, we would both be so angry and upset that the time was never enjoyable... it was forced.

I am 26 years old.   I am getting paid a good salary and work in advertising.  My career has just taken off, in the city 45-minutes from my house, and I have job security as my boss is a close friend of mine.  I really enjoy my work and have no intention of leaving anytime soon.  5 months ago, I traded in my old car to finance a brand new one.  I still have other debts, on top of my new car.  I have a huge line of credit from University and living expenses.  I have incurred another line of credit for travel, clothing and other necessities.  I have a Car Loan and enough credit card debt.  So my financial seems impossible right now especially when it comes to buying a house... with all this debt a mortgage would not be possible.  I am maxxed out!

He and I talked about moving in with one another, but we battled about location and when.  I obviously wanted to live close to the city and he wanted to stay closer to his hometown.  He works as a steel worker, something that my friends and co-workers kind frown about.  It is one of the major reasons why they say "I am settling".  They can not believe I am with a "workie".  Anyways, in December he decided to buy a house for "us".  I remember the day he called me about this house.  It's the perfect fixer uper.  It is 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and 2 storeys for $145,000.00  It sounded amazing because in my area, to buy a house like that it would be $400,000+.  So I stupidly told him, put in an offer.  He put in an offer and two days later the deal was closed.  He started to become stressed almost instantly because he never thought about the closing fees.  The lawyer, the inspection, the taxes, etc.. etc...  He all of a sudden asked if I was able to help out, since it was "our home".  I wanted to avoid incurring more debt so I withdrew $2500.00 from my RRSP and handed it over.   

Moving in was a very difficult decision because first, it was hard for my family to accept, they still have their reservations about him and because it was against our family's morals and values. I have been brought up in a very Catholic family, where it is their belief that moving in prior to marriage is a BIG no-no!!  He and I discussed everything and all of my concerns.  He told me I would have my freedom (something he knew I wanted), I would be able to pay off my debts because he would cover all the bills and we could be together.  It all seemed to good to be true because weeks before I thought it would be years before I could afford my own home.  Putting all reason and logic aside I moved in two months ago.

Since I moved in, my family is resentful, my friends are resentful and I am not enjoying it at all.  My once 45 minute comute to work, has now become 2 hours.  I spend 4 hours in the car 5 days/week just commuting.. I fill up my tank every other day, I put on 1500 km / week on my car and basically have to get an oil change every month.  I would take the train, but I have to drive 45 minutes to the train station where I would have to pay for public transportation anyways.  

I came from a classy sophisticated neighbourhood, where I am surrounded by small town rednecks.  I haven't paid off my debts, I have incurred more debt.  Turned out that once I moved in, to make the house livable for ME, a lot of renovations were needed.  I had to buy ceramic tiles for the kitchen and two entrance ways.  I had to buy a granite counter top.  I had to buy tiles for the bathroom.  I bought all of the kitchen necessities (coffee maker, kettle, can opener, cheese grater, cutlery, dishes, pots, pans, cooking utensils, BBQ utensils, salt and pepper shakers, toaster, blender, etc... etc...)  I bought the first few rounds of groceries (because all he bought was like 100 pizzas, chicken nuggets, breaded fish and fries.. junk, junk, junk!).  I paid for half of 60" LCD television for our living room and half of a 42" LED television for our bedroom.  Luckily my family supplied us with a kitchen table, dining chairs and a sofa set.  Since I have moved in the house (two months) I have spent 7000+, without even noticing.  He has spent a lot too, but this house is in his name.  He owns the house.  So the past couple of weeks, I was becoming more and more frustrated with the financial situation that I refused to spend any more money, I just spent money on the commute and a small amount of groceries. 

He noticed that I stopped shelling out after two weeks and started to complain that he was being stuck buying all the tools and materials, on top of groceries and paying the bills.  He actually started to become resentful of me and told me that I needed to contribute more.  After a hellish Valentine's Day weekend of marching to the beat of his drum.. he told me where we were going, what we were doing and what I could do from morning to night. Since moving into the house, we lost our intimacy and our relationship has suffered.  He bitched about me finding a job closer (no position around him would even pay half the salary I make), that I had to make sacrifices to better our situation... I just grew more and more stressed and noticed him become more and more resentful.  Our relationship wasn't working anymore, and I was too frustrated to put in the effort, so...

Last Thursday I took the day off work, and packed up the majority of my things.  He knew something was up because I hugged him for a longer than usual time before I said goodbye.  When he got home, I gave him a letter and told him that things were not working out and I am sorry but it is over.  On my drive home, I wanted to turn back the whole time, but I continued to drive.  I just broke someones heart and he was shocked.  He had no idea that it had gotten to that point.  Since we have broken up he has been an *******, harassing me when I am going to pick up the rest of my stuff (living room furniture, dining furniture and other decor items).  I let him keep all of the kitchen utensils and tiles, and televisions to make things easier, however the furniture pieces belong to my family so I have to get them.

Since we have broken up, all of my friends have been supportive, my family is ecstatic and everything is back to wonderful with them.  However, they are all in relationships.  How much longer will this last.  They are all telling me that this is the best decision ever.  He wasn't the one for you.  You two would have gotten married, had kids and then would have gotten divorced if I didn't end it.  He is a manipulator, he is a "steel worker", he is an idiot, he is unattractive, he will never find better than you, he is a loser, he is white trash, he was disrespectful, he wasn't easy going, he was a nice person, he was ignorant, he was abusive, he was controlling and possessive, he changed you into someone we couldn't recognize, etc. etc.  "Best decision ever" was everyone's opinion and comment.  They told me to stay strong and that there was someone out there better for me.

Anyways, my stuff was his excuse for communicating with me, and then as soon as we made a date and time, I started getting "I love you, I want to marry you, I want you to be the mother of my children", "You broke my heart and crushed our dreams.  I feel sick and I miss you so much I feel like dying", "You and are are soul mates, we are meant to be.  Please call me".  It hurt even more.  I can honestly say that breaking up with someone is much worse than being broken up with.  You are going through heart break on top of feeling guilty and awful for breaking someone else's heart.  Finally I gave into one of his phone calls.  Once I got back on the phone with him, all of my feelings of missing him and loving him came back.  He told me how heart-broken his family is.  He told me his friends have been pestering him to come down to me and fight for our relationship.  They all think we are meant to be and that we should be together. 

I told him the reasons for my decisions... my financial situation has gotten worse rather than get better... the commute is irritating and unaffordable... I hate where we live and feel like I don't belong... I missed my friends and family.. He doesn't like my friends and family and they don't like him... I have given up on my religion... I have put on weight and am constantly feeling stressed out.. and that our relationship shifted from love, appreciation and support to selfish and resentful antics.  I expressed that I still loved him and cared about him, but I am put in a place that I can not afford it financially or physically any longer.

All of a sudden he started saying things like, "We are a team.  Couples go through rough patches but they work together and come up with resolutions".  He talked about us moving to my city after a few years in the house.  That he would be okay with going back to weekends, so my work won't suffer and I can avoid commuting expenses.  He talked about how my friends and family were not being supportive of our love and that they were in the wrong.  He talked about how much he loves me and how much he wants me in his future.  He talked about our children and our future.  He made me start second guessing everything I have done. 

So now I need strength and support from others.  I love him and I know that leaving him will destroy him.  I know that my family and friends will never be supportive of our relationship and that if I went back I would really disappoint them all, but I myself am unsure if I will ever find someone else that truly loves me as much as he does.  I will disappoint his family and friends and they will ultimately hate me for destroying him and breaking his heart.  I can't imagine life without him, and so far I am just becoming more and more numb to it because it really hurts me to think about it.  I also wonder when and if I will ever be able to buy a house, or if I will have to throw away money into rent.  I just feel so confused and hopeless and I am curious about what people outside the situation would have to say?

Any words of advice would be much appreciated!  Thanks (and sorry for the novel).

HavingDoubts HavingDoubts
26-30, F
3 Responses Feb 23, 2010

Opps I meant apt sitting, sorry its late and I am tired. but awake due to this breakup :(

I am going through what you mean about the guilt of having to break up with someone you love and cared for. My situation is different, 5 years but it went bad a LONG time ago. In some ways like the one commenter above with the 7 years relationship. People all around me saw how unhappy I was/am and because of financial reasons I stay put but not this time around. I recently moved into a beautiful new apartment in a prime location and I will NOT have my ex/sort of still boyfriend till May 15th ruin it for me. I am tired of the misery. But back to your post, I too feel the stress of cultural differences rather than religion which has really been a huge thorn in our side. I think if I learn anything from this relationship is its important to share similar values. It just sucks because its such a long drown out process for me. I wish he would move out now but he doesnt have the means to at this time. Ugh. At least right now he's apartment hunting for a friend of his.

I sympathize with you alot on your situation because I myself have gone through the same ordeal you described on and off for nearly seven years. I agree with you completely when you say that it is much harder breaking up with someone you love because not only are you dealing with the pain from a broken heart, but you have to feel the guilt and agony of breaking someone else's heart whom you want nothing but the world and beyond for...<br />
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You seem very similar to me in the sense that you neglect what YOU want for yourself, and what is best for your overall happiness and bliss and future aspirations. You wear your heart on your sleeve and love your family and friends thus listen to their opinions and judgements, and it is important to you that they support you in all your endeavours. You care very deeply about what everyone else thinks and wants around you including your family and friends, and this boyfriend..but what about you? What do you want? What will make you happy? <br />
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You are right. At the end of the day no matter what anybody will tell you, it doesnt go beyond that...at the end of the day people will go back home to their own lives, their own families, their own children, and you will have to fend for yourself. I learned this the hard way. My family for years and on told me how much my boyfriend was bad for me, how much they didnt want us to be together and how i deserved so much better, but when I broke up with him they praised me, patted me on the back and then returned home to their blissful lives. My point in saying this is that yes your family and friends love you and want nothing but good for you, but their opinions shouldnt be the one guiding you to make your own. Essentially you are the one who knows what is best FOR YOU and you are the one who has to live your life and deal with your decisions..dont be swayed by others because no one will ever ever know the true essence to your own reality.<br />
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This man may be the one for you, or he may not be, but only you can decide that. Just think about the future and what your goals were in life before you met him, and now think if they are still attainable WITH him, are they closer or are they farther away? Think about if you've lost yourself in the relationship or have you developed a better meaning of love and energy for life and motivation to become a better human being? Real love is supposed to do that for you...the essence of real love is that you are one and two at the same time...that means that you still have recognition for your self as a distinct entity and persona and identity in this world with value and meaning but at the same time you are one with your soulmate and this is interchangeable.<br />
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That was the deal breaker for me, after seven years and evaluating what my goals were in life and what i wanted to accomplish and whether or not this man made them more attainable for me or more difficult, and whether or not i believed that as a person I became less of myself or more....when i realized that I had lose more than i gained, i cut the cord. I had done it many times before but was too weak and to insecure to make it last so i went running back. And if he really knew what it was too love, if he loved me because he just solely and unconditionally loved ME without selfish pleasures and immature beliefs about what a relationship is supposed to be...then he would have let me go without a fight because even though it hurt him he would have recognized that for me to be happy, he had to let me go......and this goes the same for you. If your man REALLY is a good man, he'll eventually realize that.<br />
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You also need to create a balance and equilibrium between your family and your boyfriend if you continue to stay in the relationship. People who love you must respect the decision you make as well as your loved ones. Your boyfrind should be accepting of you having a past, a family and roots that you are connected too and your family should respect that you want to share your life with this person. It goes both ways, and you have to make that clear to them and stand up for yourself.<br />
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I hope everything works out for you from the bottom of my heart.