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He Said He Didn't Know If He Loved Me Anymore

I have been married for 13 years and have 2 amazing kids.  About 8 months ago, my husband told me that he didn't think he loved me anymore.  I knew we had been growing apart for awhile, but it took him saying this to realize we needed help.  He told me that he didn't feel loved anymore.  He said that he didn't think that I needed him or wanted him sexually anymore.  He just didn't know if he wanted to be married to me at all.  I told him that I still wanted to be married and wanted to get help and make it right again.  He did not.

I need to be honest here......I have my own issues.  2 years ago I went through a bout of depression, that was very hard on our family.  I have also struggled with my weight over the years, which has affected my self confidence and self image, which in turn has affected our relationship.  I have taken accountability for my issues right from the start.  I have told him that I want to make this better, whatever it takes.......he does not.

He moved downstairs (we have a suite) a few weeks after his revelation, and has not been back upstairs since.  I should also say that I had to ask him to sleep downstairs, he was still sleeping in the bed.  I have also asked him repeatedly what he wants, whether he wants a divorce, or to move out or to go to counseling and I continue to get nothing.  I continue to get "I don't know."  I continue to get "why do I need to go to counseling?".

So here I am today, 8 months later, with a husband that doesn't want to be married anymore, but doesn't want to move out, but still wants to have sex once in awhile, but doesn't have an answer to divorce or selling the house because he says he doesn't know what he wants.  I know that he can financially afford to move out, he chooses not too.  We are somewhat civil with each other, we don't yell or argue, not in front of the kids if we do.  

I don't know what to do anymore.  I can't afford to move out and have read that I shouldn't until I speak with a lawyer.  I can't afford a lawyer to find out what my next step can or should be and he isn't willing to do anything.  I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster everyday and I'm getting quite tired of it.  The stress of the situation is making me physically ill and I can feel myself starting to fall into that dreadful fog of depression again.

I don't know what to do or where to turn and I would love some different opinions, outlooks or even advice if anyone has some. 

bauerbabe bauerbabe 36-40, F 6 Responses May 18, 2010

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883harleyrider, I am married for the last 30 years and our children are grown, marriage was difficult from the start, but like most women you keep things together for the children, I can't say that through out the marriage that there might have been other women, but something always never felt right, so I can't say , I dont think I ever trusted him 100% and that is not a good recipe for a healthy marriage, and recently after we have not slept together for some years, I found out that he was interested in another woman, of course he has denied it and things got worse between us to the point that he has told me that I should find my self someone. At this time I was not prepared for seperation, although the marriage is bad, I think when the other person makes the decision for you, it becomes very difficult to accept, but that as it may, realize that there are not a lot of choices left, and it he is rejecting you, we need to let men know that we are strong, maybe when you let go, he'll have something to think about, let him go and if he really love , he'll comeback to you.

3 questions for you. Do you love your husband or the marraige? Do you want your marraige to work? Is he seeing anyone on the side? If you answered husband / yes / no, then give it your best. In the end you won't wonder,"Did I do all I could?" Go back to the basics----things you 2 enjoyed doing together. do it with all you heart. Don't give up. If you set a limit on time, you will surely fail. Find and get around those that have done it and shy away from the ones who are negative to your decision.<br />
Sit down and talk about where things started going downhill. Do it without arguing and without vengence. <br />
You battled depression and self esteem issues. You must love yourself. You may not like the current state, but that can be changed. Unless you have a serious disability of some sort, you can anything you put your mind to. <br />
Should you decide to fight for your husband, a bit of advice, DO NOT bring up past hurts during an argument. <br />
More times than not, it is the little things that pull couples apart. On the flip side, the little things work wonders for keeping them together. <br />
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P.S. Don't sweat him not wanting counseling. Trying to push for it could push him away.

Seems to me like you have to be the one to make the move, or you will continue to sit in the house with him, asking him every day if he wants to be divorced. I have heard those words I dont love you anymore and I dont think counseling will help, or I want my own space. This is a kind of wake up call to me, when I realized that he was changing to something different from me. We dont have children so in that way we are both lucky. But right now I am filing separation papers, and trying to move on, and I understand the emotional roller coaster you are talking about, I have been married for 25 years, and we have slowly been moving apart. So for me its time to move on, although this is not easy and will be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I will survi ve, and I will keep myself healthy for me, as you need to keep yourself healthy for you. You cannot fix him, he is a person, just like you are, take care of you. I know you want to hear the answer from him, and you want to know, as I did, until one day my husband got enough liquor in him to tell me he couldnt keep living this way. I was so excited that he finally opened up to me, and now moving on, we are both struggling with separation but maybe this will do us both some good. you can get a free consultation with a lawyer and go from there. I wish you the best of luck and if you need to talk I will try to make myself available for you although I dont have children. So I know this is much harder on you than me. But get yourself some support and talk it out. You matter too you know.

Thank you for your kind words, unfortunately I have tried everything. He is not budging, one way or another. Some days I think there's something there and other days he gives me every reason to think there isn't. I know my next step needs to be legal aid, maybe then he'll make a decision.

Perhaps you could say to him that "We need counseling". Something is causing him to stay whether it be finances or children but neither of you can live a life of uncertainty for long. If he still refuses to go for counseling then call your local mental health organization and tell them about your lack of money and that you want to talk to someone about what you are going through. Some counselors have a sliding scale of payment and also most insurance companies have a mental health plan. You owe it to yourself and your children to take care of you first. If divorce is your final option, legal aid has lawyers that will help you. Womens Health Services is another option for you. There is help available and I hope that you find it before your depression takes a firm hold on your life. Peace and blessings, D.

Well I have been in that position but she had left the relationship long before the divorce was brought up. I have 4 kids and so it was a bit hard for me and I let her have almost everything, I get to start over which I have done before, it sucks but it is what needed... When we got divorced we are still civil to each other but a small friend ship exists there, somewhere. <br />
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I would look at it and see if there is something that you and him can salvage, something in common that you can do to grow back together again, it sounds like he still has some love for you there but might feel like he is at the limit, you admit that you still love him, so it sounds like a growing together and not apart needs to happen. Could be anything from re-doing the house to gardening together.<br />
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If there is nothing left to build a relationship where the both of you bring happiness to the other then maybe it is time to divorce. Just work it out peacefully between you two and keep the kids to the side, they are not the reasons for you two having issues...