Stuck In Limbo

My husband and i have been married for 10 years on June 17, the past 3 years i thought i was super unhappy and told him i needed a sep and even went as far as finding a place to live for me and my son, my plan was to date eachother, and re-build our family and get counseling.
I didnt leave, let the apt go and stayed because I didnt want to leave (this was last october), he went away for work (no there is no other woman) and would be home on the weekends. He was home full time in March or so, he did take a trip on Valentines Day weekend with my son and his best friends sister an thier daughter to visit her brother (his best friend, he has been very close with them for years so this was normal but not on Valentines weekend).
Things seemed to have been getting better since March, recently after we celebrated 10 years,he came home from a gofing trip on June 26 with his best friend (no the sister was no where to be found) and blurted out he has been unhappy for a long time and he wants a sep he said lets sell the house, and go our sep ways. We have a 7 yr old son. I was floored, i asked if there was someone else, he said no, i asked if he would consider counseling ofcourse while i begged him sobbing standing in the kitchen as my body shook from crying, he stood there coldly and said no. that following weekend he took my son away for 4th of July weekend, i asked if i could go and he said no he didnt want me there. The only reasons he gave me for the sep was because we have nothing in common and he will be 40 this year and he dowsnt want to be miserable for the rest of his life. I went to pay his cell phone bill on july 9, and got curious as to who he has been talking to that would have talked him into leaving me, i found a number of this woman (i called it) that he had spent over 12 hours on the phone with in less than 10 days so Iasked him who she was via text message. It took him over a half hour to call me - i called her number yes. He has called her home, he has called her job, and her cell. He called me and told me it was a FRIEND he met in NC in a bar. Said she was his friend and it was no big deal - i said well yes its a big deal, i told him he couldnt call her anymore because 1. he is legally married, 2. we share the same bed still, 3. he has been intimate with me since he told me he wanted the sep (ofcourse afer he says this doesnt change anything). He said I cant just stop talking to her her - i said yes you can - you owe her nothing, you met her in a bar you have spent 14 yrs with me and we have a child, we have a home an thats worth fighting for. He then asked me what right I had to text her, I said I have every right, I am your wife, we are still legally married and you sleep in my bed. OK OK so i did text her and told her he was married and we were tryin to work on our marriage, i never heard from her and i checked his phone records and he hasnt talked to her since that day. Since that day, we were intimate 3 times, he still says he wants a sep and i have gotten him to agree to marriage counseling, we did a family day at a waer park which went amazingly perfect, except or that night when we went to dinner he dogged the day to his friend that we ran into. I asked him if he had a good family day, he said yes he was very happy with it, i said why did you make it like it was a horrible day then to your friends, he said he didnt know why he did that, he said that he was in a group and just did. i told him that hurt and i couldnt believe he did that. Monday comes and he is right back to wanting a sep and nothing is going to change. I know I hurt him when i initially told him i needed space, but he didnt give me much i can atest to that, he pushed the family time thing where he and my son did EVERYTHING with me - except go to the bathroom.

He says he loves e=me but isnt inlove with me - he wont move out, he sleeps in the same bed with me and is intimate, then this wont change anything, he says he goes back and forth - does he want to go doesnt he want to go. I have bent over backwards to be he wife he wanted, but nothing is working. He says he is still unsure and doesnt know what he wants. I told him that he is hurting me and tearing our my heart daily with alot of the rejection the throwing in my face THIS DOESNT CHANGE HOW I FEEL OR ANYTHING ELSE. He says I love you to my face, but refuses to say it on the phne, tells me to stop texting him or calling him, and making his favorite dinners.

I had a breakdown the other night and my son caught me - i was sbbing uncrontrollably and he says mommy whats wrong, i said nothing i am just going through something. He looked at me and just cried with me - burried his little head in my shoulder and cried.

Today my husband took our son to see his aunt for 2 weeks, my husband will fly home this tuesday. Our marriage counseling session in thursday - If the counsling session doesnt go well and he doesnt seem to want to work at it I was thinking of packing his bags and friday when he comes home from work, and telling him, go your free, this is what you wanted.

What is your take on this - is he serious about leaving? And if so, why is he staying and breaking my heart?
stuckinlimbo stuckinlimbo
36-40, F
8 Responses Jul 18, 2010

I hate to say this but you seem to be pushing the issue, me or the road, there seems to be know compromise position with you, pushing him out giving him all YOUR rules, jeez. It seems as if your driving him away, Trying to have it your way or the highway, sure didn't give counseling much of a chance, did the consular say it was all his fault thats what you have led us to believe. You seem so demanding, me , me , me. Thats just how I see it. I'm sure there is plenty of fault to go around on both sides, I'm sorry but cutting his balls off won't make him love you, you want him to love you but making love to you is just using you. Now thats confusing! Move out but live with your family BS, leave your balls here you won't need them, no nothing <br />
unless it falls with in my rules BS, making him live with his family is degrading and show you as the insecure B**** you are afraid he might just see what life with ut you might be like afraid he might meet some one that likes him for who he is. <br />
I am not a marriage counselor but I have been married for twenty six years and not all blissful, we have had all manner of problems and worked through them because we love and respect each other as individuals and not the perfect image of husband a wife, I married her for who she was and not a piece of clay I could mold into some image of what a wife should be. Okay I said my peace good luck to you I hope you work things out for the sake of the child, and you and your husbands happiness just remember he is not a pawn in you life. Lighten up Rome was not built in a day.

Ok sooo he has decided he will do more of the counceling He is going to move out. I laid ground rules. I told him there's no outside interests he is not allowed to date he is not allowed to have sex with anyone and same goes for me. I told him friends family coworkers are not to be involved and he needs to communicate with meThe counselor told him that he has been being disrespectful to me with no calls not checking in and staying out - She said that we emotionally separate along time ago and were the ones who can bring it back If we want toHe still thinks he needs to go, i dont want him to, so I told him that he can only stay wth family he can not get his own place not enter into any type of lease or anything. I told him this is not to be single. Its a time to reflect on what he really wantsSo last night he decided he wanted sex , I said you can't do this. I said you need to look at what your doing to me. Its either you want to be with me or you don't. You can't have sex with me if your leaving me and don't want to work at it. You cant have your cake and eat it too. I said look at ne. You have sex with me giving me hope and then you treat me like dirt until we have sex again. I said your making me an emotional wreck, I said its either u love me and open your heart to me or you don't, You can't have it both waysHe agreed

sounds like a real familiar story just a little opp. its hard not knowing what the other one is thinking or feeling especially with no communication. love is a hard thing but not being loved can hurt worse. i hope it works out for both of you but it seems his mind is made up.

Tonight is the first marriage counselling appointment - i Dont think I can handle much more of his coldness, uncaring, unloving attitude that i have been getting lately - <br />
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When he was in Georgia with my son, he barely had him call me, i didnt get any text messages, and waited until 9:45 at night to be able to talk to my son, I feel like he was using him as a tool to get to me. When he came home he was like - hi - gave me a kiss and hug, told them i missed them both - all i got was a did you? <br />
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Since, he hasnt really been home and hasnt spoken to me too much. I understand that when i pushed him away he was feeling the same way I am. I know I hurt him as he has done to me. I am praying that he will let go and make a decision one way or another. I really pray that he decides he wants to work on it - and we can stop this and start new

Give marriage counselling a chance. You both sound confused, hurt, and like you're having a hard time expressing your needs. If this sound true of both of you, there's all the reason you need to give counselling a chance - both of you give it a chance, by which I mean give more than just one session a chance!!<br />
Peace, and all the best!!

Michelle thank you. I will have a good life as soon as he can make his decision, and i will go on if he decides he doesnt want our family life, I will work on our marriage if he decides that he wants this too. Our first counceling session in tomorrow night - I made a huge list of topic that I know he will bring up, I am just uncertain of how this will go and what is expected from this counselor - I mean do you just jump into it? eachone taking turns telling thier side of the story? Im not sure how this is gonna work. <br />
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I did take advantage of he and my son leaving for Georgia on Sunday tho, I cleaned my entire house and even called a cleaning service to come in and do the follors for me - lol its one thing that i can never seem to muster up the energy for! I came home yesterday to a spotless dustfree home which smelled SOOOO good - The girl who came in re-arranged my kitchen cabinets for me and the hallway cabinets and the bathroom too - I was so happy - I texted her telling her that she was my hero :). <br />
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Over the last 3 days I have gotten rid of 19 bags of clothing, 10 bags of garbage that no one used in the past 2 years, got rid of a treadmill a recliner chair and other unnecessary items - I cleaned my bedroom from top to bottom, cleaned the loft (which i will be sleeping in as soon as he comes home tonight) - <br />
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and even my sons bedroom is spotless - i feel very accomplished and by Friday i will give him 1 week to decide if he wants to work on it with me - if not I will pack his belongings and tell him to leave until he decides what he wants to do and i will see what happens from there. <br />
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But aleast I got a start on getting most of the garbage out of my life :)

Your story sounds much like mine - only from my wife's point of view. Excellent advice from Ms. Foster. He's feeling trapped and your response is to smother him. I am sure you are reading too much into the times he's intimate with you. It doesn't mean the same thing to him that it does to you.

My darling,<br />
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I think you have to step back and put on a really brave and a really 'I'm getting on with life' face for this. Crying and acting like the perfect wife will not do you any favours here. this man is at the threashold of a mid-life crisis and he will ruin your mental health, as well as your sons mental health if you continue to allow him to treat you like this. he wants his cake and eat it, sleeping with you and living a single life. I actually don't think he will leave... he likes it that you're there doing all the things to make his life run smoothly such as cooking and cleaning and laundry, because i know you're doing everything you can for him. STOP. do only for yourself and your son. you move into the spare room but don't move out. Make late night phone calls so he can hear you laughing loud from your room... go out lots with friends, male and female and make some new ones. plan a holiday and tell yourself that you are a beautiful woman with a fantastic body and mind and you will be ready to make your move. I can see you have a very happy life ahead of you, if you can do this x ps.. you are a beautiful woman x