Separated But Not EqualMy marriage of 14 years is coming to an end. I had seen the writing on the wall for the past 2 years but had tried everything I could to make things better between us. We had been friends for 8 years before we got married and that has carried through some of the toughest times. The past year, though, has been much more difficult.
One year ago, my wife had an affair with another married man. The nature of her job is to interact with large groups of people. She is a trainer for people who have been outplaced from their jobs. It was with one of her trainees that she developed this relationship that developed into something more than I ever dreamed she was capable of doing. I didn't discover this on my own. She had the courage to tell me, though I often wonder if she told me everything. She said she had arranged a meeting with him and they had kissed. She said she didn't let it go any farther, that she was too wracked with guilt over deceiving me.
I forgave her on the spot, hearing the entire story she wanted to tell. She had been falling out of love with me, because she felt as though we were drifting apart. Careers, children and greater responsibilites had taken too much time away from each other. I had thought, naively I suppose, that everything was okay. In my rush to forgive her and thank her for the courage she displayed in telling me, I had made a concerted effort to devote more attention to her, to mend our broken fences. She had wanted time apart, to give herself time to heal. Against her wishes, I had asked that we work thngs out together, hoping that being close would allow us to reconnect.
Sadly this was not the case and one year later, we are farther apart then ever. Often times, she blames my lack of attention towards her as the reason for her actions. I am hurt by this because on many occassions, I have been more than attentive. Just a month before the affair, we had a wonderful trip through wine country and had also seen one of our favorite bands in concert. While I always feel I could be more attentive, I certainly do not ignore her. I have always lover her and I always will.
Separation now is the only way to go. Too many negative feelings still persist and she has not been able to move on. Now, I feel like I have to. So hear I stand by myself, letting my best friend go. And for that I am extremely sad. I have to sell my house and find a new residence. I have to live on my own for the first time in a very long time and am looking for others who can offer advice on how to get through this initial stage. Its bad enough I have to go through it, but I must take into consideration the lives of my two daughters and the impact it will have on them.
Going foward, I know I will be okay. Reading the stories of others in this group will provide comfort and any comments or suggestions to my post would certainly be helpful. Thank you for taking the time to listen. And I hope what I say may be of help to someone else. That, even in these situations, its okay to forgive though we may never forget.