Separated and Confused

I have been married for 5 years now and have a 2 1/2 year old child.  My husband comes home one day and states that he "just needs to get out".  He leaves that night but comes back that evening and sleeps on the couch.  The next day I get the blow on how he's not sure what  he feels anymore and is totally confused and when I asked if he doesn't love me anymore I get "I don't know".  He says it's not you it's me... and he doesn't want to make a rush decision since he's not sure what it is he's feeling... he seems really confused and it's been like this for over a month now. 

In that month he hasn't really helped me with caring for our child as we both have a full-time job.  I've become a single mother even though he's still living in the house.  I finally came to a point that I cannot continue to live this way as it is unhealthy for me and my child.  I asked him to move out completely with no excuse to come back except to see his child... and that would have to be arranged ahead of time... meaning he can't come in and out of the house as he pleases. 

I'm confused on what's happening with him?  This whole thing came out of nowhere and even though I love him I'm startinig to resent him for how he's dealing with this situation... he's not talking it out with me... he goes out almost every night drinking or just handing out with friends... and has no interaction with his child.  When he is around to see his child he is energetic... but it only lasts for less than 30-40 minutes.  I don't know if he's doing this because he doesn't know how to tell me he doesn't love me anymore?  a mid life crisis?  not sure where he fits in this family anymore?  too many schedules because of our childs needs?  my neglectiton of his feelings because of my full attention to our child? so confused.   

WorkingHard WorkingHard
20 Responses Feb 3, 2008

I think you are doing the right thing.most men DON'T know how to talk to their partners when they are guilty of something they just rather avoid the problem,this is childish behavior.ask God for his guidance to stay strong.

Sorry to say this but it sounds like there is someone else in the picture. My experiance x2 unfortunately is no one does an absolute about face with their loved ones unless there is something going on. Hold that child tight! That will be your strength and inspiration and god bless

I am so glad I found this site. It is so nice to know that there are others out there going through this crap. My husband of 11 years announced last weekend he wasn't happy. Unfortunately he wasn't man enough to tell me first and went out and had an affair. He moved out and is "confused". Meanwhile I am left to pick up the pieces in the house and take care of things here. He says he is miserable and all I can think of is good! I know time will heal but right now to protect myself, I have set up boundaries and the first one was he cannot come to the house unless he asks me. I am now paying all the bills so it is my house. I am thankful he wants to be in our son's (5 yrs) life, but at the same time he wants him all the time. No I don't think so. You can't have your cake and eat it too!

I appreciate your perspective, especially the part where you think "Good!" to his misery :) Just what I needed to read!

You go girl!!! Continue to stay strong I know it's hard especially when you have children.

I think he just wants to be like his friends maybe... I know this must hurts to hear and I might be wrong but I think he is seeing someone else. Either way if you have been married for that long and have his child you deserve better than that. You are right to tell him to leave if he really wanted to work it out he would consider counciling. You are not a doormat, he needs to respect you as his wife and quit fooling around go if he wants to or work it out. I wish u the best.

What can i say. its amazing how many people going the same situation as i do. I am married for 8 years and now that i was ready to move on and have a child my husband wants a divorce. The situation seems straitforward but i did many sacrificies for this relationship to work, i left my country (Greece) i compromised my habbits because of the difference of religions ( i am christian and he is muslim) and so on. English is my second language . Anyway a relationship needs to people to work both. i quess i was the only one making compromises. He wanted a child at the begging of the marriage but i wasnt sure that time. Probably my biological clock rang and not the fulfillment of the relationship. I am 38 years old and i think the times up... Anyway thanks for your time.

Monchy, first of all you are NOT stupid! Your story was very real, and honest, and my goodness, sweetheart the only language I am 100% fluent in is English. Your English was fine :-) . I could feel your hurt and your pain, and so very sorry that he played all of those games with your heart as well as your mind. My husband, was very secretive when it came to his "friend". I started to get very uncomfortable and hurt and insecure with myself. Its very unfortunet that this happens to wonderful people, but we try so hard to carry our vows and obligations of partners, and then we realize that the other half is going behind our back and lieing to us.

i feel your pain. i see the similarities in my own life and it doesnt help that you feel theres no way out. i feel this way also. and i hope that you find the happiness we all seek. we deserve to be happy even if others think we dont

hi was with my ex for nine years and married for six months before he cheated i ended the marriage,and moved out three months later as i couldn't be in the same property as him,there was violence in the relationship but i put up with it cause i didn't want to lose my house or upset my stepdaughters life,so here i am moved out with family in process of divorce but getting nowhere as he has the house and doesn't respond to the solicitors so i'm effectively homeless whilst he sits pretty,we are attending mediation next week to try to come to some arrangement on settlement,theres not much equity in the house and he cannot get my name off the mortgage til september in the meantime i'm paying a loan for items built on the house so am unable to rent, any advice would be gratefully received

hi was with my ex for nine years and married for six months before he cheated i ended the marriage,and moved out three months later as i couldn't be in the same property as him,there was violence in the relationship but i put up with it cause i didn't want to lose my house or upset my stepdaughters life,so here i am moved out with family in process of divorce but getting nowhere as he has the house and doesn't respond to the solicitors so i'm effectively homeless whilst he sits pretty,we are attending mediation next week to try to come to some arrangement on settlement,theres not much equity in the house and he cannot get my name off the mortgage til september in the meantime i'm paying a loan for items built on the house so am unable to rent, any advice would be gratefully received

I feel all of your pain. I was married for 16 years, together for 22, and he told me he did not love me any more and basically that was that. He moved out, tried to come back for a couple of months and then left again, only to tell me a month later that he was moving a "girl" into his apartment, (which she was - only 28, he was 42!). The pain, humiliation and the feeling of utter loss was almost unbearable. I have two beautiful teenage children and knew I just had to be strong for them. I went to a dark horrible place that I never want to go to again, ever! It's been 3 years now, and I am stronger, happier than I have ever been for years and loving life for all it has to offer. I am still single and love my independence. My children are as happy as they could be. My story is just a little bit of hope to everyone just going through the separation process or finding themselves in the "dark hole" There is another beautiful life just waiting for everyone, just take the leap and remove all the negative things in your life. It might be a hard journey to begin with, but believe me, do it!! You will thank yourselves in the long run. Life is so short and to be unhappy is just not worth it. <br />
Go for it, succeed, (because you know you can), and be happy. Good luck to you all in your journey of happiness and peace. :)

THANKS,I needed a little hope today(.smiling)

Wow it's shocking to see so many people going through the same thing. I am too on a trial seperation. My husband and I have had our share of problems and I thought with time we would work together and resolved them but it seems that it's only gotten worse instead of getting better. It's been a month and it seems like we're not getting anywhere or solving anything. We have two little boys together but it seems like I'm stuck with raising them by myself. Because of this I have become stronger more focused and I know that life goes on with or without him I have two little boys that I must take care of and raise if he wants to be in the picture he will be if not oh well there's nothing I can do but when those two little kids grow up they're going to be the ones to judge him not me. So my advice to anyone that is going through this is that if you went above and beyond to try to figure out or help, resolve any problems with your marriage and your spouse has not been there there's really nothing you can and you cannot force anybody to change. Go out get a new hobby, talk to friends if you have kids that alone should be your motivation to continue and do what is best for you and your kids. It takes time but time heals everything.

I've read alot of posts on here all of which i can relate to I'm not a good talker or good with words but here goes.All i know is i have never been so sad so low don't know how to get over my partener telling me that she does't love me ,we have two beautiful daughters 5 and 3 and I don't know if thats why I.m so sad about it. I know I love my partener but it's not been good really for two years now but I cant seem to let go in my opinion it takes time to love someone so it must take time to fall out of love surely it cant happen overnight can it??

hi, my husband of 8yrs. married, & almost 15 total said he wanted a divorce. We have had some prob. and I thought we could work them out. We tried for 2 wks. but he just wasn't feeling it. He said he needs to see if he can be on his own cuz he never has been on his own.:0( So I went to be with my folks to give him his space hoping the other will never happen!!!! Its only been 2 1/2 wks. but seems longer and no change yet. What do ya do. I want this to work sssooooooo bad and im not sure he will?????????? Thanks for listening..................prayin wife

I am a hsuband and after (2) years of her complaining and how empty and unhappy she is and how she just wishes she could get away for a month and be by herself. Well 2 weeks ago i found she had a online romance. Well this pushed me over the edge and i left thinking this is what she wanted all along adn took the final step to push me out. Well the funny thing is i feel relief and really i am ready to move on. Her on the other hand text's me all night long send me pictures and the 2 times we spoke begged ofr forgivness. What i want to do is take some time and find me before i make any decisions but she is pressing me. She told me today she feels in her heart of hearts that i will meet someone rather quickly and move on. Maybe who knows.

What i am trying to say is never think you know whats in some one elses mind give hime space if he doesn't come back then i guess it meant to be. This is what i told my wife today...

Any way good luck

Roger1, I know your pain. I have had to endure 9 years of many needs not being met and a partner oblivious to most of the things I had asked in the relationship. We married last year, and 6 months later, I saw another women who had given me attention and her time to listen. That is pretty much what I wanted to have, someone that would listen and not criticize me for every single thing. This is what had happened to me for 9years, my wifes intention in her heart I want to believe was pure, she just did not know how to have patience with me and time things together without getting frustrated. She has complained to every single person we know about her unhappiness for 8 years or so. It makes me think what on earth did she want from me if she had to complain to everyone around me all the time. It was and is offensive to me. What I can honestly say is, sit her down, tell her your feelings, and leave her if she dies not want to continue, yes, we all make mistakes, yes we can all grow to become better in our selves and in our relationships. But it is two sided and a lifetime thing. Take care. Trent

I am going trough something very similar, As a matter of fact i went trough it a few times and it hurt every time. I have been left many times by my wife, the last time i just did't try to be with her anymore, the pain of being abandoned was just to much for me to handle,Every time she left it always seemed to be someone else involved. I noticed the changes in her, the computer, cell phone secrecy and many things i noticed from other times she had left. I am in no way a perfect man, but I have tried to be a good person as well as a good husband even though i know that a lot of my needs were not meet by my ex, i know that i would have never left her. I am so hurt by everything that has been going on this 2 last years.

Monch and TK - <br />
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I am so sorry for both of you, I too am going through a sep process in a way, my husband said he wants out 1 week after our 10 year wedding anniversary, I found him talking to another woman, and I think your husbands have met someone and there could be an outside interest, check thier phone records call them out on it, call all of the numbers that you dont know.

I am kind of going through the same thing, I have been married 5 years with my husband for 10 years I have a 13year old and we have a 4 1/2 year old, he had been acting really different for the past few months, doesnt want to be around me, and not even sexually, he was always gone working or out with his friends, finally I asked him if he wanted to be here and he said no not really, I asked him if he still loved me and he said no, he doesnt know what he wants, he started drinking more, and going to his cousins house who he also works with drinking all the time, what I dont understand is how can someone wake up one morning and say they dont love you anymore when they just did 2 weeks ago, he said he is confused, he feels like he is 18 again because he doesnt know what he wants out of life and he doesnt know fi he will ever want me back, I packed my things I am slleeping sup stairs with my daughter because I dont have the money to get a place right now, and when I am here he is usally gone, so confused and dont know what to do, he tells me there is noone else he just dont know what to do

Hi, I'm going through some thing similar as well. I noticed these this with my husband. and I'm confused cause he didn't tell me that he wasn't in love with me and didn't want to be with me. right up until he left. He made it seems like he was going home cause he was home sick and then I found out from others that he felt this way and I'm so upset cause I think I deserve the truth but he wont just be honest with me, and keeps on stringing me along leading me to believe he wants to work things out but is not planning on coming back to me. and i want to believe that he is just overwhelmed but I just don't know the truth...

yeah my wife done that woke up and told me she wasn't inlove with me anymore at the end i founf out she was cytbering a ex bf and she told me to leave i'm trying to save for a place myself now

Hi, first thing my english isn't that great it's my second language. I am here to relate with other people in my situation. I am sorry to hear all this stories. It is a real heart breaking part of life. <br />
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I am a stay at home mom for 12 years with 2 beautiful boys 11 and 4. My husband whom I though was happy with me as I felt with him ,now surprised me. About a week after my birthday on February 24,2008, my 35th birthday. He snap, and told me so many very heart breaking things, I felt so lose, every where I go I cried I felt lonely no family here all my dreams, my hope my love my men my shoulder my life came down just down so easy. He said, he doesn't know how to change his feelings, he said he wants to separate, he said he is confuse, he said, he used to love me so much and from one day to the next he found himself with no love for me, maybe there is some love he said, but not the way you wanted it or the way it used to be. He feel that we remain married because for obligation because the promises we made at church and he doesn't want to be married because of that promised, or obligation, and I agree with that, responsability is one thing but obligation, no. He said he wants to love me but with no obligation, that confused me. At the same time he said, he wants to be alone. We still live together trying not fight for the children sake. But, to be a stay home mom this kills me, I want to work I need to study I need to takecare of my own self now and I just don't know how to start. I feel confuse becuase he still, hugs me, kiss me, he comes to my bed sometimes and when we have intimacy I feel that he loves me still, but when we are outside, he kind of ignores me, so I am away from him, I feel like respecting his time but that hurts, we never were like that, always we used to be together smiling holding hands but now, this is how we live, what can I think of this? he doesn't leave the house because he doesn't have a place to go and also because he is afraid that when he change his mind it maybe to late to have me back. Please tell me what you think and do not make fun of me, I don't see spanish group of this kind and I really need to speak out, this is so painful and I hate myself because I am a very sensitive person, I hate to have to keep living like this.<br />
Thank you, kindly,<br />
<br />

I'm wondering if the separation affected your child? I've been married for almost 4 years and my son is gonna be 3 in october. My husband dont want to get out the house, he told me if I wanted to separate I should be looking for a place to live. I cant afford it of course, and dont want my child to suffer. I'm still living with him because of my son.

I feel you entirely. I am going through something very similar. After 5 years of marraige and 13 years together, I found out that my husband is seeing his ex-girlfriend from high school. She completely destroyed me the first time around and now, after 10 years, she is back in my life. I can't let my husband go even though I know he has a relationship with her.<br />
I know I am in denial but denial is the only thing that is getting me by. I'm sure many people are telling you to move on, but I know it's not that easy. They don't feel the loss that we are going through., I don't know about you but I feel like my husband died and now I'm leaving with an imposteur. Sometimes I see glimmers of my husband but other times it feels like he is just watching the clock to leave again. I hope time brings you strength and self-worth again. WE both deserve to be just takes more then I can bear right now.