Confused, Hurt And Messed Up!!!

Its been nearly a year that I separated from my husband. It was very difficult and very painful, I had to use all the strength I had in me to end it but it was for the best.

Living in a toxic relationship is not a healthy way to go and when children are involved it is even harder.

I have tried so hard to cope with all the pain and loneliness but I have been so deeply wounded that even now that only the scars remain, I feel empty and totally lost!!!!

I have kept my distance and tried to be civil for the sake of our son, it is the hardest thing to do but you do it to ensure that your child is spared as much pain as possible.

Lately, we have been able to do a few things together so our son can see that things are o.k even though daddy and mummy do not live in the same house.

In the beginning it was o.k and it made me feel so happy to see my sons eyes light up when all three of us were together even if it was for a couple of hours a week.

Now that  Xmas is around the corner I feel like ****.

I have a good relationship with my ex husbands family. I have no one here and am totally alone so they have invited me over for Xmas. They insists that I am still part of the family even though we are separated.

I don't want to go, it is too much for me and they will not take no for an answer. Even my ex insists I go as it is better than spending that day alone.

I am so messed up because there is a part of me that does want to go because I would love to be with my son Xmas day but then there is a part of me that doesn't want to go because I am not with my ex and I don't want to go to an event where all of the relatives will be when we are not together. I am not ready for that as yet and they do not understand.

I don't want to go but I don't want to offend my husbands family as they are the only support group I have here.

I am so messed up and even though Xmas is meant to be a happy time it is pure pain and misery for me!!!!
Wiltingflower Wiltingflower
46-50, F
4 Responses Dec 13, 2011

Completely understand your side of the story but when you are saying that you dont have anyone there and your husband and his family are good to you so why would you want to mess it. Now that you have seprated off from him why are you worrying about other thing i know it must be disturbing for you but its very much important that relations end amicably and you stay with your son if at any point of time you need any help for your son they would be the ones who would help you out. so i would suggest that keep in touch with them and do attend the function.

I understand what you are saying and that is what a part of me is thinking. However, I was in an emotional abusive relationship with my ex..He changes like the wind...One minute he is nice and sweet and it is as if there is nothing wrong. Other times he doesn't even acknowledge me and makes me feel awkward. He is hot and cold and it just opens old wounds. I also have to think of my son and do not want to get into the habit where he expects us to always be together, at family functions. I am aiming to eventually be able to have a relationship that is amicable with my ex but I need to take it slow as I have to be careful I do not get caught up in the web he likes to spin....that is how I got into the mess in the first place...I would give an inch he would take miles and miles. It is so hard to make these decisions as it was easier when we were together, I knew where I needed to be. Now it is different and I feel like **** because he is trying to control me and if I do not hold tight onto the reigns he will stuff me up again as always. Like I said it is one big giant mess..If you have a read of my stories you will get a better insight of what he put me through.

I have read the other stories which you have posted and it must have been really difficult for you to handle this all alone but the fact is that you have to face this. If you think that your husband is still controlling your life stop giving him that control your child cannot be the excuse for this. I do understand its really difficult for that small boy to understand this but you are seperated and you have to make you boy adjust to this situation. There are small kids in this world who are born and bought up without their father and they develop into a very strong personalities now that he is 4 and if you feel that he is lonely you can involve him in some activities or the other and keep him busy. Buy a child psychology book or talk to a councellor and check with him how can you make you son understand this and believe me that is not required coz when your son will grow with you he will understand what his mother is going through. At this point of time you cannot break all connections with your in laws as they are good to you and most important of all you don' have anyone there so it is necessary that you be in touch with them and once your son goes to school or you involve him in some painting, singing, sport or any other things then start cutting off from them. Now more that anyone else you need them for support coz if you need help they would be the one's who can offer you that. For your life long you are not going to be alone you will find someone and that would be the time when you can claim your son and when probably your situation would improve. I know its really difficult for you but you have to bear with it for some more time and about those family functions attend those as if you are going to a friends place and behave like an outsider its not mandatory that you attend all of them attend few ignore few say you are not keeping well or any other reason. If you dont want to attend christmas function leave that place without intimating for 2-3 days go to your parents place for the celebration. Once you are gone no one can say anything to you or on 25th spend half a day with your son and walk in late in that family function just to make them understand that you can make your son happy and you have taken his responsibility on your own and you are independent enough to manage this.

I agree! In my situation, I get along greatly with my wife's family. But since she is seemingly catching her fair share of grief from them over our separation and impending divorce, I just choose to spare her any added embarrassment by not coming around on Christmas. Unlike you, I am most fortunate to have my sons with me from my previous marriage and that, in and of itself, is a major consolation. Your position, I'm afraid, is not a very enviable one. At least try to get some quality time alone with your son on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. But if he can't be with you, then try to make it a point to attend Church there in your area. If there is no family or friends to spend quality time with, then caring Christians would be most happy to have you with them, no matter what your circumstances are. Best of luck to you and may our Lord and Savior truly bless you! I wish you well!

I think if I was in your shoes I would not go to the in-laws. It would make me feel like I am there only to help the family get my and my separated spouse back to together. It took a lot of strength and courage to leave, this would only make that decision even more difficult. I would spend the day with my child and avoid the in laws even though they are nice folks.

Your feelings are natural. I do not know a lot about your situation. However, given the difficult choices you face, I suggest that you follow what your heart says. Forget about what your mind is telling you. Sometimes, we all face situations where it is so difficult to make a decision. This way, you may feel better. Good luck.

Thank you for your comment Capric.