Separated & HurtingUPDATE: Since I first wrote this story, much has changed! I now enjoy a complete sense of freedom from a strangulating trap to a new open place of opportunity to explore new fulfilling and rewarding relationships. As I reflect back, it amazes me to think of the deep dispair that I once experienced... Phew!
My wife and I have been separated for 3 months now. We have been married 21 years and have 5 great children - 23, 20, 18, 17 and 14. I have been asking God to help me to love her to win her heart back. She has stated that she wants an amicable divorce through a mediator, and that crushes my spirit and breaks my heart for my children's future.
My wife has been through several turbulent relationships in her life...divorced once before after 5 years, had an affair with another man, then later lived with a man and had a child (daughter) out of wedlock. Within weeks of leaving that man, her mother introduced us, and I eventually married her when our now oldest daughter was 2 years old. I adopted her/our daughter, as her biological father was vacant from her life. I felt very sympathetic toward her emotional scars, and felt like I could help her heal through them.
We've been married for 21 years and have had four more children together. She has expressed hurt for feeling as though her parents loved her younger brother more than her, but yet seemed close to her parents – particularly her mother. I have had an extremely hard time getting close to her emotionally, and became somewhat accustomed to the fact that that was the way it was going to be, but was never satisfied with that... I always wished that she would see my love for her and express appreciation of me, but never would.
She has been extremely insecure with me toward other women from our very beginning dating days. If she saw an attractive woman when I was near by either on TV, highway billboards or in person has resulted in major explosions – when I’ve not even acknowledged their existence… in fact I would look down or away…very scary for me. As much as I tried to help soothe those insecure feelings with my sincere love and adoration for her, nothing ever seemed to change. That was always very frightening for me.
I pray that God will intervene in her heart to bring emotional healing from her past, and ultimately healing in our marriage relationship and family. Our 5 children are true blessings, and God has protected them from straying away into dangerous behaviors thus far. I know that emotionally this has been a deeply hurtful and scary time for them...one of mixed emotions of fear and anger. I haven't been a perfect husband, and in fact have had bouts of anger and depression from never feeling loved and appreciated by her, and in fact, often feeling inadequate for her.
The past fews weeks of separation have been insane.