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Separated & Hurting

UPDATE: Since I first wrote this story, much has changed! I now enjoy a complete sense of freedom from a strangulating trap to a new open place of opportunity to explore new fulfilling and rewarding relationships. As I reflect back, it amazes me to think of the deep dispair that I once experienced...  Phew!


Original Story:
My wife and I have been separated for 3 months now. We have been married 21 years and have 5 great children - 23, 20, 18, 17 and 14. I have been asking God to help me to love her to win her heart back. She has stated that she wants an amicable divorce through a mediator, and that crushes my spirit and breaks my heart for my children's future.

My wife has been through several turbulent relationships in her life...divorced once before after 5 years, had an affair with another man, then later lived with a man and had a child (daughter) out of wedlock. Within weeks of leaving that man, her mother introduced us, and I eventually married her when our now oldest daughter was 2 years old. I adopted her/our daughter, as her biological father was vacant from her life. I felt very sympathetic toward her emotional scars, and felt like I could help her heal through them.

We've been married for 21 years and have had four more children together. She has expressed hurt for feeling as though her parents loved her younger brother more than her, but yet seemed close to her parents – particularly her mother. I have had an extremely hard time getting close to her emotionally, and became somewhat accustomed to the fact that that was the way it was going to be, but was never satisfied with that... I always wished that she would see my love for her and express appreciation of me, but never would.

She has been extremely insecure with me toward other women from our very beginning dating days. If she saw an attractive woman when I was near by either on TV, highway billboards or in person has resulted in major explosions – when I’ve not even acknowledged their existence… in fact I would look down or away…very scary for me. As much as I tried to help soothe those insecure feelings with my sincere love and adoration for her, nothing ever seemed to change. That was always very frightening for me.

I pray that God will intervene in her heart to bring emotional healing from her past, and ultimately healing in our marriage relationship and family. Our 5 children are true blessings, and God has protected them from straying away into dangerous behaviors thus far. I know that emotionally this has been a deeply hurtful and scary time for them...one of mixed emotions of fear and anger. I haven't been a perfect husband, and in fact have had bouts of anger and depression from never feeling loved and appreciated by her, and in fact, often feeling inadequate for her.

The past fews weeks of separation have been insane.
Passionateheartman Passionateheartman 46-50, M 13 Responses Feb 12, 2012

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Ohh yes you are confirming that time really heals!! I wish all the best for you!

Time and the nourishing love of friends restores the soul. Thank you. Sounds like you speak from experience too. ??

It sound like my life

Kind of amazing how the weight lifts off your shoulders. I didn't even have any idea how unhappy I was until I was gone. Apparently it was obvious to everyone because people who I had not even told we were separated have asked me. Did you split up, you seem so happy now, etc. Stuck it out for 24 years but I am glad to finally be on my own. Good Luck to you!

I...much MUCH happier now! ...Yep, I kept going back for 21 years...mostly because I love my children so much, and felt guilty for the terror that it caused them... Now, the are MUCH happier. :)

As a child of divorce, I can remember how happy I was when my parents separated. Amazing isn't it. Kids aren't so stupid when it comes to what is going on between their parents - even when everybody makes their best efforts to hide it.

Thank you...likewise, I'm glad to know that you are finding yourself again too!

I was so excited to read your positive update! Hooray I know it was a tough year for you but at the same time always knew that you were a good man that deserved much more happiness in life!

Hey there stranger!! Yes, things are much better on that front. I've been very busy lately caring for my mom. She has continued to decline over the past few weeks, and I've been overwhelmed with overseeing many issues, many of which the nursing home has created...long story! Thanks for your encouragement...as usual. ~D

I hope you feel better after one year.. time seems to be the best "healer"....
I wish you all the best!

Yes, time has changed a lot of things...most notably my complete sense of freedom from a strangulating trap to new open place of opportunity to explore new fulfilling and rewarding relationships. Thanks so much for your encouragement.

God Is Bigger than Any Problem- and I honestly believe praying for our spouses can bring them healing. Hoping you and your wife had found a way to seek marriage counseling and resolve the issues which caused your separation. My life verse has enabled me to stay strong thru the pain of separation- Ps. 46:10 Be Still - And Know I am God

I was exactly the same as you except my wife's been hostile in divorce also. At my lowest I prayed and I met the girl of my dreams and though friends kept telling me god has a plan and times a healer I never thought I'd find someone as loving caring and beautiful as I have. If people can look past predudices like I do I found the Asian women of my dreams. They are the cultures that know how to look after men. You won't ever look back trust me as they trust in god too. Good luck my friend

I hope you have found peace in your life by now. I am sharing your situation now. Married 23 years with 3 children and my wife is divorcing me. I do believe God has a plan for all of us so be strong with your faith.

Things are better...not great, but better. Have faith and hold on to hope...it is the medicine that helps us to strive forward. Take one day at a time! reach out...this is a great site.

Anger like that is a form of control. You are in a better place without her in your life.

Thank you. I have come to a place where life is refreshing again...without the heavy burden of a daily emotional drain. I hope she is happy too...I hope our children grow up with peace and love.

That is a great way of thinking. Some never let go of anger towards their ex.

I have been separated from my husband for 2 months and it has been such a roller coaster ride. I have been praying and trying to lean on God for peace and wisdom but it has been very difficult. How did you get to the point of feeling better?

Hi Jogger, it was a very difficult ride for the first few months, but after connecting closely with friends, both here on EP and where I live, I began to realize that there is hope and life after a separation. Rejection took a toll on my self confidence, but I eventually came to realize that there was nothing I could do to help my wife…she needed to get help for herself. She still has not done that, and consequently has continued to stay adrift. My kids have stabilized. 2 more of them have since left home, because of not able to deal with the stress that she has created. It has been a blessing in disguise because I have been able to reconnect with them.

Stay the course – reach out to friends for support, take one day at a time, pray without ceasing - feel God’s presence with you…and exercise, exercise, exercise. Please feel free to drop me a line…I would be glad to come along side of you.

I will add you and your family to my prayer list ...I pray you find the love happiness in your lives

Thank you so much

I have been there as you! As you say the hurt will dissipate over time.. New life is right, after going through something traumatic, its best to seek God in reference to getting insight on ourselves. Sometimes we don't even realize that the minor things we do causes issues within ourselves and with others! I most certainly hope God mends your heart, her heart and your family! :)

Thank you Kailuvlia... I know that God is and will be the answer to healing... with me and to others that seek His power. At times it FEELS like I am alone, but I have to trust that He is with me and will provide my needs through the hurt and fear.

My advise is to work on yourself first. Learn to love yourself. She maybe having a midlife crisis, my husband is and let me tell you this is one hard road. Read some of the self help books, offer to go to therapy see what she says. She may already have found someone new in her life. You must take care of you, Good luck.

thank you newlife.. I am pretty certain that she has not found anyone else. She is way too emotionally unstable to do that. I have been going to counseling since we have been separated. I have had some success, but often have times of upheaval over fear of the future for our futures - wife, me and our children. Thank you again.