This Isn't What I Want At All...It finally came to a head last night, after the weeks of not talking I broke down crying and told my boyfriend I was in so much pain because we were so far apart. He was able to see my pain clearly enough that he finally started to talk, he took all the blame, though I can't agree with that myself. He said that he is selfish, and insensitive, and sometimes an *******. He told me that he knows it's him and this is why he has been so scared of marriage that we had to break off our engagement. He's certain that he would be an awful husband and that his criticisms and nit picking are destroying the happy person I was when we met. He told me that he's afraid he is just supposed to be alone because he does fine alone and if someone he considers an amazing, patient, gentle, loving, supportive, kind, and hard working partner isn't enough to keep him from acting the ways that he sometimes does. He cried and I cried and he told me that he sees the way he's breaking me and he's afraid he's becoming one more in a string of bad life events I need to overcome. That he's lost his enthusiasm and stopped really looking at me and he feels live a villain for hurting me in the ways that he has. He told me so many times last night and today that he loves me, deeply, and that it's his issues he thinks are killing us both.
I told him I want his happiness as badly as I want my own, though in this very moment I can't tell you if that's true or not. Though I suppose it is. I have told him over and over not to beat himself up, that he's as worthy of love, patience, and forgiveness as any of the people we works to help everyday. He does want to go to counseling which we both acknowledged openly may or may not make a difference in our relationship. We will probably separate until the counseling starts/begins to make it clear we should keep trying or give up. We do happen to live in a house that used to be a duplex so I will probably just move downstairs and close the door to make it into two apartments again. That will at least give me and my kids some stability while we sort this out.
I keep trying to be brave, my pain causes him pain, every time he sees tears on my face he breaks down. He is so afraid of breaking me and I want to save him from that pain.
I'm breaking down, I called in sick to work, how in the world can I keep moving forward I feel like I weight a million pounds. I feel like I'm drowning and I feel like I can feel myself dieing. I know that this is a season, a stage, something to push through but it is so suffocating. My fears are attacking me, fears of never having someone's love and commitment, not having anyone to give all my love to, I have so much to give. Not finding someone to share my adventures with. Losing this man that I really believed in and had so much certainty was the best partner for me in the world. I feel crushed and I feel destroyed... I will go on but I feel so hopeless today.
Still trying to get in for a couples appointment, waiting for a call from scheduling. My hope is that with so much love if he is willing to work as hard as I am and have been and he is willing to see and work on his faults that we will find a way through this and be stronger for it. I just wish my hope was a little bigger and stronger and not crying so hard today...