Omg!! I Cannot Believe What Just Happened!!!

It's been 14 months now that I have been separated. I have struggled so hard to pull myself back together again and raise my little boy on my own. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for sometime now regarding my ex husband and how I felt about him there has been a large cocktail of emotions that   I have been battling with and trying so damn hard to severe the connection and emotional pull that he had over me.

For the past month I thought that I finally achieved it, I thought that I am finally on the road to recovery, I thought that there is nothing that he can do any more that would get to me until tonight!

When we separated he did not fight for his family he just turned his back and walked away, leaving me with so many unanswered questioned and making me feel so abandoned and used like an old pair of jocks he just tossed everything we had for 9 years aside!

All the emotional neglect, all the deceit, all the lies, the affairs, the abuse, the constant pressure to join a swingers club, the inconsiderate way he used to talk about sharing me with other men and woman really did my head in.

After 14 months while talking to him on the phone arranging a time for him to drop off our son we get into a conversation about us. He starts to tell me that even though he did what he did with other woman and phone chat lines he still loves me but wait for the best part!!!!!

In shock I sat on the phone silently listening to him and what bowled me over was that he started to say that he now knows that he cannot be in a monogamous relationship, he likes to swing with other married couples or singles, he does not like to be restricted as it is like keeping a wild animal in a cage....BUT...even though that is what he is like he still loves me and he wants me to consider getting back together again with the agreement that he likes to be open with our sexuality and that he would like me to join him in a life of swinging.

He then continued on about how he is working hard and there is an opportunity for him to make a lot of money and basically that he wants me in his life so we can be a family but under the conditions that he works long hours and does not get hassled and we become a swingers couple....

I left the best part till I sat there silently taking all this in, my head was spinning and my ears could not believe what they were hearing..he then continued on saying that he would contact the guy I had gone to see last week for mediation so we can settle our property and child concerns, and tell him that he would like to delay our meeting for 3 months so I can think about what he has just slapped into my face.

OMG!!!! What planet is this guy certainly is not Earth!!!

All I ever wanted was a partner to share my life with, have a family with and grow old together.
A relationship for me was a sacred thing that I valued and respected. I don't know how swingers can do what they do and still be in a loving relationship and maybe some can but, they needs to be a very deep level of trust and understanding and respect for one another which I had lost in him for quite some time!!!

I told him straight out NO...there is no way I could live a life like that and frankly I don't know if any woman would, unless they were also emotionally retarded, happy to have a hubby that was not around but brought in the dollars... My ex's moto was Work hard and play hard!!

I wish him luck in the life that he has chosen and there is no way even for the sake of my child that I could even consider agreeing to such a life.

I am a very loving person who needs emotional security, I am loyal and would never consider deceiving or hurting my partner. Trust is very important in my books and once that is gone ....well...that is one of the biggest foundations in a relationship, so how can it ever be rebuilt!!!

I can't believe that he also asked me to research the swingers scene and went on about how huge it is....

I could not care less if it was as big as the Universe and then some.... I am not built that way and don't think I ever will be.

He then went on about how I need to get help with my anxiety issues because he does not believe that if I don't get that sorted I could not cope in the scene!!!

OMG!!!! Can someone please give me a gun!!!!!


My whole spiritual balance has just been warped out of shape again!!!

I feel like I have just walked in the front door and someone was waiting behind the door with a fish ( snapper) and just smashed me in the face!!!

If ever I needed a is tonight!!!!

This is too much...the nerve!!!!


Ok....I have calmed down now that I have vented all the crap that my poor brain had to absorb!!!

Thank you to all that take the time to read this....thanks EP for being here to let me get this crap off my chest...

I now can finally go to sleep....Good All....xxxxxoooooo
Wiltingflower Wiltingflower
46-50, F
17 Responses Mar 3, 2012

I wish I would have seen this about 11 years ago. My ex did the same thing to me, so not all men or women are the best fit, it seems. I found out about my ex-wife's infidelity and was absolutely floored. I just got back off of my feet in the last year or so and still have been a free moral agent waiting for the right woman that has morals and values left. I wish you the best when you are ready to begin your quest to find someone that will treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve.

Hi, what has happened since?

You are better off by yourself. Clearly, he had his head up in the clouds.

God, I go through the same emotions you did. Yes a joint does help a lot :) does my friend just hard to get..xx

I'll share :) lol

I would love too!

I think you are too far away Hun..xx

Sometimes sanity is hard to gain but with all these things, we should be thankful for not joining a bandwagon of crazy people whose trust & respect are more shattered than they are.

hi i feel for you in so many ways
while i read your letter so many of the thing that you say just remind me of my wife who want that life she did took me to an imfo session,i could not do it ....
but at the end she left me for something similar going to bar and picking guys...
what happen to love,comminment,trust,fidelity.and the rest that make a relantionship.
it hurts and i think only you understand me and what i feel.
but we have our integrety...
thank you for shaing

Ur welcome.

Wow sounded like you were going threw a bunch sweetheart. How are you doing now. I could write you a long letter but I will not. It sounds like your a woman who's heart and soul will only exept one person. There is nothing wrong with that. If you did join in and go to a swingers club your marriage would have ended up in a divorce. Your better off going down the road you did sweetheart. You are not the type that will allow someone else to touch you or the one your with and there is nothing wrong with that. do not beat yourself up over that. hugs Larry does NOT sound like the man you want to be with (from what you describe your self to be)

All I can say is WOW! What an idiot this guy is... And you are so right to follow your gut. I hope you are doing better!!

i am still trying to process this myself. I dont know about CAGED but he is most certainly an ANIMAL! I guess I am a creature of habit. If I find a "fruit" that I love and enjoy eating, I want just that "fruit". I want to be loyal to my "fruit". Good luck and stay sweet!

I know it's hard to moved on with him still around and asking some demands for his own sake, but you have the right to choose your own and mived on forward. Goodluck.

Wilting flower, I think you'll be just fine, your reaction is so healthy - he is the unhealthy one here and the further you distance yourself from him (emotionally, as obviously you have a child together so you will always be connected in that respect) the better.<br />
Also don't discount your plan for a healthy relationship and family, it may not be as you had originally planned, but you can have it once you can move on. Good luck

Hi wiltingflower,<br />
I am so sorry you have to endure what you're going through. I can't imagine what you're trying to deal with being blindsided by something and someone that doesn't even make sense. How do you understand or make sense of something so bizarre. Maybe you just have to draw a line and figure out how to move on and be happy. I don't pretend to have any answers for you. I just want you to know I think you're a strong, awesome, nurturing, woman. And I must say those are sexy attributes. <br />
You're going to come out on top because you're the good one who has normal expectations of your life and your ex has an empty life ahead of him devoid of substance. He's a selfish person on so many levels. He knew who he was and thought he could turn you into one as well. He walked away from a precious little boy for his own wants and desires and I can't forgive him for that. He dumped on everything you hold dear and still won't see he's the one with the problem. He is ethically and morally perverse and a true narcissist to think you need time to think about it. <br />
Sorry to voice my negative opinion of him. True or not you might not want to hear it from some stranger. <br />
I know you will find happiness but I hope you find it soon.

Sorry to hear you had to go through it but at least you started down the path to happiness. I'm on my path. I'm not sure how long it is or how bumpy it might get but I know my happiness is on this path and I'm going to stay on it until I find it. If you're still searching, I hope you have a short path to travel.

Thank you so much for kind words.

Thank you all for you supportive words. I am still in a state of shock that he even brought this up. I wish he could have just let our relationship fade away into the dark distance. I wish it did not hurt me as much ad it has and old wounds have now been reopened. It is so hard when children are involved, if it was only us I would not have to endure this. I would have cut my ties with him, packed my stuff and moved back to my home town close to my family.<br />
<br />
What gets me the most is that not once did he even stop to think or acknowledge, how his behaviour has affected me as a person. He went on telling me how he has been going to swinger clubs with girls that he has been seeing and that he likes all types of girls, thin girls big girls, asian girls, black girls...That he never had a problem with me putting on my weight.<br />
<br />
He carried on about some people are happy to eat an apple all their life but he can't be like that, he likes fruit salad....He might have a favourite fruit and it might be apple but he also likes to taste other fruit!!!! OMG!!! WTF!!!<br />
<br />
I don't know if it hurts because the father on my son has point blank told me and I have finally heard it with my ears that he is not one for monogamy and commitment or the fact that he knew what he was from day one and he lied to me all along and hurt me so deeply on so many levels and the fact that we can't be a family for my son's sake is because a huge part of him is so selfish and wants a swingers lifestyle.<br />
<br />
I know in my gut that a relationship for me is very sacred...the person I choose to have in my life needs to also have the same values. <br />
<br />
My heart is sooo torn up and my head is thumping...I feel so angry at myself for letting this get to me so badly..<br />
<br />
I am living a life that I swore I would never live, I always wanted a family and I use to see my friends and their parents separated and new how hard it was and the kids were the ones that paid the price so dearly.<br />
<br />
My heart bleeds for my little boy as he is starting to ask for his dad more as he gets older and they develop a bond...and I am the one that has to hear it all, and deal with it all. I watch his little precious eyes fill with tears when his dad drops him off and his little hand stretch out calling for him as he drives away!<br />
<br />
<br />
I know that I too have the right to be happy and have peace in my life. I also know that I will find it when the time is right.<br />
<br />
At the moment I am a vase that sat on a window ledge that has been knocked over by a fierce wind.<br />
<br />
There are so many pieces to put together but I will do it. <br />
<br />
In the end I may not be exactly the same vase that sat on the window sill. I will be covered with cracks and glue, but I know that they will be there to remind me of my journey so far and the lessons I have also learnt.

The hardest part about this story is the fact that u are struggling so much to let go, I say that in a way that people who haven't been thru those emotions will never be able to comprehend. Meaning...I understand the struggle! U want so much for him to figure out his issues and be "normal" again. U have a constant from friends who tell u to "get over it". When u have a heart that won't let go people think u are weak. U aren't weak..u have been with a controlling man and that's the hardest thing to walk away feels wrong not to do what he says. My friend, keep your chin up and keep walking...I understand your pain, but letting him back in will only damage u more. U are a valuable person who deserves respect.... and DO not cancil the drags on the pain and he's trying to buy time to make himself look better in the courts eyes. (I've been there too and I did not delay that meeting even though his words were very clever and believable...controlling men also have an amazing amount if "con man" mentality). Good luck..and keep going in the right direction. :)

WOW! I wish you all the luck in the world with your situation. You are OK. HE is the one that needs help. Please, you be careful though because control freaks don't like the word "NO".

Your ex sounds like a complete moron (I am sorry, but WTF?). He also sounds like he is in a midlife crisis of some kind. You would be shocked, but there are a lot of guys that do this. My ex was caught up in the drugs / drinking. He placed this before our family and left. I understand how hard it is. He wanted me to apologize and come back. I started doing destructive things and drinking when he left - I didn't want to deal with the thought of being single, almost forty and raising a child on my own. <br />
You are right. Your ex has no right to call your mediator and tell them to wait 3 months while you consider the options. Yeah! You get the option to have some grabby *** old men touch you all over while you watch him with other women??? *sigh* I am not sure why guys think like this. I've known couples who have done this, and BOTH partners want to do it - not just one. I have seen open relationships work, I have seen men cheating with multiple partners and their wives don't know (since each time they have sex it is with another woman they don't consider this cheating), and I have seen open relationships crash and burn - hard. <br />
<br />
Stick to your guns and trust your gut. You look after YOU and your child. Good look. Keep posting. I would love to know how this works out. I bet he will be back begging for you to be the only one in his life within three - five years. Telling you how sorry he is, blah blah blah.

A Selfish and Stupid Guy! Well, at least, you know that he will never get it.