I Never Would Have Known

My wife and i have been together for 23 years and 2 weeks ago she broke down and asked me for a divorce. We were not talking much and sex was a thing of the past. We had drifted so far apart that anything that was said seemed to be a personal attack on her.

After she told me something inside woke up and i have been trying to put the pieces back together and save our marriage. She tells me she needs some time and wants me to move out for a little while. I love her very much and have opened myself up to her, something i haven't been able to do for a long time.

My life is in a tailspin and i don't know what end is up, when i have to leave her and the kids I'm not sure how i will be able to handle it. I'm sure i will, its not the being out that bothers me its the not going back that is tearing me apart.

As we talk more and more she tells me she is confused at how i have been acting but still needs the time to think. i know its not all my fault but i cant help but think, if i did, said, did, acted, touched a little more we would not be were we are at. i want to hang on because she is the only one i have ever loved and do not want to loose her over something that we could work out. I'm so confused and hurt but i try to keep my head and hopes up.

ataglance ataglance
41-45, M
6 Responses May 8, 2008

I am in a very similar place. It is the not knowing that is the hardest, I think.

well my situation is much like yours except I left my husband, it was a mutual agreement but he now says I planned and decided it all on my own, he somehow has forgotten all of our discussions and decision making before I left. I am slowly dying inside I cry everyday ... when we talk on the phone I cry, my heart is heavy I miss my children (three grown boys) none of whom have been to see me yet at my new place, its been almost 4 months now. I do call them and we all text each other but its not the same. I am lonely all the time. He says he still loves me and we have started to go to counselling so I do truly hope that works. How we got here I don't know....yet

I see you wrote this several years ago. <br />
I'm interested in how it worked out for you. <br />
<br />
I'm in exactly the same shoes right now that your wife was in back then. <br />
I'm curious as to how you ultimatly reacted and how she responded.

My husband walked out on our 28 year marriage. He wanted a separation but I knew once he walked out the door, it was all over. 2 years later, I'm still alone and hurting just as much as the day he left. If you think your marriage is salvageable, get help. Your wife has thought about this decision for sometime, before asking you for the divorce. I truly wish you well.

why do you think it took you so long to discover how you felt about her? I've beentrying for 8 years of our 10 year marriage to get my husband to care about my feelings. i'm separated now too and he says he loves me, but we've been there done that, and he gets better for a while then he gets worse than before. Are you just afraid to break a bad habit called marriage?

Hello,<br />
<br />
I went through a similar situation ten years ago. I can appreciate you being shell-shocked. At the beginning I was completely confused, Trying to cling to her. The more I tried the more she was pushing me away. She was not interested in counsellings or any other attempt to reconnect.<br />
<br />
I could not take living under the same roof anymore. I have moved out. It was tough at the beginning, but then the pain started to ease. In time, things calmed down. We started talking again and got back together.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, we have never resolved our original problems. We just pushed them under the carpet and pretended that everything is OK. After getting together we SHOULD HAVE gone to the marriage counseling. We managed to stay together until now, slowly drifting apart.<br />
<br />
Now we are back to where we have been 10 years ago. My wife had found her high school flame and felled in love with him. It may or may not last. This is not really relevant. What is relevant is that she needed emotional fulfillment she was not getting in our marriage. We are on the verge of separation now. I don't think we will make it this time.<br />
<br />
1) My advice to you is to try to let go of her and concentrate on yourself. Pamper yourself, do something interesting, different then usual. This will give you confidence and may make you more attractive in your wife's eyes. This advice is much easier to give then to implement. I am struggling myself. Hurting like hell.<br />
<br />
2) If she decides to get back together with you, go to marriage counseling and deal with your issues. Do not just hope that everything will be fine - it will not.<br />
<br />
3) If she does not want to be back, then number one above will help you cope and put your life together.<br />
<br />
One is for sure, no matter what you do it will hurt. Prepare yourself.<br />
<br />
Good luck