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Confused

I just recently left my husband of 5 years.  We have one child (5yr) old together and 2 from a previous marriage.  We had to move to FL...due to jobs and bad choices w/ our money- we had to make a choice to move in w/ his family or my family. We chose FL because he found a job there, which we needed really bad.   When we chose where we were going to start fresh, we made that decision together and w/ an open mind.  He acted excited, but I mourned the loss of my home and comfort.  Once we were there, things didn't go quite as expected.  We lived in 4 different places w/in 7 months.  I never knew what was going to happen next.  The most positive person through the entire situation, was my 5yr old son.  The stress proved to be too much. 

We were both blessed w/ a job, but it wasn't enough for me.  I always found a reason to be unhappy- I didn't want to be there.  With drug addiction creeping behind us, we both fell into a full fledged drug binge for 4 months.  I ended up quiting my job, I worked for the same company that he did.  I knew that quiting my job was the wrong thing, but I did it anyway.  We still functioned, showed up for work- did what we had to do to get by.  It was tearing us apart, all of our money was going to the dealer before we even realized it.  I didn't want to stop it, because I knew that if he was abusive one more time that I would hold my promise to leave him.  And I did.  I have been abused by him for 8 years.  When my husband drinks, he becomes someone that wants to destroy me.  Only me.  He knows that he can not drink, due to his violence...and we had went through this many years.  I have been asking myself for many years, why doesn't he love me enough to stop?  Why does he target me when he drinks?  What am I doing wrong?  When I accept reality, I know that it doesn't have anything to do w/ me...it is his choice, but if he knows what can happen- I still ask myself why.  Even though the abuse happened when he was drunk or high, doesn't minimize it for me.  If I allow myself to go back to those moments, I can relive every detail of what happened.  I feel that he doesn't have true remorse for what he has done to me.  The night before I left him, when he abused me...he is still justifying why he poured an entire bottle of bleach on my head and shoved me down into the shower.  I was corned in the bathroom & I asked him to go away and leave me alone, but he wouldn't.  I took the clorox bottle and squirted him- in hopes that he would back off.  I was scared for my life, my son was 1 room away.  When I squirted him, he took the lid off and doused me and belittled me by rubbing a towel in my face out of anger.  My son woke up screaming and crying.  He ran to my son and tried to calm him down.  I had to run to the shower because I inhaled bleach, it was in my eyes & all over my body.  All of this because I wouldn't give him the keys to the car. Before he covered my body in bleach, he had thrown me to the ground several times.  To this day, he says that he didn't and that all of this happened because of car keys.  But really, all of this happened because he threw a fit over not getting a set of car keys.  Crazy to me, because he wasn't even drunk this time. 

Now that we are separated, he is going to NA meetings and trying to change his life.  He has completely distanced his self from me.  Almost as if I dont deserve him.  He hasn't mourned for his children that are now in 2 different states...he doesn't mourn for me.  I am fighting the urges to get high, so I can escape reality for a moment.  I have a child that I have to be strong for.  I feel resentment towards him because he doesn't have any responsibilty to his children other than child support.  He says that he is focused on getting him straight, but I feel so left out at the same time.  He says he wants to be together, and that we will be one day...but he is in no rush.  I want him to understand that he is minamizing the stress that I am going through, all he will tell me to do is to get help- meaning he wants me to go to NA meetings.  I want help, but I dont trust easily.  I dont like sharing my story, or being the center of attention.  This is the first time that I have actually opened up.  So there it is.
alleyhoney alleyhoney 31-35 1 Response May 15, 2012

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I have no idea of what to say here, except good luck.<br />
You do not deserve to be abused; no one does.