I Am Going Through A Separation. I Am 53 Years Old And Ill Too.

Dear lindajeanlord, first, thank you for your reply. In short I can tell you that it does get easier with time, something I just hadn't been able to imagine.
I posted my story in July. I was an emotional wreck. I hurt like I never hurt in my whole life. I was grieving, shocked, crying day and night. I felt useless, old, a piece of junk with no future except get older and die. I am disabled, almost deaf, just finished battling with depression and a second cancer in 5 years, now on disability allowance, confined to the house after almost 30 years of a successful career as a teacher. Everything looked BAD, hopeless and pointless.
The mourning/grieving period was hugely beneficial. First, I didn't suppress my emotions. I cried, grieved, talked to friends, allowed feelings of anger, etc. come out. In short, I let all the emotions flow out knowing that after this phase a calmer period would arrive. Nevertheless, I still FELT worthless and cheated. Felt like a victim.
Then, to my surprise, I started seeing, what you call familiar situations, in a different light. Suddenly, things which I always just accepted because I saw no other choice, became clearer and clearer to me so that at some point I asked myself, even with some anger:"How was I able to take it? Why didn't I rebel years ago?, Why didn't I see it as I see it now?etc". That was the most amazing, enlightening moment of all. It got to a point where I realized that not only did I come to terms with the decision to separate, but that now, for me, going back was impossible. I would never want to go back to a hurtful relationship where my needs and desires were never met. Believe it or not, suddenly I came alive and I got some inner strength knowing that now it was I who had control over my life. I no longer expect anything from him, no longer long for him, no longer see myself living with him under the same circumstances. Once I felt free from my emotional dependence, I started seeing friends, I took up reading books again, I started to live the day. It feels so good to know you are independent!
The funny thing is that once he saw my change, he started being more compliant, although I knew there's no way back for me. He rented an apartment 4 months ago. He always accused me of everything bad, he claimed over and over again that he needed peace of mind and that he could find it only living apart from me.
Ha! He isn't able to move out although he says he wants to. He doesn't dare to shout at me or say hurtful things because he knows now that I answer back and that his choices are "behave or move out". He's not able, emotionally, to leave now. I understand it. He's def not making any moves towards restoring our relationship. It isn't as if he's trying to become a lover/partner again, but he now helps more around the house and doesn't criticize me over everything I do.
lindajeanlord, it is important that you share even your basest feelings with someone. Let all your anger, sadness, etc. come out. Think whether you would allow a daughter or a good friend go through what you have gone through. What would you tell another woman if she experienced the same kind of abusive relationship?
You are the most important person. Your well being and happiness are not for sale nor for abuse. YOU deserve a better life, alone or not.
Of course there are disadvantages of being alone at our age. It isnt easy to think of a new relationship. I certainly do not see myself finding a new love. It scares me to death to grow old alone. I am often unwell. I have permanent damage to my digestive system, I just got diabetes and other health issues, all related to my last cancer operation (Whipple Procedure-it's called). I am not and will not get better physically but I know that inner strength is far more important than physical strength.
I am not yet happy. I still don't know what I'll do with my life. I am still living with all the old demons and fears, but I got myself back to my old me.
I hope you will see the light soon. And please, keep me updated as how you are doing. Sending you lots of good energies and virtual hugs :)

Thank you for your reply and your sound advice. Fortunately, I am separating from a kind man. All that remains after we sell the house will be used to buy a house for me and the kids. There's not enough for 2, but he wants me and the kids safe and in a stable place.
There is no way to get separate bank accounts with all the loans/motgages, etc. there are in our bank account; the bank will not release 1 of us from the account as the responsibility to cover the debts falls on 2 people and not on one, and that is what the bank "prefers". So, the only way to start anew, with separated bank accounts is to sell the house, return loans, etc, and move on. In the meantime he still provides for us as much as he can. This is what is sad: we are friends. He sees himself as a loving friend...(well, I can argue the part of "loving"), so it seems that so far we are having a civilized and "friendly" separation, all that for the kids' sake too.
What breaks my heart is his point of view that he doesn't see now any future for us. I can't really accept the way he sees the separation. He says: "let's separate, each one of us will live his/her own life; I don't know what life has for me, I don't know whether I will want back or not, etc"
To me, it can be either:"we need a separation in order to check our relationship and see if we can amend things for, let's say, a year"- or - "We are separating. Period."
As he has not and is not saying anything about giving us both time to see how our relationship can work or be repaired (in a time frame) while we live apart,I take it a a separation, period. I do not want to be in a situation where I will find myself "waiting". No way. I need to be strong enough to tell myself that it is over and not be dragged back to him the moment he suddenly decides that he does want me back. Or, "wait" and see he has chosen a different path without me, with a new partner. This kills me. I can't allow myself be "in the back burner" just in case.no way. I am not a toy you dispose of when you are tired of playing with, and grab back when you miss me. I just wish I could trust myself to be strong about it. To act according to what I say to myself: "it's over".

thank you for your reply :)