Are These Feelings Normal?

I left my husband in May after his drinking problem reached a whole new high. I moved to DC at the end of the month to help my brother with his children for the summer. Now I have the choice to stay here and work on myself-- or go back.

I don't know what to do. The easy thing to do would be to go back to my husband. I miss my own house that I spent so much time working on. I miss my very sheltered indoor german shepherd. Sometimes I miss my husband when I get lonely.

I'm scared. I'm scared to grow up. I'm scared to fail. I'm scared to be alone. I'm worried that if I go back, I will miss out on finding a good guy. I'm worried about my husband too and him being alone.

I don't want to go back because I know the relationship isn't a healthy one--but I feel so weak. Luckily we have no children. One thing that keeps me in DC is the promise of falling in love and starting a family with a man who would make an excellent father. My next fear though-- are there decent men who would be with a divorced girl?

Anyone else experience these feelings?
ajsiders11 ajsiders11
22-25, F
7 Responses Jul 12, 2012

Don't go back!!! I have been married to a man for 16 years who has drank for 14 of those years then I gave him the ultimatum- me or his drink. He has been sober for 2 years this past July and all the alcoholic behaviors are still there even though the alcohol is gone. Sometimes he will lie for no reason, lacks accountability, blames me for his shortcomings and the issues that led him to drink is the first place are unresolved. I wouldn't be here today if we didn't have three children. Start a new relationship and life with a clean slate!

Hi ajsiders11-<br />
<br />
I decided to look online for support with the separation I have been going through for nearly a year. Before I tell you my advice for you, I'd like to share my story. I married in 1995 to a guy who I convinced myself was "the one". I felt I was old at 28 and really needed to get married. I didn't want to be an old 30 and find a guy. (I know, so stupid to think that way in hindsight). I disregarded a lot of my feelings of doubt back then and didn't think his drinking was a big deal nor did I think twice about why he annoyed me so much when we were together. I thought things would improve when we married. Well, things did not improve. In fact, everything got worse. His drinking got to the point where I hated being around him. He was never abusive, but because of his drinking, he wasn't my husband either. I needed a companion and life partner and he just couldn't be that for me. We were basically different in every way too, which didn't help. For years, I begged him to get counseling with me, but every time he would refuse, so I went by myself a few times. I finally realized how unhappy I was and knew I didn't love him, but decided to stay for the sake of our three kids. Then last October, I discovered he was texting another woman he recently re-connected with at his high school reunion. After confronting him, he told me he had feelings for her and hadn't loved me in a long time. So we decided to separate. So many things have happened since the separation to go into now, but I am on my own with the three kids and have a new place without him. <br />
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My advice to you is...don't go back to him. You already know you're not in love with him. You are experiencing what I am experiencing. Although I am on my own, I miss the comfort of the life my husband and I shared together. I am terrified at being on my own and don't know if I am strong enough to do this, but I AM doing it. So can you. You are missing the comfort of the life you had. But that's not what happiness is. there is a big difference between a truly fulfilling married life and just settling for what you became accustomed to. But remember that alcoholism has a life of its own that destroys everything in its wake. Don't let your worry for your husband or your pity draw you back in. I am going to try like crazy to follow my own advice too, because I feel weak a lot and wonder if I want to try again with him, but I know it won't work. Trust me, it won't work for you either. Good luck.

Towards the end of your comment, you have the best advice (I am going through this too, and am the one that walked): Don't let your worry for your spouse or your pity draw you back in. I too am trying like crazy to follow the advice. I'm so glad that we all have a place like EP for support - there are so many stories out there that are similar to ours.

I am glad to know that this feelings are normal. I have just separated from my husband 2 weeks ago (almost 3 weeks). I had actually walked out twice before. However the way it ended this time was not expected. I was the one who ended it but I guess I still love my husband to bits.<br />
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Our problem (well not for him) was the whole hanging around with his family all the time and when I said something about it, he would talk about separating. There have always been issues around our marriage but I guess I got over the whole trying to work on my marriage.<br />
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I still am having doubts on whether I did the right thing or not. I wish this was easier to deal with. Though I can tell you one thing, if you do go back things will never really be the same as you will always look back at how you were about a month or so ago. <br />
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It will also be harder to walk out again (and maybe more heartful).<br />
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Hope all goes well for you. You are still young.

Hi there,<br />
I just wondered how you were doing. You and I are kind of in the same boat, but for different reasons. I too am trying to decide whether or not to go back to my wife. Most days I really don't want to, but there are some really hard days, too. I worry that I will have the same issues in any future relationships that I had in my marriage, and that makes me want to stay, since my wife and I have so much in common and are best friends (but won't be able to stay that way if the divorce becomes final). Maybe I am just missing the comfort of my own home; I'm not sure. I am supposed to take ownership of the house (solely) at the end of next month. I feel like once that date gets here, it is final, and I'm alone. It is pretty damn scary!

There are plenty of women who start over after divorce and find love. True love has no faults. If the man loves you, it doesn't matter what past you have because the important thing is the future you are going to build together. I am going through the same thing as you. Except we have children. He's an alcoholic and doesn't want to change and he has a sex addiction. So if i'm not giving it up he's getting it somewhere else. Talk about emotional abuse. I still feel guilty. I feel like I should be helping him in some way. I know from the depths of my existence that he has to fix himself and there is nothing I can do. I've spent 9 yrs trying. Still I cry at night because I know he loves me and I love him. I am learning to let go, using the promise of a future love, a healthy relationship where we both give with no expectaiontions. If I can do it, girl you can. Stay where you are. Learn to love yourself and become whatever it is that you desire. You can create your future. Why settle for an unhappy past.

I think you are doing the right thing. You are young, and are making the right move. I waited until I was over 30 to make my move, even though I knew I shouldn't have stayed married. I have the same feelings that you do right now. I have been separated for 6 months now. We don't have any kids, but I moved out of our first house that we bought together and did so much work on. I left my dogs behind, which I love as my children, and that hurts like hell. I sometimes miss her when I am lonely, but then I think about how lonely I was when I was with her (I left for different reasons than you, but have the same fears and anxiety about finalizing divorce). I know that I can go back at any time, but really won't let myself. I think about how miserable and alone she made me feel, and the thought of feeling that again makes me sick.<br />
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I too have worried about having the label of "divorced", but I know that there are so many of us out there, for many different reasons. I know that there will be someone out there for you, and think that you are going to be happier in the long run. There will be plenty of guys out there that want to date you. I used to worry about my wife and her being alone. I don't anymore. Those fears went away, and I realize that I spent so much time and put so much effort into our marriage that I never focused on myself. Now I can focus on me, and I know that there are good people out there.

You did the right thing. I know you will find someone good for you. I am thinking about seperating after 24 years together and am already going through all those same questions. The fear of being alone (without a man to protect and take care of me.) I have two children though to help keep me company but concerns and fears for them and about finding someone new who is right for me and them and if I can find that.