I Am Going Through a Separation
Today is the first day of our separation. This weekend we moved him to the upstairs bedroom and it was absolutely heartbreaking to walk into my half empty bedroom (my/our it feels so foreign to talk in singulars). So much that I spend the first night on the couch. We are still in the same house but as he is only here to sleep Mon-Thur because he works/goes to school from 7am-11:30pm and on the weekends we are spliting our time in the house. He will be gone this weekend, I will be gone next.
The arrangement, I think, is best all around because the idea that some of this could be due to stress of raising kids, work, school daily life bs has crossed my mind and him going off and getting his own place takes the bs that he has no right to escape and leave it all on me, out of the equation and he would, in fact, feel happier with less obligation of dealing with children, household crap, ect.. and equate it too being happier without me.
But this weekend was either the last grasp or a renewal. We were together all weekend. He seemed to want/need to be with me. He could have stayed in his realm of the house. Upstairs has a full living room and his computer, a bathroom. He would only have to come down for food really. But instead he sat down here with me. We watched tv together, talked about regular things and we had sex. Several times. Some of those times were pure release but the last one was love making to the highest degree. I don't know if it was a good bye or a renewal of our relationship. I think this is becoming more real to him and he is realizing how extreme he has taken all this. Last night we slept in the same bed, holding each other. Discovering each other again and maybe saying goodbye.
If nothing else came out of this weekend, I do, now, know that he does care for me. He loves me. He has to get through this PTSD/Iraq **** and I wish I could help but if he thinks he has to be on his own to do it, I support him.
So here it is. The beginning of the separation. I am hopeful but resigned that I have no power in this. All my cards have been laid. I will always love him. If I can't be his wife, I will be his friend. Always. I hope I can be both.
If you read all this..thanks for listening.
The arrangement, I think, is best all around because the idea that some of this could be due to stress of raising kids, work, school daily life bs has crossed my mind and him going off and getting his own place takes the bs that he has no right to escape and leave it all on me, out of the equation and he would, in fact, feel happier with less obligation of dealing with children, household crap, ect.. and equate it too being happier without me.
But this weekend was either the last grasp or a renewal. We were together all weekend. He seemed to want/need to be with me. He could have stayed in his realm of the house. Upstairs has a full living room and his computer, a bathroom. He would only have to come down for food really. But instead he sat down here with me. We watched tv together, talked about regular things and we had sex. Several times. Some of those times were pure release but the last one was love making to the highest degree. I don't know if it was a good bye or a renewal of our relationship. I think this is becoming more real to him and he is realizing how extreme he has taken all this. Last night we slept in the same bed, holding each other. Discovering each other again and maybe saying goodbye.
If nothing else came out of this weekend, I do, now, know that he does care for me. He loves me. He has to get through this PTSD/Iraq **** and I wish I could help but if he thinks he has to be on his own to do it, I support him.
So here it is. The beginning of the separation. I am hopeful but resigned that I have no power in this. All my cards have been laid. I will always love him. If I can't be his wife, I will be his friend. Always. I hope I can be both.
If you read all this..thanks for listening.
By:
heartache14
Age:
31-35
,
Female
