Separated, But Still Unsure Of Myself

My husband and I mutually decided to separate back in October of 2011. For years prior to that, I have wanted to leave, but never had the courage to do it and decided it was bad for the kids if I left. The reason why the separation ended up a mutual decision was because he was seeing another woman and I found out. Once that happened, that was the last straw for me and we both figured it was time to separate. Once I actually realized it was really going to happen, I felt jealous of this woman and even convinced myself I wanted my husband back, so I tried to convince him to go to counseling with me. He adamantly refused, as usual. Over the years, I begged for counseling for the two of us due to his alcoholism and the fact that we just could not talk to each other or find anything we had in common. So we ended up signing the separation agreement in December. So many things go through your mind when things change so drastically. Some days I feel strong and free and other days I miss the familiarity of my old life. I feel sorry for my husband because he is struggling so much financially, but then I remember how many times I tried to give him another chance to save our marriage and he simply would not hear of it. So I guess he'd rather be destitute than be with me. That really hurts, but then I think how we never really were meant for each other in the first place, so pity for him does not a fulfilling relationship make!! So last month I moved my kids and I into a new place and started my life without him...really without him. Yes, he sees the kids and I every week and we have settled things amicably, but I am so scared to do this on my own. I should be feeling liberated and free finally, but I still wonder if I have done the right thing. I wonder if I will ever get to the day when I don't have to second guess my decision and finally be at peace with my new life.....
drosefiedler drosefiedler
41-45, F
5 Responses Aug 9, 2012

I am feeling exactly th same after over 30 years. My husband is seeing someone else but this happy before so I wished I had done it years ago. I don't think he really knows what he wants but I have decided enough is enough and am in the process of seeking advice. I really don't feel I want to do this rather that I have no choice but still wonder why I am feeling so scared especially as I am not so young now. I have lots of support but this doesn't make you feel any the less lonely inside. I know exactly about the jealously. My sister tells me things will improve in time and maybe one day when I have learnt to be happy on my own I will find someone who can appreciate me. My first reaction was to feel sorry for him but now I am trying to consider myself. I am sure you will better eventually and meet someone else when the time is right for you.

I really need some advice because today I am feeling so confused. This is the weekend my ex has the kids. I dropped them off last night and when I left, I caught my ex staring after me. Then this morning I see him and the kids at the local market and the same thing happened. I said goodbye and caught him looking at me as as I left. I seriously don't know what this means. I also don't know why I'm so upset about it. I've tried so many times to reconcile only to have him tell me that he loves me, but can't be with me. He texted me awhile ago and told me he wants me with him always, but it can't happen. We are too different. I told him without counseling, I wouldn't take him back. He said counseling couldn't fix what our problem was. Which I guess he means our differences. Anyway, I keep wondering if he does want me back, but thinks I'm happier witout him. I am so confused, I could really use some advice.

I was in a controlling and abusive relationship for over 2 decades. I dreamt about leaving many times, but never had the confidence to do so. It became a vicious cycle, the longer I stayed the longer he had to suck my soul dry. When he finally decided I was nom longer of use, he ended things but continued to control me. <br />
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During this time I reached out to a friend that had been through the same thing. She told me that I needed to just stay the course, as hard as it was. She said that in about a year I would start to see things differently. She was so right! There was several points my ex tried to get back together with me, I struggled with the thought but stayed true to myself and turned him down.<br />
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I am so happy I went throgh this very long and sometimes very painful journey. I am free and independent. I have a confidence that I never had before. I have had a rebirth so to speak. My friendship circle has expanded and my social life is my own. I have discovered that I had been settling for less than I am worth on so many levels, even sexually. <br />
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Is it all a bed of roses now? No, I work 2 jobs and the hours can be very difficult. I am struggling with my youngest son. My oldest son has a horrible relationship with his dad that breaks my heart. But I am in control of my life and that is worth every ounce of the struggles ahead. <br />
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You will get to the day when you don't look back. In the meantime, you will find those days of second guesses will be farther apart. I wish you to best. Add me to your circle if you want a shoulder to lean on during those days of second guessing.

Have you even gone to an Al-Anon meeting? You may be feeling this way because of co-dependency problems. In some alcoholic families people have these "roles" and yours may have been his "caretaker" in a sense. So now that he is gone not only have you lost the marriage but a part of your identity as a caretaker. Just a thought- maybe try a meeting in your area?

Unsure sure beats unhappy!