I'm On The Line Between Giving Up And Seeing How Much More I Can Take

I have a lot of things running through my mind so I hope this reads well and isn't just a bunch of rambling.

I've been married for almost 6 years now. I talked to my husband last week about wanting to separate.. I have thought it over and over the past 8 months. The past 2 years our relationship has deteriorated to what feels like less then a friendship most days.
My son was diagnosed with Autism a little over 2 years ago. A few months after getting all of his therapy organized to where life felt closer to normal again, I realized my husband had developed a drinking problem. I'm not sure why I hadn't noticed it earlier. I guess I was too preoccupied with everything else. For a year, his drinking caused many problems in our life: fights, emotional/verbal abuse, threats of physical abuse, it never came to that but he put quite a few holes in our walls/doors and he lost his job for showing up drunk. After that he seemed to pull himself together. His drinking decreased but our problems didn't. For the next year the fights became daily events. I tried to convince him to seek counseling with me. He wouldn't and never told me why he didn't want to... I would leave for a night and then we would try to work it out for a couple weeks and it'd be right back to where it was or worse. I put so much of myself out there to fix it and he kept hacking away at me till I had nothing left. I just started to go through the motions, avoiding him when and where I could.

Ironic isn't it. When I finally gave up, he starts to get better. The past 8 months have been the best with his drinking. He hardly gets drunk anymore, usually only a beer a night. I've noticed him trying to actually talk things through, helping around the house, taking more time to spend with our kids... He's trying more than me now, though we still have it out on a daily basis... I hate myself for this but even though I see all his improvement and its all I could have wished for a year ago, I don't care. I have to force intimacy, I'm happy when hes at work and I escape whenever I can.
I have so much resentment towards him for all he put me through, he made care less about him and now he wants to try? I just feel like we've been living separately, emotionally, for so long; that I have no idea how to get back to really loving him again.
I feel that a physical separation will help me sort things out without the added stress of all of our fights..
I don't know. Has anyone separated, been able to go back and be happy again?
JazzyLady22 JazzyLady22
22-25, F
Sep 9, 2012