The Pain Of Loving Him Vs. The Pain Of Losing Him

The seperation was my idea, but even so, I'm consumed with sadness. I spent years trying to fix our marriage. I wanted affection, I needed to feel loved.
I'd cry myself to sleep nearly every night. I'd tried talking, telling him what I was feeling until he was tired of hearing me. He eventually stopped listening, now we hardly talk at all. I feel like he stopped loving me years ago. Like I've been losing my best friend for years.
A few months ago, I hit my breaking point. I lost my Brother to suicide. I knew I couldn't bare any more pain, I saw my life with perfect clairty. I'd become miserable. No longer being worthy of my own husband's affection, loosing my own self worth.
Like a switch, I quit caring what he thought of me or whether or not he loved me. I needed to learn to love myself.
I've been focusing more on me, finding my own happiness.
To do that, I needed to emotionally separate from him. We still live under the same roof, co-parent the children. We've talked about divorce, or taking time apart in hopes of falling in love again. Up until now, he's just been stubborn. He won't leave, not even for a weekend. He said he doesn't want to divorce but at the same time won't put any energy into the relationship either.
Lately, I've stopped pushing for solutions.
I quit blaming my husband for not loving me. I took credit for my part in the demise of our marriage and that whatever we do next; take time apart, move out, move on, divorce... it was up to him.
He told me tonight that he plans on returning to school, I was so happy to hear that he's taking the initiative. When I mentioned that there were no jobs around here in that field- he explained that he was planning on re-locating.
I had this surreal, sobering moment. I opened my mouth to object (but what about your wife and kids?) then before I made a sound I realized that this is what I had asked for. I'm not even sure how many emotions I'm feeling all at once. I'm a bit relieved that we won't be fighting over the house, I'm a little shocked that he solidified the imminent divorce, this is the first time he's acknowledged that as a possibility. I'm deeply saddened at the premise of losing my best friend. What I'm feeling, above everything else- I'm proud of him and his decision. I'm actually happy for him. It hurts to think that he's choosing life without me in it. I guess I was right when I suspected that he didn't love me anymore.
That hurts. Deeply.
Just to make it through the day, I had to stop and compare that pain to the heart ache I've felt over the last few years, longing to be loved- relying on him to give me sense of self worth.
It's killing me, but I know we're doing what's best for us.
There was a part of me, a huge part of my heart wanted to see us staying together.
It's so hard to accept that our happiness, while obtainable isn't with one another.
BethanyRose BethanyRose
1 Response Sep 19, 2012

Although my situation isn't exact to yours there are many common themes. Your first sentence about consumed with sadness, trying to fix the marriage, needing affection a needing to feel loved describes my situation to a tee. My husband thinks its all me and if I just fix myself we will be fine but of course that is not true. He won't leave because he doesn't want the divorce so after years of trying to fix and crying all the time I am moving in to a new sad mode. I just bury it all and I know that will backfire some day. Acceptance is really one of the hardest things. It sounds like you are moving in the right direction.
Good luck and stay as strong as you can.