Is There Any Hope?

My husband left me and my daughter about 5 weeks ago. It came out of the blue and I am still in shock. It has been the worst few weeks of my life and I am still in shock. He is determined to be in contact regularly with our daughter and making sure that she is OK so for that I am grateful. I was admitted into hospital two weeks ago and was in for 9 days having major surgery. I am physically and emotionally spent and financially it is hard because I have been unable to work. He is resolute about his decision and wants to organise as soon as possible about how we move on with our lives. He has been supportive of me while I have been sick but has also been saying slanderous and defaming things about me behind my back; saying that i am mentally unstable and an unfit mother. These things have hurt me so much. There is apart of me that cant conceive how I could be with a man that has hurt me and has said these things about me; but I miss the man that I married; the man that once loved me. he seems to have vanished with no hope of return. Do any of you have any advice?

nicolepanizza nicolepanizza
36-40
4 Responses Mar 8, 2009

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am wondering if there is some kind of disease going around, or at least a handbook for men wanting out of marriages. As I read these I see that other men are saying EXACTLY the same things as my husband. It is still very up and down for me and I know that when people say "take care of yourself" that it almost stings because you never thought you would have to hear those words without your husband being a part of the picture. It really is just one day at a time. One thing you will want to be careful of is not crying too much in front of your little boy. But be sure to take time to yourself if you can to grieve. I know this is going to be a very long process, but you will come out on the other side. My hope and prayer for all of us is that we find true and pure happiness again. Good luck!

self proclaimed selfish man. i love that. i have... okay i guess had (as of 3 weeks ago) the same man in my life. what is that?

Good advice from above. Take care of you right now. I always try to take the negative and find the positive. Down the road, once you are through all of the pain and suffering, and the healing starts to take affect, you will look back and maybe even thank him for setting you free. Remember when one door closes another opens.

I wish I had some really useful, sound words of advice. I can share that you are definitely not alone. <br />
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My husband told me on our 8th wedding anniversary (last month), that he is not in love with me and doesn't want a relationship. We too have a young child - he's 6. My husband goes from being really supportive of me to really cold and sometimes cruel - it depends on his mood. I am also going through a major health issue, as I was diagnosed with Stage II Melanoma cancer two weeks ago.<br />
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My husband wants us to live together and raise our son, but doesn't want an intimate relationship - sorry, but this won't work for me. I am frustrated, because with the health stuff, I can't leave right now.<br />
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Oh yeah, he won't move out because he likes the house (we rent) and says he was here first (he moved in 6 months before me). So, we will have to move. He is not concerned that it will be a lot of trauma for my son to move out of the only house he has ever known. He told me he is selfish, never wanted to have a family and he needs his space to do his art and all of his other activities. He is only home 2 nights a week and has never been the primary care giver for our son. While I know he loves him very much, he really doesn't want the responsibility of the day to day stuff. He just wants the fun stuff of being a parent. He doesn't get up in the middle of the night when our son is sick, doesn't go to parent teacher conferences, doesn’t take him to the doctors; doesn't go school clothes shopping, doesn't drive everywhere for sporting activities, doesn't change sheets, do laundry (except his own now), ever cook a meal, the list goes on and on. He works a full-time job and says he needs his free time to pursue his passions and what is best for him. I too have a full-time job (my own business) where I bring in a bigger income and pay more than 1/2 of the bills. All of my other time is spent on my beautiful baby boy (that is my choice and I love it!). <br />
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While I am still hurt and sometimes angry, this is the man I married. He is self- proclaimed "selfish" and at least he is honest about it.<br />
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What he would really love is to be able to do his art, go to his martial arts classes 5 nights a week (which he does), have complete freedom, watch his *********** (which he says every man does, but won’t admit ), date, yet still have a family to come home to. He gets lonely and we were always best friends (his words not mine). I am sorry but the "have your cake and eat it too" just isn't going to happen.<br />
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I am already a single Mom and have been one for many years. I will always want him to be a part of his son's life, but I know that I need to take care of me and my boy. I will never deny him that because I want what is best for our child. My first priority will always be my son - that is not his first priority.<br />
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When all this happened, I asked him to go to counseling with me; not to throw away an 8 year marriage, but he said no. He has no desire to make this work. While this is devastating, at least I am now living in reality and can say that I tried – I never wanted our marriage to end. I was willing to take the bad with the good (yes there was a lot of good). But I can’t be in denial.<br />
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So, as you can see, I am in a similar boat. What little advice I can give is - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. <br />
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I have surrounded myself with loving friends; go to therapy; write about my feelings everyday (journaling); take good care of myself (especially since the cancer has invaded my life); dress to feel sexy; flirt again; eat healthy foods; do lots of fun stuff with my son; share lots of stories on ep (I have found a phenomenal amount of support on this site - and some GREAT FRIENDS!); cry a lot (it releases so much); and remember that I am a beautiful, worthwhile human being, deserving of love and affection!