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Why Us?

My husband of 19.5 years woke me up at 5am two weeks ago to tell me he was leaving.  We have been together for 24 years.

Now, I guess the whole "how was I the last to know" situation is true here.  Less than a week before he told me he loved me.  We made love frequently, laughed, had a great life, were reaching the point where things get easier, with grown kids, a beautiful home, a cottage.  He told people he was "the luckiest man on earth", everyone who knew us would say that we always had fun and were a great couple.  I agree, we were.....so, what happened?

I love him completely, and my heart is so broken I am not sure I will get over this.  I have always loved him and our life together.  We are both fit, healthy and enjoy the same things.  We discussed our future regularly.

Now, he will not speak to me unless it is via text message or through our children.  He will not go to counseling.  He says he needs time and space to "heal deep wounds".  I have never done anything to cause deep wounds???  I am trying not to contact him, but I feel the need to communicate, to understand.  AND, I want to fix this and get back together.  He says he is not with anyone else, and thinks he is better off alone.  He moves into his own apartment this week, and it is killing me.  I miss him so much.

Does anyone have any ideas, insights, understanding of how this could happen?  I am so devastated, and finding it hard to sleep, eat, and function.

notready4this notready4this 41-45 67 Responses Jul 30, 2009

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I'm going through something similar. Been married for almost 10 years and two weeks ago my husband tells me he's not happy and just wants some space. He is out signing a six month lease right now and I'm a wreak. My anxiety is horrible.

I have a similar situation. My husband and I have been together 6 years, been married for 3 years on July 9th. He has some issues. Depression, etc. Bottom line, he said he wanted to be alone, then got an apartment June 13. I am devastated. No other woman involved either. Every couple has their differences but I am not understanding what triggered him to leave and get an apartment. About 8 months ago he left and stayed with his mom only to return 3 weeks later saying I love you and miss you. I don't know what to do either.

WWow, so Sry. I know exactly what u are going thru. My husband of 25 yrs. Just walked out for the second time. Just last week we were together n yes just like u ppl state that we r the craziest couple we laugh all the time we had an argument and then he packed up his stuff while was at work and he left. There is no reason I just think men in general are weak selfish childish idiots. If u are looking for an answered sweety, u might not get it. But I did learn one thing in our separation. When u call, text or try to communicate they shut down when u ignore, they will call. Weird, but it works for most

Whatever became of your situation? I sit here heartbroken in a similar situation.

going through the same thing myself, not sure where it is coming frome but gut feeling there is someone else, just pick yourself up and move on, put on the make up get out there you will find the person you are men't to be with xxx

You story is the same as mine. I have been married for 15 years and our dreams were to move to SC from NJ last July. We did just that, six months in Sc my husband told me he no longer loved me like he did 15 yrs past. I did not see it coming. He asked me to leave and we have filed for a legal sepration. My life had been turned upside down. I am hollow inside and have been ill over this. I text him everyday but he does not return my text. I want to believe that his interests do not lay elsewhere but no 100 pc sure. Just today I sent a letter asking him to provide an explantston to why we are in this situation and asked him to send me his wedding ring as it apparently does not mean anything to in. I take my marriage vows serciously for better or worse in good time and bad. I asked him to soul search and dig deep into his heart if he was to Dave this martiage or not. I am falling apart and if he does not want to save the marriage then I must start the healing process and believe God had a plan for me. My faith and hope is what is keeping me going. I guess what I saying, faith , hope and prayers will comfort you during this period. Hugs!

Hey there. So how are you doing now? I hope things are getting easier by the day, because i am just separated for 1 week and i feel like crap! Everything you described as you were feeling, i feel those feelings exactly. It seems like it'll never ever get better...

I know how you feel to a point .My wife let me know after 25years she loves me but not in love with me .I have been a very good husband loving father to our two children 21- and 17.For the last year or so I let do her dancing I did try it but found it was not for me so let her carry on stayed in made dinner for us all .Daughter and wife Don't get on wife said that was one reason for her going dancing now after 5months sleeping in separate rooms lots of heart break not sleeping but still going to work not letting work know trying to be strong for my son who needs to Finnish collage .As I've just wants to sell go 50-50.Well I hadn't thought that far ahead so a big shock for me she has a social life and willing to give up her family for it....

I know how you feel. My husband walked out during an argument and has not returned. It's been over a month. I feel the need to contact him as well, even though he sounds frustrated with me. I just want to know what's going on. I feel like I'm being led on. I don't function, I threw myself into work, otherwise I just sit and feel sorry for myself. I want my life back. I wish I could help you. But I hope you have some comfort knowing you are not alone. I feel your pain. My blessings to you to find strength, and peace of mind.

PLEASE tell me the origin of the word jingnetties!!

I was not married for as long as you were but I do understand how you feel. When my husband told me we was not in love with me anymore and that he needed time to figure it out killed me everyday. At the time we were staying in the same house that lasted for about 3 wks but I couldn't do it any longer. Every time I saw him texting on his phone or talking on his phone made me worry that he was talking to the girl he was talking to since the end of August. Everyone who knew us was so surprised that he was doing this and calling it a "Midlife Crisis". I don't really care what it is all I know is that I am so in love with him and I feel helpless not knowing how to fix it. We have separated this past weekend by moving into our own apartments. I have the two kids with me because he works so much but we only live 4 buildings apart. Everything I look at at my new place still reminds me of him. I am depressed, sad and jealous of him right now because I just keep seeing all the new stuff he has and it ****** me off because he has money and I have no job or money. On a upside I might have a job by the end of the week. My fingers are crossed. I am trying to do what he asked and give him time to figure out what he wants but it is the hardest thing I have every done. My friends say that I need to figure out myself also because I was the marriage. Anytime anyone needed anything I would drop whatever I was doing and run to the rescue but that wasn't enough I guess. I have never been on my own and I am 32yrs old. I haven't had a job in over three years because when we moved to our current city he wanted me to be a at home mom. Now trying to get into the working life again is difficult. UGH. If you figure anything out let me know and if you just want to talk message me. I am new to this so I don't really know how any of this works but I am here. Good luck and my prayers will be with you too.

Your words touch very close to home for me....
I was married for 20 years and although all marriages have their ups and downs
for the most part we were good...
All our friends were in shock...said we were the perfect couple!
Everyone who knew us called it a "Midlife Crisis" too...
Said he still loves me....give him time!


When one Christmas I found out he was seeing a woman he met through work?

He said all the same things back then and now...
he just needs to be alone....
figure things out....he doesn't want another woman..

But how do you do that to someone your "love"?
And to your family?
Now I have three angry children...
no money or job since we agreed years ago I'd be a stay at home mom too!
I watch him go out with people...buy new clothes etc. and my guts twists in pain.
I haven't been able to buy a new bra since it happened...

listen you may never know the "why"
but usually something motivates a man....
I just hope it works out for you...good luck

I left my boyfriend of five years. We were good friends and we enjoyed each others company, bu the sex was unfulfilling and I was bored. I just couldn't try any more. It came as a total shock to him and I was very sad and felt very guilty. I should have talked to him more, but I thought I could fix everything by myself, by putting up with it. I was wrong, and it was too late. He wanted to try again, so I let myself be persuaded, but it was doomed and only prolonged the sadness.

Then he decided he hated me and wouldn't forgive me, so we stopped talking. I have heard through mutual friends that he has a new girlfriend now though, so I hope they suit each other better than we did.

My husband did the same thing to me.... the only difference is that he was trying to sneak out at 5:00 am without even telling me...... a real *coward* our dog started barking and woke me up. Our daughter had friends sleeping over at our house....... I was in shock.......I couldn't believe my eyes........<br />
I found out months later that he had met a girl at work and was seeing her before he left but, he still denies it....... I am not saying that your husband has a girlfriend but, a lot of the men/women in my separation/divorce support group have similar stories - the cheating spouse rarely comes out with the truth and admits it..........

He has a girlfriend.

stick to the no contact rule?

No one can say just the right thing to alleviate your pain but, may I suggest that you lean on your family and friends as well as seek out counseling for yourself. Also, I can completely understand your consternation and need to understand why; one would think that he would have given you some clues that he was not happy in advance of leaving. However, one thing is clear, he does not and probably will not answer your questions or attend counseling right now. Please try, and I know that this is difficult, to Keep your dignity and refrain from calling him! In time you will know what has happened for better or worse. Left to his own devices, he might even realize that he had something worth Keeping with you. Okay girl friend get ready for a painful marathon, cry, get your hair done, cry, buy a new pair of shoes...Do anything to keep your confidence and your head up high!<br />
Best

my guess is there is a female at the end of this....it happened to me.

wow what a shocker. some these storys are crazy. breaking up threw tex and email?? waking you at 5am! i am sorry and i know the hurt and how hard is to understand. i had a neibor that went threw same turned out he was gay. after 3 kids and being married over 20 years said i leaving you cause i am gay?? so ya never know. the shock and pain is same no matter what reason. i am sure in time your hurt will ease. good luck!!

I am so sorry his loss!

I can never understand what you're going through, but I think with patience and time you will find your answers and understand what is happening. I am sorry that this is happening to you and I do hope things work out and remember "sometimes things fall apart so that other things can fall together". Best of luck with everything.

I have lost my wife to adultry. We have been together for 28yrs and have four children all who are married with their own family. One exception my youngest daughter who is only 14yrs old. Me and my wife had a great relationship. We built from the start a love that started on friendship and communication with one another. I beleive that is like blood flowing through your body. It has to be there for you to live.Once the blood stops so does your life. The same works in any relationship. Communication we had this. We never had no serious agruments throughout the 28yrs. It seem it happen over night. I feel like I'm so ashamed for letting her down that she had to go to the arms of another man. Life is hard to move forward. We all need that special person that loves us in our life. every human spends there early days in search of love. When you find that perfect soul mate you feel complete. Now it is like something is missing. Our communication stop flowing and we died. To all that read this always keep the heart open to your partner. Surrender to them your feeling, likes, dislikes, and always strive to work things out. You have to learn to forgive as Jesus. He has forgive us of all of our wrongs and loves us no matter what has happen in the past.

It was her fault for not turning to you first. Don't take the blame.

Ok I did not want to get my own personal life into this but I feel for you and your pain!<br />
I am very soon going to ask my wife (33 yrs) for a divorce! It will shock her, crush her even, for awhile. I am sure she will say she never saw it coming! But I have told her, pleaded with her, and even wrote her letters telling her what is wrong. Her response is always the same. "Your a grown adult, suck it up!"<br />
She decided along time ago her priorities in the marriage were work, kids, TV, her hobbies, and hubby! In that order. Well I tolerated it, but asked for some intimacy...was told hell no, I don't have the energy for that! <br />
Truth is she decided on her own, she was not going to be my lover anymore. I would rather be alone than live with a woman that resents me touching her! She says she is very happy, we have a great life. I say bull ****, it is living hell! I am not leaving to go be with anyone! I am leaving to get away from her, she has broken my heart, crushed my spirit and could care less how I feel about anything.. After all men don't have feelings do they? <br />
<br />
I am not sure if anything here applies. I hope it helps.. I am sure it does not hurt! Try to some how view it all from his perspective. It is the little things that add up to the hurt and pain we suffer! I doubt he can pick a single incident out, it may be many small things. I told my wife about some stuff she told me once in anger, and she does not even remember it! But it tore a hole in my soul! <br />
Of course the other thing is that maybe he wants to explore new areas, that marriage will never allow! <br />
Good Luck!

I am no expert on these matters, but my Brother did the same thing to his wife, at age 50 he announced, He no longer wanted to be married. So she kicked him out, sold all his stuff, and Divorced him. Turns out he had a female friend at work who had talked him into "a better time" with her...Well that lasted about 6 weeks, then they hated each other. The Love of his life was divorced from him, and actually engaged to another man. All his possesions were gone. Al he had was his car! I talked to him about why he had told her that, and he said he felt trapped...that he was missing out on life by being married. Then he stated that she (the ex. ) had over reacted. I guess he wanted a separation to go play, then come back later and make up? <br />
My bet is your H has had his attention drawn to someone. Just make sure he understands a separation does not mean he is not married. If he insist on a divorce then, well he is playing with someone!

I just want to say I'm sorry. You will prevail and your right, you will never forget. Not forgetting doesn't mean you won't come to terms. Yes , do go through the pain and remember the goal is to heal. Over time make it right in YOUR heart.

My partner of 10 years left me.....I left in the morning to drop my 13 years old son to school,I was with my 18 years old daughter in my car,we decided to go back home,because she needed to use the loo,before going out again.<br />
When we reached home,he was packing stuff in his car.....unknown to me.....I was devastated and still am,6 months later.<br />
I miss him and I still love him,I am in my last year of nursing school,he has shattered my life,and I am afraid I won't be able to complete my studies....I have to carry on for my kids' sake.....by July I will be totally broke,I can't find a job,because I am training to be a nurse and I do not have time to work,as most of time is taken up by studying and placement in hospital.<br />
I am very scared,I am scared to lose my house and everything else....<br />
I just wish I had the courage to kill myself.....I know it would be a selfish thing,but he left me when I needed him the most.....how can someone leave another person when they are trying to make something of their life?<br />
I have helped him when he was broke,homeless,when he had no food or shelter,neither his family or his friends helped him....I have helped him feeding his son.<br />
How selfish can a human being be?<br />
He knows about my financial difficulties and yet he does not care,he has repaired his house,bought a new car and spent thousand on home gadgets,apple computer,new tv,and so on.....what am I left with nothing,in the ten years he lived with me he never helped me with rent ,only with few bills and shopping at time......what a fool was I?<br />
It is true love makes people fools and blind.......well at least he made me a fool and blind to see his true colours.<br />
My children are totally disgusted by his behaviour.....their dad left them when they were small,and my partner was in their life for 10 years and now he too has left..........what a sad place has this world become.<br />
I can't write anymore,the pain has taking over.......thank you for reading my story.....<br />
A lost soul.

I am so sorry to hear this my heart is breaking. How did you get through this? How are you doing?

jingonetties has it right. I'm far from getting married but I can see this in my mother. Luckily it is not so severe that it overlooks great issues. Anyone in this situation please read what he's written carefully. It is harsh, difficult, and daunting but it is what must be done.

i also liked that advice. i feel that successful relationships depend on this type of agreement with a partner. not only is the woman's world and paradigm important, but she can't forget her husband's world and paradigms are also and quite often different from her own. taking some time out to really appreciate and learn about my partners' world is saving our relationship. no, everything is NOT fixed yet, but we are working on it and admitting to ourselves and each other just what went wrong. ppl really do need to LISTEN to each other, not just demand *togetherness* in all aspects.

Hi<br />
<br />
Cry as much as you need to. It helps you to get rid of the anger. It also helps to try and see if you can get some answers from yo hubby. I dont know how but i think he's been seeing someone on the side. I have learned that when a man says things like that its because he's seeing someone else and likewise for a woman. I hope its not one of your close friends or someone you know.<br />
<br />
How do u tell the heart to stop feeling or loving? how do u get rid of the feelings, times and memories you shared? its difficult and i pray u make it through in one piece. just be strong and move forward with the knowledge that it'll be hard. take it one day at a time

Why You? Why not You? It sounds harsh, very harsh, bu statistically speaking the chance of a divorce happening to anyone nowadays is 50%.<br />
I was reading an article recently where a psychologist explained that people want different qualities in their partner at different stages in their lives. When you are 20, 40, 60, your idea of a partner might be different. Of course this does not apply to everybody, but it seems it applies to your husband.<br />
As I read your story it is clear that you went through a lot in life together, raising up kids and trying to create financial stability. While going through these experiences, even though you said both of you enjoyed similar things and hobbies, most likely his mindset was different than yours. Maybe as years passed he started to love you more and more as a friend and the romance was vanishing gradually. Maybe he wanted to improve, experience and learn new things that are available only living on his own.<br />
Maybe he figured out that he was living a life that was not "his", but was a fake one for him.<br />
Maybe he he just thought he wanted to fall in love again. <br />
It's only him who knows it, and maybe you will never find the true reasons and you will have to accept it.<br />
Try to keep going this pain as fast as you can and suffer as fast and as quickly as possible, because the longer you think about the why-s, the longer pain will be part of your days.<br />
Try to start also new things in your life, things you never did before. If you never took Yoga, do yoga, If you never surfed, try it. Try to write something, that helps a lot when you can express yourself on a paper. <br />
Don't forget that when a door closes another one opens, and now you have to embrace a new chapter in your life, even though it starts painfully. Try to look for that other door sooner rather than later and open it as soon as you can and willing.<br />
Life doesn't end here and you have to be strong. Not only for yourself but for your kids as well.<br />
Do some soul searching and try to learn more about yourself. At the end it will benefit you, believe me.<br />
I wish you all the best to you and I truly hope you will speed up this painful chapter for your own good.

I'm very impressed with some of the advice given. <br />
<br />
After 24 years of marriage and 4 children, my husband left. In hind sight, he was setting himself up for months, probably years. I saw it, I felt it, but didn't want to believe it. I was in denial and kept thinking a miracle would happen! How foolish I was. I had become half the woman I used to be and felt like I was living in quicksand because of his lies, infedelity and deceitfulness. <br />
<br />
I had a chance to call it quits the first time he left, instead, he decided one night that he wanted back in, and while I was out with the kids, he bought groceries, came in the house and started making dinner...thereby, reclaiming his position in the family. Although I was very upset about what he did, I felt I had no recourse since the law allows that to happen and after a few days, decided to make the best of the idea. The relationship continued to go down hill from there. When trust is gone within a relationship, only the outer shell and superficial tolerance is left. <br />
<br />
Luckly, I've forgotten most of the emotional hurt and humiliation I tolerated, but even so, the day he left changed my life. In some ways, I know that I am so much better off without him , but in another, there is an empty, aching feeling that gets me every once in a while. Time does heal, but after so many years of marriage, it is not easy to radicate yourself and start anew. <br />
<br />
Because there are kids involved, there is ALWAYS some contact with the other spouse..it's like a sore that keeps oozing. I'm trying so hard not to care or be jealous of the new girlfriend in the picture, but curiosity and self pity manages to creep in. Overall, I'm doing quite well and everyday I feel emotionally stronger, but special occasions have become a chore, it feels like there is an undercurrent with the kids avoiding to let me know things about their dad and he about me, the kids have to balance their time and attention between us and having to make all major decisions alone sometimes sucks.<br />
<br />
There is no quick fix. It's a mourning process that has to be lived, experienced and dealt with head on. Some days early on I found it difficult even to go grocery shopping. I would drive all the way to the store and not have the physical energy to get out of the car so I would drive back home again. Slowly, I started taking baby steps and today feel much more positive about myself and what I want out of life. My advice to anyone who is hurting, it's ok, you deserve to cry, punch a pillow, feel down.....but also, take baby steps to do little things for yourself and you will see that slowly, day by day a new door does open. Good luck and best wishes.

How are you doing?

i just joined this site and see this took place back in 2009, so I am wandering how are you now? Are things still the same or have you moved on. I am right there where you are in your marriage, mine is 25 years, so by now yours probably is too. I can offer some advice if you are still in this point in your life.

I think there's more to the story.You had no problems and had an active sex life.After 19 years of marraige if a man hasnt left they generally dont.<br />
I assume its probaly another woman or he's going through a midlife crisis.I dont recomend that you lose your head over it.These things have happened several times.Your story is sad but not any more differently than the rest.<br />
My suggestion is that you give your husband all the space in the world.If your a great wife like i assume you are then im pretty sure all he needs is time to sort things through.<br />
It'll be hard but try to stop texting him.Give him his space..After all it has been 19 years!! Men sometimes ask for space after a year or two.This should be understandable i would think.Take care