Why Us?

Very similar thing happened to me 2 years ago. Only it was my wife saying that and she ran off with another guy. I can actually look back now and see all the little tell tale signs that I missed - but I also noticed that I only wanted to stay together because we have 2 children, young and still at home.

It may be that a bit of time on his own will clear his head - though I doubt it. To wake you so early to tell you, it has been bugging him for some time. Take a deep breath, pick yourself up and move on - yes it hurts - you are welcome to my shoulder.

I hated it when everyone used to tell me about fish and the other stupid sayings - made me want to scream. 2 years on, I am still single and very happy. Life is an adventure - I've done a long weekend in Spain, NY and Vegas - NY and Spain were just spur of the moment.

Make yourself a list of all the things you've ever wanted to do and go do them. I like my life now a lot more than the life I had.

Same here, but with HER breaking up by email to me three months ago - never to be seen again. There are the few one way phone calls and answers to my emails, but I have been cut off from all her family including her three grandchildren, each of whom I had the pleasure of being at the hospital while waiting for their births.

I'm still in the middle of a breakdown where I suffer anxiety, uselessness and complete disinterest in everything I once had an avid interest in. I'm a musician and can suddenly breakdown during a song.

I realise that I'm only remembering the good things of our relationship. I never remember the bad times with her hypocrisy, jealousy, and provocative statements and arguments.

These I have carefully listed onto large paper: left side, the good things; right side, the bad things - in large black writing. These now hang my fridge to be read during my 'down' moments. While it doesn't bring me closer to her family (none of whom contact me) it does help to remind me of the advantages of the separation.

I'm only just accepting that this is the end (of the relationship) even though a big part of every day is still an angonising feeling of loss and unrequited love.

I know how it feels when some one hurts you and you do not get a chance to even know why it happened. One feels betrayed and angry. I want to say only one thing that maybe you may never understand why this happened to you, but you need to understand one thing that God understands you and your situation very well. He knows you. So stop figuring it out.
Right now all that you need to know is to go to God and ask for His intervention in your life. See only God knows whats on in someones mind. Only God can heal the wounded. Ask God to help you through this situation and make you learn what He wants you to learn through this. Also consistently pray for your self, your husband, your marriage and your family. Listen to Joyce Meyer if you can. Her teachings will help you sail through this time and also help you find your relationship with God.

God Bless you

Take care

Dear, after reading your story I feel that he's not explaining clearly why does he need to break up now after more than 2 decades of relationship?

Surely there has to be a reason: something only which he knows. And he does not want anybody else to know. You or someone just need to talk to him and try to understand his position.

Or else just move on with your life sweetheart. This is not the end of your world. I can feel how hurt you're but some things are beyond human comprehension and power. You cannot force him to be with you. Relationship is a mutual agreement.

My love and regards to you dear. God bless you and keep you happy always.

My husband woke me up in 1995 and told me he didn't think he loved me anymore or ever did.After some snooping I found out a woman at work had caught his eye.These stories don't always end badly.We are still together today.It was rough for 4 months.It took a few self help marriage books(Dr Phils) is a good one,and a few counseling sessions for us to find out neither one of us was perfact,or extremely happy with each other.We were both ruining the marriage.For the sake of our kids and the time we had been together we decided to start over with the tools we learned over those 4 months.Especially the communication tools.Today i can sit here and say we are great together.The one thing we learned was that a marriage is a living thing,and if you don't take care of it,it dies.I recently heard a pastor say if you think the grass is greener on the other side...water your own.Too many people run from a bad marriage into a new relationship and find out down the line its the same relationship with a new person.They don't find happiness,because they never learned or matured from the point they were at when they left the marriage.My advice to you is to work on your own self.Grow where you are standing.When i got to the point where i felt that no matter what happened with my husband,I would be fine,that is when he wanted some of what i had gotten.And he was then willing to do the work with me.This can change your life and your marriage for the better.I strongly recommend Dr Phils relationship rescue as a place for yourself to start.For me reading was better than sitting around crying and i learned alot about marriage and about myself.At least i was doing something positive and taking control of something when everything else seemed way out of my control.God bless and guide you through this.Its a deep wound that has been inflicted onto you.

Here are a couple of resources that helped MY wife navigate MY midlife crisis.

http://midlifeclub.com/his-midlife-crisis
http://bit.ly/2MbR75
http://bit.ly/tJgS

The bottom line is there isn't much a woman can do when a man goes through this. The most IMPORTANT thing to do is to take care of YOU. Exercise, meditation and impartial support are required.

Please click on those links and focus on yourself. Your children need you. Dad may come around (took me 3 years) or he may not. Your children can't afford to have both of you in flux...sorry. Like most working moms around the world, the responsibility always falls on you.

why dos everyone keep telling u that they some how "know" wat ur goin through or they "know" how u "feel" wen al they "know" is their idea of how u feel from ur story compared to their experiences. now forgive me because i know that wat they have gon through intitels them to have this idea but that dosnt mean its always makes them rite.
and com on! al this christian crap really gets on my nerves! now yes God is good nun the less but this christian crap al these people spout out dosnt help. al it dos is make u feel secure in the sea of sand we cal life through falls hope cald faith. faith isn't a bad thing really though but its wat u put ur faith in that is. so putin faith in God is good but not in the christian way or any other way for that matr.
but now onto ur problem hun^^ with out knowing u in person and ur husband either no one can help u much. i suggest goin to counsalin with him but u both have to be open to it AND working together. its true from reading the story that he isn't telling the truth but his problem mite not be u. it mite be something else entirely witch intern makes it hard to be around his family. and he mite not be coming to u for help because of issue's with his pride. but truly al the good advise i can giv u is hold on for the ride because u hav no idea wats coming next.

I understand your pain. It is pure hell. You cannot eat, sleep, think, keep from calling them, not blame yourself, not hate them, not love them madly, pray, beg... a frigin MILLION things are tearing you up right now. I am so sorry. The 'surprise' announcement he made and the manner he made it in, leads me to believe that there is more tot he story. Bear in mind I am NOT a relationship Guru and cannot read someone mind. What I have done is 'live to tell' my story and I have researched this 'phenomenon' for 5 and 1/2 years now. Almost without exception there is an ELEPHANT in the room that the initiator of the separation NEVER reveals during his/her first drive by shooting of you! And almost without exception the real story comes in bits and pieces, over months. I personally think the 'leaver' wants to feel better about making a bad, selfish decision. (I do not think all break-ups are bad but most break-up methods people use are). They are reinventing themselves and they need as rubble free of a ground as they find. Who wants to see a 'screaming mimi' in the corner of their beautiful new world? Plus, many selfishly do not want to deal with the drama they know will come if they are honest and transparent. Bottom line, they are worn out from plotting a new life course. Yes, your husband could be the exception to the rule but in all honesty I doubt he will be. He is operating under the old 'out of sight, out of mind' school of thought. While you cry yourself a damn river and drown over and over again! It is not fair!! In any way, shape or form. I could give you 1000 web sites to go to and books to read that all have good advice. The truth is you probably will not take any of it. Why? Because you are months, possibly years behind your husbands decision to separate. Your life was just 'freshly' up-rooted when he blind sighted you with his announcement. You are still struggling to breathe and process his declaration. And you still love him. You have not experienced a shift in your marriage as he has. For you it is still yesterday. Make sense? Now, you are not wrong. In fact you are very right! Marriage was never intended to be disposal. To NOT entertain leaving would then be your norm in your marriage. Something or someone or both or age, depression, work made him shift his core beliefs from marriage commitment to a new 'disposal, single-minded, selfish' way of living. Most of us who are 'left behind' cannot fathom self-care of making decisions that protect ourselves in this martial tsunami. We just want them back. Right? So you want WHO back? A man who leaves you hurting to heal himself? Your husband has made life changing decisions that have now caused damage to your marriage that will take God to heal them. (sorry Mr. " no need" God poster. I DO need Him!) That means that if he comes home tomorrow and he might, you are now placed in a horrible place of uncertainty. Will he leave again? Does he love me? Was or is he seeing someone? What is he doing working late? When we do not deal with people, especially our spouse in an authentic, honest way we cause soul damage that takes very hard work to heal.

I can recommend books, sites. I can email them to you. Reality is that you need to do several things. NOW. 1st, Do not wait on him to live. What I mean is that in this demise take care of yourself. Eat, even a little bit, rest if you cannot sleep, find friends to talk to. (it is HIS shame not yours!) FIND A COUNSELOR!! There are some free ones. There are even some good ones that do phone sessions. This will help you sort out your churning emotions. This is a must do.

2, You have heard that actions speak louder than words, right? Now you have lived it! You now need to take action to protect yourself and the life that YOU DID NOT leave. I would see an attorney. NOT to divorce but for protection and for yourself. You did not get a say in him leaving. Make sure you get one IF he decides to not come home. I can honestly say that without fail that ALL women going through this, probably men too, wish they had taken better steps to protect themselves at the start but usually we are so emotional and CRAZY due to shock we cannot think of self-care. We lower all boundaries and let our partner walk all over us. We think that is 'WE' make a move our spouse will think we are wanting out too! and god forbid, right? But that is not the case. He left you holding the bag... Now fill the bag up!
3rd, The most important thing you need to know is this... YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM OR HIS MIND OR MAKE HIM COME HOME OR MAKE HIM LOVE YOU OR WAIT LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM, OR GIVE HIM THE SPACE HE NEEDS... YOU CANNOT CONTROL WHAT HE DOES OR THINKS. Bottom line that is the truth you will learn from this journey to hell. The only question is HOW will you learn it. You cannot dress different, bleach your hair, lose weight and him suddenly return. Do not wast time on what the others before you have failed at. It does not work. I know.... We all want them back.

4, What do you control? You ONLY control YOU! You can only change you. You will find stuff as you dissect your life you need to change. Just do it. Don't labor over it, or blame yourself. You were a couple and may be again BUT FOR NOW, you are YOU!! Be the best you that you can. Control your response to him, control the times you talk to him (even though you feel at his mercy right now) Control what parts of yourself you allow him access to. You were a '2', a 'couple' (still are in God's eye) but he has decided he wants to be a one. You had no say but the bottom line is that you can have a say in your future.

5, PRAY! We all go to God when desperate. Really we are no different than non-believers who run to a friend or parent for support EXCEPT my God moves mountains! Friends and family cannot. Pray honest, desperate, truth... God is there and despite what you feel or think He will be what anchors you through this.

P.S. I am still with my husband. Is it tough, yes. Am I happy? To be honest I am not. Why? Because I did not have anyone giving me the advise I just gave you and when I did 'wake up' I still did not heed it.... so that makes for unstable rebuilding. In hind sight... haha ... I would file for divorce or separation within the 1st month of discovering his secrets. If we would have made it I would at least have respected myself.

I hope this helps. It is just my experience and discovery. Blessings and hugs to you.

I was 6 months pregnant on my son (who was planned) when my lad decided he needed some space to sort his head and his feelings out. turned out he'd been seeing someone else. NeverEndingStory is right the truth will come out in bit and pieces over the next month or so. in the meantime all i can advise u is to keep your head above water and make sure u eat and look after yourself, even if u do just want to lock yourself away from the world, don't!
And no matter what do NOT blame yourself, he's entirely the one to blame.
things will be bad for a while yet but please try to keep in mind that time will heal you're broken heart, and i believe everything happens for a reason so i'm confident things will work out better for u in the long run and as for your husband, karma will make sure he gets exactly what he deserves!!!
Best of luck
lisa xx

Hmmm this man is not being honest with you... there will be a female at the end of his silence....

My suggestion would be to write everything you thought your relationship with him was (in a letter to him) and how you felt with him over the years and how you were feeling right up to the time he said goodbye and how you are feeling now....

When you have finished dont post it....yet...just sit on it a while until more truth reveals itself...it will...be patient...

If it gets to him wanting a divorce...send him your letter along with this one....(if you decide its what you want to do of course)

Story Begin ---

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jewel. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take
back what I had said for I loved Jewel so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jewel.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a
month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jewel about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was greying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jewel about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life
lacked intimacy.

I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Jewel opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jewel, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home
on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jewel seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

Story end ---

Hope he comes to his senses and you wont have to send either letter.... Blessings and best wishes....