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Why Us?

My husband of 19.5 years woke me up at 5am two weeks ago to tell me he was leaving.  We have been together for 24 years.

Now, I guess the whole "how was I the last to know" situation is true here.  Less than a week before he told me he loved me.  We made love frequently, laughed, had a great life, were reaching the point where things get easier, with grown kids, a beautiful home, a cottage.  He told people he was "the luckiest man on earth", everyone who knew us would say that we always had fun and were a great couple.  I agree, we were.....so, what happened?

I love him completely, and my heart is so broken I am not sure I will get over this.  I have always loved him and our life together.  We are both fit, healthy and enjoy the same things.  We discussed our future regularly.

Now, he will not speak to me unless it is via text message or through our children.  He will not go to counseling.  He says he needs time and space to "heal deep wounds".  I have never done anything to cause deep wounds???  I am trying not to contact him, but I feel the need to communicate, to understand.  AND, I want to fix this and get back together.  He says he is not with anyone else, and thinks he is better off alone.  He moves into his own apartment this week, and it is killing me.  I miss him so much.

Does anyone have any ideas, insights, understanding of how this could happen?  I am so devastated, and finding it hard to sleep, eat, and function.

notready4this notready4this 41-45 68 Responses Jul 30, 2009

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I think there's more to the story.You had no problems and had an active sex life.After 19 years of marraige if a man hasnt left they generally dont.<br />
I assume its probaly another woman or he's going through a midlife crisis.I dont recomend that you lose your head over it.These things have happened several times.Your story is sad but not any more differently than the rest.<br />
My suggestion is that you give your husband all the space in the world.If your a great wife like i assume you are then im pretty sure all he needs is time to sort things through.<br />
It'll be hard but try to stop texting him.Give him his space..After all it has been 19 years!! Men sometimes ask for space after a year or two.This should be understandable i would think.Take care

No matter how much you love him or how much pain you are in, do not let that make you blind or stupid. Get a lawyer now! Protect yourself. Seriously!!! Any time a man suddenly cuts you off like that, there is another woman involved. Trust me...I've been there. He will use any and every means at his disposal to mess you over in the divorce. Most likely, he was keeping up pretenses while he hid assets or found out his rights. Do not allow your feelings to make you do stupid things.

There is not much anyone can say to you at this point that will help you feel any better or miss your husband any less. The best advice I can give you is to hold on to who you are and to surround yourself with those who love you. You need time to heal and even if he does come back, the wound he has inflicted will still be there and your trust in him and your relationship will have to be rebuilt, with time. <br />
I pray God will bless you and your family and mend the tear in your heart.

you may want to check goddessone's stories. There is a lot of it what happened to her and responses and suggestions etc.

I hope there is some reason behind this so if you love him ...find out... don't leave him alone.<br />
after 19.5 its easy to be alone...so find out what is reason...behind is silence.

I'm guessing he is going through some contemplating his life stage. What his purpose in life is and all that stuff we all eventually go through at some stage. Let him know you will be there, don't hold your breath and by all means do not wait by the phone. Use this opportunity to do the things you gave up or to take up something new. Eventually, he will either come back to you or you will meet someone else. I can understand him thinking he just wants to be alone. I am in that same space. I can't leave my kids dad right now, because they are young and it's best for us here. I just know that he is not the one I belong with, and I don't think I belong with anyone in particular. My freedom is very important to me, and for now, I am sacrifcing that for my boys. Maybe he just feels the need to do his own thing. If you really love him, let him be and don't pester him. He will grow further from you if you do that. I hope that helps. Or, maybe he is gay and doesn't know how to come out or tell you.. Whatever it is... he's trying to work through it and it's something he needs to do alone. I'm sure he loves you very much and always will..not matter what happens. Just be strong, and hang in there.

well first let me start by saying that im deeply sorry for what is going on in your life at this moment.<br />
Its kinda weird that he wont tell you "why" he has left<br />
and also "why" would he wake you up so early to tell you this?<br />
seems like hes hideing something maybe he did somthing that he has regreted and has been feeling guilty and before he decided to leave he tried to make it work make love try to be happy but it dident work <br />
so he left?<br />
try to paste it all together it kinda makes sence<br />
but seems like a coward to me if he was a honest man he would of told you his real reason for leaveing <br />
no just picks ups and leaves for no reason.<br />
<br />
but as for you,pray and tell god to help you out thru this hard time spend time with your kids go to lunch with a girlfriend try to relax a lil.give him some time and then call him he cant leave just like that and leaving you guessing what happend.good luck <br />
if you need any other advise feel free to message me -jazmin

He's definately seeing someone else

It's possible that his deep wounds have nothing to do with you at all. He may be facing things from his childhood that he has never dealt with. Another thing, don't be surprised if it is not another woman at all, but a man.

on 09/9/2009 my husband came home packed a bag and said he was going to ztay with his mother, on 15/9/2009 he came to tell me he wanted a divorce after 12 years of marriage because he wants his life back and his freedom, i am on antidepressants , have lost so much weight and feel destroyed, - he`s drinkung again, smoking again, he has been gambling behind my back and all our savings are gone and i found out there`s another woman , he`s sending me divorce papers. all i know is that you never really know a person it seems and my trust was shattered, i feel broken. i feel for you with every cell in my body, i send you love and hug you tight. i hope that maybe a few years down the line - karma will give him what he deserves.

Hi as a husband who has/had his fair share of problems to say the least with his wife and having heard what happened with you I will tell what I know for sure only,<br />
<br />
For sure:<br />
<br />
-this has been brewing for a long time in his head and making him miserable to a point that he took such action. what he did is very difficult to do. he closed his eyes and jumped as a last resort.<br />
<br />
-He has not changed over the years but his mental condition has and that is something he cannot do much about. he has to choose between misery and peace of mind. <br />
<br />
-Nobody but him knows why he did it, all speculation is probably a waste of time.<br />
<br />
- You are in the right by the way your are reacting which is very normal. you cannot expect to jump of joy in this case and yes you will suffer.<br />
<br />
- You are as some of the replies implied taking this scenario and extrapolating it to eternity as part of you thinks this could be it. you have no guarantees about that.<br />
<br />
next step? you find a way to gather yourself, put your brain back into thinking mode and try to deal with this technically. put emotions aside and say I will be smart about this. <br />
Now how can you be smart? well to my knowledge women in general are not innocent when it comes to men specially when they are young. later in life they might forget how to manipulate a man. all women have an inner ability to manipulate if they want. <br />
So at this critical stage you have to be a ***** and a real hard one and figure out a way, maybe by ignoring him or letting him think you have gone out on a date, you women know this stuff. You have to appear strong like you did when you were a teenager teasing boys and making them suffer. <br />
<br />
You have to use the inner powerful force that you as a woman have developed as a specie during evolution. if you act weak you are dead and if he comes back he will walk all over you...........just a thought.....

I am so sorry for your pain. I, along with so many here, have been where you are too. The only difference, I was 22 and pregnant with our 2nd daughter. Pure hell is how I explain that time in my life. And yet, as hellish as it was, it was always one of my favourite times. I learnt so much about me and my deep faith in God. I do't know if your religious in any way and it's not my intention to push it here. All I am saying is that for me, I needed answers and I really believe I got them from God. <br />
If I can offer any advice for you... I know others have said it, but for the sake of your own health, look after you. Eat, sleep and do what you can to protect yourself. Don't deny yourself the right to be hurt. Anger and sadness are only a few of the emotions you will experience right now. Feel them.... right down to your very core and scream out in pain (get a pillow and cover your face if need be). Your sadness needs to come to the surface for you to truly pour out the old you an give room for the new you. Over time you will marvel at who YOU are. I'll bet you don't really know right now ;) <br />
Hang in there and know you have my prayers xoxo

I had the similar experience. I firmly believe he has been seeing someone else. And avoid live contact with you is due to his guilt. However, its not completely hopeless. Just give it a few months time, no more than 10 months though. Figure what actually caused this thing happened. like why would he feel trapped and seeking comfort from other chic. I know it hurts so bad. there was a point i was crying in the bathroom while sitting on the floor speaking to the wall about my grief. It was like a nervous breakdown. But Most important thing is , you need to be strong , focus on your kids. They deserve your love and they need you very much, take care, may the force be with you.

Sad that men do this but all one can suggest is you have to find out what's going on. My guess is he has found someone on the side and wanted a clean break. Since he won't talk to you you'll have to get your information filtered thru the children. Either that or pay a PI for a couple of days work tailing him to find out the truth. You hadn't addressed it but how do the children seem to be handling it and how are they reacting?

Thinking about you today. Hoping things are clearer and you are stronger.

I agree with those who suggest he is having an affair. People dont usually leave a good marriage unless their nests are feathered. My husband crapped on about just needing space etc and that perhaps we could live next door to each other for the child etc. I was 5 months pregnant and it still didnt stop him from leaving or cheating on me for months and denying the whole this cos he didnt want to look bad to our friends. The worst thing is getting to know who YOU are again and what YOU want to do with you life. You will feel like being a victim but dont give him the gratification. He doesnt give a dam about you anymore and their is nothing you can do to change this unfortunately. He loved you once but as soom as the tap is turned off unfortunately most of the time thats it!

notready4this,<br />
<br />
[Now, I guess the whole "how was I the last to know" situation is true here. Less than a week before he told me he loved me. We made love frequently, laughed, had a great life, were reaching the point where things get easier, with grown kids, a beautiful home, a cottage. He told people he was "the luckiest man on earth", everyone who knew us would say that we always had fun and were a great couple. I agree, we were.....so, what happened?]<br />
<br />
I am deeply moved by your story and feel, though I have no experience in marriage, that perhaps I can help you<br />
with your situation in a manner of speaking + + +<br />
<br />
I was born with BiPolar and wasn't diagnosed with it until<br />
after my 21st birthday. The reason I am telling you this is <br />
because the actions your husband took in the story mirror<br />
my own before I was treated. He may have "mood issues".<br />
<br />
[Now, he will not speak to me unless it is via text message or through our children. He will not go to counseling. He says he needs time and space to "heal deep wounds".]<br />
<br />
My humble suggestion is to give him the space he needs,<br />
but pray for God to guide and help and heal him. <br />
Pray without ceasing for him to respond to God's leading.<br />
By doing this you allow God to work and heal you, also.<br />
<br />
Isaiah 65:24<br />
<br />
Romans 8:28<br />
<br />
Psalm 145:15 - 16<br />
<br />
<br />
[...my heart is so broken I am not sure I will get over this. ] <br />
Start by changing your heart, believe this is temporary...<br />
<br />
Philippians 1:6<br />
<br />
Galatians 6:9<br />
<br />
[I have never done anything to cause deep wounds???] <br />
[I want to fix this!] <br />
[He moves into his own apartment this week, and it is killing me. I miss him so much.]<br />
I just want you to know that these are 'Guilt Phrases'<br />
You didn't do this! End feeling guilty; the devil is doing this!<br />
Do Your Best-to cope- and Let God Do The Rest!<br />
<br />
James 4:7<br />
<br />
Romans 8:31<br />
<br />
Psalms 147:3<br />
<br />
[He says he thinks he is better off alone. I need to understand...and get back together. ]<br />
[I am so devastated, and finding it hard to sleep, eat, and function.]<br />
Maybe he is right-for now, assume he is-... you are right,<br />
you need answers and closure- Jesus is that line to God,<br />
feel free to tell him everything! Jesus died everyone's sin!<br />
You belong to Jesus- Tell it all to Jesus! <br />
<br />
John 5:24. <br />
<br />
Philippians 4:6-7<br />
<br />
Corinthians 1:3-4<br />
<br />
May God Bless You Abundantly!<br />
Your Friend in Christ Jesus,<br />
Karyn Ferver

Hi. I think NeverEndingStory gave you the best piece of advice there is in the market. <br />
<br />
Now, if you wanto to hear the male perspective -which is my specialty-, I'd be glad to share it with you. Now remeber that each person and each case is different, so bear this in mind.i<br />
<br />
Having someone wake you up at 5 a.m. to tell you he's leaving means that the idea had been on his mind for quite some time. This is not something he decided out of the clear blue sky. The fact that he only wants to communicate through text messages or e-mail can be a clear indication of:<br />
<br />
1. He likes doing things the easy way and doesn't want to feel guilty about the decision he's taken, watching your hearing you cry and blaming him for what happened, etc.<br />
<br />
2. He doesn't want to be confronted directly as to the why of the split (which indicates he might be hidding something).<br />
<br />
If you really want to know the truth, confront him directly and personally. It's the only way you'll really know why he's leaving. Now, this will probably not get him back to you, because truth of the matter is he's already made up his mind but at least it will make you undertand better what are his motives.<br />
<br />
Now don't feel guilty. Usually when these things happen women tend to put the blame on themselves. My mom says: "To dance the tango, you need two". It's as mucho your fault as it is his. <br />
<br />
I won't tell you that bs that everyone says: "you'll get over it, get on with your life, etc". It's f-ucking hard and it will take some time for you to get over it. How much time??? Only God knows. It can be a few months or a few years. Just don't give up on yourself or your kids. Meet new people. Got to a spa. Keep yourself busy and motivated. <br />
<br />
Like the old saying goes: "If you love someone, let her/him go. If he/she comes back, she/he was always yours. If he she doesn't, he/she never was".

Dear Friend,<br />
<br />
I am so very sorry for your pain. I know it sounds cliche, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. After 20 years, the shock must be amazing. I wish there was a pill I could prescribe for you or a book I could suggest, but there isn't. The reality is that you will ride a tidal wave of emotions that run the gambit. Be sure to true to yourself. <br />
<br />
After 7 years, my husband told me he was moving out. I was totally blown away. I wasted 2 more years after that waiting for him to come back only to hear through the grapevine that he was remarried and expecting a new child with someone else. Initially, I didn't think I would ever love again. Instead, I found an amazing therapist and openly shared my pain with loving friends and family. <br />
<br />
It took some time, but the pain eventually subsided. In fact, I found hope and knew that I could love and be loved again. Now, I'm remarried to an amazing man that is even better in every way. <br />
<br />
If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be happily married, in love and loving the life I live, I would have told you that you were a crazy person. It did happen. It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it was a very bumpy ride, but I'm living proof it was not all for naught.

notready4this,<br />
<br />
i hope you are okay... by now you may have figured out that you have entered 'The Twilight Zone'. lots of good people have responded to you with good advice in each one. just remember that this is 'YOUR' story and your life. get good support, advice and take care of yourself. hopefully you are getting your land legs after having the wind knocked out of you. it just sucks! all the way around and i really am sorry for your pain. you know, you think we would have grown as humans and be able to be honest, especially with our spouse, EVEN if it is bad news. in the end the truth always comes out anyhow.

hi dear friend,<br />
every one have told their suggestions it may be good or bad but every one surely wants you to be happy and peacefull. all their suggestions may be from their experience, but i would tell you to take the best out of it. bcoz it is ur life and u r the one who i going to live it. if it is a happy moment u r the one to enjoy it, and if it is a painful moment u r the one to endure it. but befor every thing try to understand one thing,in your 24 yrs of love life, you have showered enormous amount of unconditional love towards him. surely it will come back to you. may be form your husband or u may get some one for whom u mean everything. <br />
these could be the possible reason for which ur husband is moving away from u:-<br />
1. u have recalled him saying that he loves u, so something could've gone wrong in the last 6 days of your separation. some thing has happened that makes him feel that he is unfit for your love and affection. <br />
2. he would've done something that makes him guilty and prevents him from coming to u.<br />
3. he may be having some serious problem, some medical issues that he feels it is safe and secure for you and your kids if he is away from u.<br />
4.sorry to say this - he might have met another woman who maybe the reason beyond all these. but the possibility for this is low as he was happy with u 6 days before. i dnt think a woman can do these many change in a man (who loved his wife and family so much for morethan 20 yrs) just 6 days. so the chances for this is very low unless he had another secret affair for a long time.<br />
5. may be he has devoleped a kind of inferiority complex which makes him feel low about himself and he hesitates to speak with others.<br />
6. you have also mentioned that he is not ready for a councelling session, so that gives a info that something bad might hve happened that he is ashamed to reveal. he feels bad to share it even with his otherhalf (you). he is very much aware that if he comes for a councelling session he have to tell the truth. <br />
7. he may not be living a true life with u, he was living a false life of pretending to be happy with u and all that so far, and now he cant continue that any more and decided to move away .<br />
8. he may be under seroius problem or pressure and he knows the fact that people aroud him may b in trouble. hemay be more concerned about your safety and security and decided to move apart.<br />
TRY THESE OUT TO THE MAXIMUM EXTEND POSSIBLE:-<br />
1. try to find a person who is very close to u and him, may his friend in office or his any other friend who can tell the truth about him. but make sure the person is TRUSTWORTHY and REALLY WANTS TO HELP U..!<br />
2. try to find the true reason for what he is going away. so that we can find a way to fix it out. definitly there should be atleast one soul who should know this and who should be ready help u, find that person.<br />
3. iam sure u r more concerned about this and u want to live with him, so u have to sail on this tough time and strongly believe that this tough time is not going to last long.<br />
4. belive that god has given you this time to reveal your husband that the world, how true your love is and may be through u he is teaching some one how to love.<br />
5. eat well and drink more water, you need more energy this time than anytime else in your life. bcoz dont forget that other than u and him u have your kids who need more attention than any one else. IF ANY THING HAPPENS TO U THEY WILL BE WITHOUT SUPPORT AND MAY AFFECT THEIR HAPPY FUTURE. make sure they are in comfort zone to the maximum extend. you can also leave them in your moms home if needed until these things get over.<br />
6. try to get information about him ie, if there is anything wrong happened in the near past. <br />
try to find that root cause only then u can take correct decision.<br />
<br />
BUT PLS MAKE IT ASAP, AS IT MAY AFFECT YOUR KIDS. GET RADY FOR ANYTHING. <br />
"WHAT EVER HAPPENED, DID HAPPEN FOR GOOD.<br />
WHAT EVER HAPPENING, IS HAPPENING FOR GOOD,<br />
WHAT EVER WILL HAPPEN, WILL HAPPEN FOR GOOD.<br />
<br />
WHAT DID U BRING TO THIS WORLD, TO LOOSE IT?<br />
WHAT EVER U GOT IS TAKEN FROM GOD,<br />
WHAT EVER U LOST IS GIVEN BACK TO GOD,<br />
SO DONT FEEL FOR WAT EVER HAPPENS... <br />
<br />
NO ONE CAN GIVE U WHAT GOD HAS FORBIDDEN FOR U,<br />
NO ONE CAN STOP U FROM GETTING WHAT U RIGHTFULLY DESERVE FROM GOD<br />
<br />
DONT THINK YOUR LIFE IS ONLY THAT ONE PERSON, <br />
YOUR LIFE WILL BE HAVING SOME REASON, U R GIVEN THE LIFE TO ACCOMPLISH IT. <br />
<br />
I PRAY GOD ON BEHALF OF U.. LET GOD GIVE U PEACE AND HAPPINESS IN YOURLIFE.<br />
I WISH THE HAPPINESS OMES BACK TO UR LIFE AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.<br />
EAT WELL DRINK MORE WATER BEFOR SLEEP. UNTIL THINGS GET IN TO SHAPE TRY TO CONCENTRATE ON SOMETHING, AFTER ALL UR MIND NEED SOME REST, ONLY THEN IT CAN PREPARE TO MAKE RIGHT DECISION... "<br />
<br />
TAKE CARE FRIEND.. hope i have given some good suggestion to u.. <br />
all the best.. u'll surely get the good fruit god has kept for u..

Yes, I know what this experience feels like, my husband of 13 years started to get moody, distant and started drinking more frequently. He started going out for work related evenings with colleagues and when i asked him anything about these nights out he was very sketchy about the details.<br />
It made me very insecure especially when he was so moody and finding fault in things I was doing. He took no interest whatsoever in what I was thinking or feeling, It was like he turned off when he walked in the door. The weekends were especially tough, he would watch TV or play computer games. He said he was tired or stressed from work. He played on my understanding and compassionate side big time.<br />
If there was a confrontation about it he would be verbally abusive towards me so we never really got to the heart of the matter. Afterwards he would be apologetic, but we still never got to talk about things as I was afraid he would over react again. One week end he went out for a work night and the next day I asked him about it, he said it was all lads there. I checked his phone and it was to a girl in work asking her how was her head after the night before! I confronted him about it and he blew a fuse and ran out of the house and into his car. I was left feeling very upset and betrayed. He made me feel like I was a piece of garbage that could be discarded at a moments notice. He had no respect for my feelings, or my child's welfare in all this drama.<br />
It turned out he had a very close relationship at work with this woman, but I don't think it was ever physical. I lost all trust in him that day and things went downhill from there. He is gone from the house for 14months now and I am finally beginning to feel like my 'normal' self again, not a neurotic, jealous wreck, which is what he made me feel like. Time heals all wounds, give yourself that time and get involved in outside interests and company. Phone people, go to church, meditate and eat what you like when you like. Life can be great when you don't have to deal with someone else's issues anymore. Also my husband had mother issues, he had never faced up to his bullying mother, and was making me pay for her bad parenting. Be on the lookout for that, that can be very prevalent among middle aged men unfortunately! Good luck and God bless.

Oh how I feel for you. I would be devastated if it were me. But, here's the bad news: I think there's someone else. When men say they "need space", there's always someone else. Especially after 24 years.<br />
<br />
I hope I don't sound glib, I'm trying to be clear and, hopefully, helpful. One of two things will happen: he'll stay with her or he'll come back to you. The latter is much more likely, especially if you can find the inner strength not to crumble and to hold your head up. Gosh, I do sound so glib. <br />
<br />
I do wish you every ounce of strength, luck, health and karma as you battle this.

heal deep wounds?? ... It seems you and him are connected on surface only... not on his or your deep inner core... maybe he has a sexual fantasy or feeling of condemnation from him/you, or trying to make you happy instead of himself, or not connected to you at his inner core, not being able to Control you in everything, or you cannot love him in everything you have to offer...?? Especially if another woman is willing to Surrender to him more than you do ... <br />
Google it: <br />
Taken in Hand<br />
60 Minutes Australia Under the thumb<br />
Surrendered Wife - Laura Doyle<br />
Just **** Me! - What Women Want Men to Know about Taking Control in the Bedroom<br />
<br />
obvious there is something you don't know about him and maybe you don't know him deep enough, or you don't want to know everything about him?? If you leave space between him and you, then he will do the same, ... and the space grows bigger and bigger, until ...

I'm sorry to hear of your pain. A great therapist will help sort things out. Don't go it alone. You have a long road ahead of you, and you will want to be well for what life has just thrown at you.

Give some times...for him, and for yourself.<br />
<br />
It seems to me that there are many questions that need to be answered.<br />
However I find that the truths are normally revealed in a person's action, not his words.<br />
<br />
This is going to be a challenging time in your life and you must look after yourself.<br />
Since your husband has already moved out, instead of viewing it as a sign of rejection, perhaps you could use this opportunity to rediscover yourself. To examine the dynamics of your relationship and really see things as how they are. Sometimes we are in a relationship for so long we have become insensitized to changes.<br />
We have become oblivious to signs of change.<br />
<br />
Surround yourself with the support and love of your family and friends right now. As this is a transitional and emotionally uncertain stage in your life.<br />
It's frightening.<br />
But I can tell from reading your story that you will be able to experience something positive in the end because by sharing your story, you have taken the first step of paying attention and asking questions.<br />
It's the beginning of an important journey.<br />
<br />
I wish you all the best.<br />
<br />
Lots of love<br />
Ash

Ok. Now shut up and listen ladies. I am the guy that tells the wife after 22 years he is leaving. It isn't a mid-life crisis, (unless you married a little boy, this is the stupidest excuse I have ever heard) and it is not another woman. I don't want another woman, but I don't have a choice Either I leave or I lose my mind.<br />
God will not fix it and quit thinking that it is something that a "long chat" or "better communication" will solve. It is beyond that....way beyond that. <br />
<br />
THink about it. He has been with you for 20 plus years. You think he hasn't tried to talk about it a few hundred times? Do you really think this just started yesterday? But you know what he heard? He head the same basic answer every time. And he realised that she does not get it and she never will. For the same reason that I can not teach my dog algebra, I can not get through to my wife. Her upbringing, her attitude, her morals, her reality, all contribute to her knowledge and view of the world. I completely understand her world and for the sake of our children, I will live in her world. That's why you hear comments like "we had a wonderful life together", "we were so happy"and my personal favourite "how was I the last to know" You didn't know anything and how could you know? It way beyond your realm of understanding.<br />
<br />
For example, there is no "it " ladies. "It" is what happens when 20 or 30 issues come to a head and it is such a complicated mess to unravel, that we end up calling the resulting feeling of frustration and disappointment "it". He probably spent a good portion of the last 20 years tackling at least half of these issues but at this point has come to the conclusion that "some will change but some will not." Now the kids are gone and everything changes, what a surprise.<br />
<br />
You really want to do something about it? Or do you just want the get things "back the way they were?" He knows everything about your world. Now you have to find out about his. I order to understand his world, you may have to question a lot of things you believe are true, things your mother told you, your father told you, your church, your morals etc. There is a good chance that you just dont want to go there. You like your beliefs, you like yourself. OK. So be it then. Good for you. But don't complain that he is gone. <br />
<br />
If you understand and acknowledge his world, the ways he has accepted your world for the last 20 years, then you can live together. With mutual respect and love. He doesn't want to leave, he doesn't want to start over, he loves you and has proven it.<br />
<br />
If your head it spinning right now, then you have a chance. If you are thinking "this guy (me) it an a--hole" or "what a selfish person" or "mid-life crisis" Then just let him go.

thank you for the honesty. all women should read this and try to get it.

I went through the same thing 2 months ago with my wife. She moved into her own apartment on Saturday the following week. That was the 4th of July. The following Saturday night she spent in a diferent town with a married man. When they returned homw on Sunday evening, his wife threw him out of the house. He promptly moved in with her. He now tells everyone that she is the first woman that he's ever truely loved. He was married to his former wife for 40 years, I was married for 29 years. I was also told by her that they never had any relationship before the first time they went away together. They just drove 150 miles, stayed overnight and had dinner just to talk....BULLSHIT. I've gone through the past 2 months crying my heart out and missing her. Finally things turned around today. I had 2 different women ask me about me being seperated and if I'd like to go out sometime. Sure, they aren't the woman that I had loved for over 30 years, but life must go on. Incidently, I failed at not one, but two attempts at suicide, one drug overdose and once I locke myself in the garage with my truck running. One of the women that asked me out is a friend that had called to see if I was alright and talked me out of it. I'm 53 years old and found out that there are other people who actually care. Hang in there. It's hard, but God will help through other people if given the chance.

Warning .. I may offend some people by this...<br />
<br />
I find itreally hard to believe any man or woman would walk away from a marriage without warning signs. I for one who has a wife who is in total denial that we have problems. They are problems that are now not repairable. It may take me a few years... but I am lining my ducks in a row... and going to do the same thing to my wife of 33 years. BTW... my anniversary is tomorrow.<br />
Tomorrow will go totally unobserved like any other day. <br />
I truely believe when it happens... she too will say; she never saw it coming.

How about just trying to be honest instead of selfish. Try to imagine yourself in the other person's shoes just for a minute. Don't pretend, if it's not working end it now instead of keeping up the charade. In the end it's just bad karma you are attracting to yourself.

Hmmm this man is not being honest with you... there will be a female at the end of his silence....<br />
<br />
My suggestion would be to write everything you thought your relationship with him was (in a letter to him) and how you felt with him over the years and how you were feeling right up to the time he said goodbye and how you are feeling now.... <br />
<br />
When you have finished dont post it....yet...just sit on it a while until more truth reveals itself...it will...be patient...<br />
<br />
If it gets to him wanting a divorce...send him your letter along with this one....(if you decide its what you want to do of course)<br />
<br />
Story Begin ---<br />
<br />
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. <br />
<br />
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. <br />
<br />
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jewel. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! <br />
<br />
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. <br />
<br />
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take <br />
back what I had said for I loved Jewel so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. <br />
<br />
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jewel. <br />
<br />
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a <br />
month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. <br />
<br />
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. <br />
<br />
I told Jewel about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. <br />
<br />
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. <br />
<br />
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was greying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. <br />
<br />
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. <br />
<br />
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jewel about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. <br />
<br />
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. <br />
<br />
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life <br />
lacked intimacy. <br />
<br />
I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Jewel opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jewel, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home <br />
on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. <br />
<br />
Jewel seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. <br />
<br />
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.<br />
<br />
Story end ---<br />
<br />
Hope he comes to his senses and you wont have to send either letter.... Blessings and best wishes....

This made my eyes water. Inspiring!

ok... im siting here in tears.....

did you ever tell her? she deserves to know in my opinion. it sounds like all of this is a boy getting whatever he wants. I don't and never will know how someone can do that to a person. no matter how normal society displays it. it is so sad. people can truly be faithful 100%. even if they are unhappy. what on earth made you think you had a right to another women? thats disgusting to me. but I am glad it all worked out, I hope it still is. and that you both have all the intimacy, romance, and passion a relationship could give. nameste.

Great story! I am laying here in tears...

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