Why Us?

My husband of 19.5 years woke me up at 5am two weeks ago to tell me he was leaving.  We have been together for 24 years.

Now, I guess the whole "how was I the last to know" situation is true here.  Less than a week before he told me he loved me.  We made love frequently, laughed, had a great life, were reaching the point where things get easier, with grown kids, a beautiful home, a cottage.  He told people he was "the luckiest man on earth", everyone who knew us would say that we always had fun and were a great couple.  I agree, we were.....so, what happened?

I love him completely, and my heart is so broken I am not sure I will get over this.  I have always loved him and our life together.  We are both fit, healthy and enjoy the same things.  We discussed our future regularly.

Now, he will not speak to me unless it is via text message or through our children.  He will not go to counseling.  He says he needs time and space to "heal deep wounds".  I have never done anything to cause deep wounds???  I am trying not to contact him, but I feel the need to communicate, to understand.  AND, I want to fix this and get back together.  He says he is not with anyone else, and thinks he is better off alone.  He moves into his own apartment this week, and it is killing me.  I miss him so much.

Does anyone have any ideas, insights, understanding of how this could happen?  I am so devastated, and finding it hard to sleep, eat, and function.

notready4this notready4this
69 Responses Jul 30, 2009

jingonetties has it right. I'm far from getting married but I can see this in my mother. Luckily it is not so severe that it overlooks great issues. Anyone in this situation please read what he's written carefully. It is harsh, difficult, and daunting but it is what must be done.

i also liked that advice. i feel that successful relationships depend on this type of agreement with a partner. not only is the woman's world and paradigm important, but she can't forget her husband's world and paradigms are also and quite often different from her own. taking some time out to really appreciate and learn about my partners' world is saving our relationship. no, everything is NOT fixed yet, but we are working on it and admitting to ourselves and each other just what went wrong. ppl really do need to LISTEN to each other, not just demand *togetherness* in all aspects.

Hi<br />
<br />
Cry as much as you need to. It helps you to get rid of the anger. It also helps to try and see if you can get some answers from yo hubby. I dont know how but i think he's been seeing someone on the side. I have learned that when a man says things like that its because he's seeing someone else and likewise for a woman. I hope its not one of your close friends or someone you know.<br />
<br />
How do u tell the heart to stop feeling or loving? how do u get rid of the feelings, times and memories you shared? its difficult and i pray u make it through in one piece. just be strong and move forward with the knowledge that it'll be hard. take it one day at a time

Why You? Why not You? It sounds harsh, very harsh, bu statistically speaking the chance of a divorce happening to anyone nowadays is 50%.<br />
I was reading an article recently where a psychologist explained that people want different qualities in their partner at different stages in their lives. When you are 20, 40, 60, your idea of a partner might be different. Of course this does not apply to everybody, but it seems it applies to your husband.<br />
As I read your story it is clear that you went through a lot in life together, raising up kids and trying to create financial stability. While going through these experiences, even though you said both of you enjoyed similar things and hobbies, most likely his mindset was different than yours. Maybe as years passed he started to love you more and more as a friend and the romance was vanishing gradually. Maybe he wanted to improve, experience and learn new things that are available only living on his own.<br />
Maybe he figured out that he was living a life that was not "his", but was a fake one for him.<br />
Maybe he he just thought he wanted to fall in love again. <br />
It's only him who knows it, and maybe you will never find the true reasons and you will have to accept it.<br />
Try to keep going this pain as fast as you can and suffer as fast and as quickly as possible, because the longer you think about the why-s, the longer pain will be part of your days.<br />
Try to start also new things in your life, things you never did before. If you never took Yoga, do yoga, If you never surfed, try it. Try to write something, that helps a lot when you can express yourself on a paper. <br />
Don't forget that when a door closes another one opens, and now you have to embrace a new chapter in your life, even though it starts painfully. Try to look for that other door sooner rather than later and open it as soon as you can and willing.<br />
Life doesn't end here and you have to be strong. Not only for yourself but for your kids as well.<br />
Do some soul searching and try to learn more about yourself. At the end it will benefit you, believe me.<br />
I wish you all the best to you and I truly hope you will speed up this painful chapter for your own good.

I'm very impressed with some of the advice given. <br />
<br />
After 24 years of marriage and 4 children, my husband left. In hind sight, he was setting himself up for months, probably years. I saw it, I felt it, but didn't want to believe it. I was in denial and kept thinking a miracle would happen! How foolish I was. I had become half the woman I used to be and felt like I was living in quicksand because of his lies, infedelity and deceitfulness. <br />
<br />
I had a chance to call it quits the first time he left, instead, he decided one night that he wanted back in, and while I was out with the kids, he bought groceries, came in the house and started making dinner...thereby, reclaiming his position in the family. Although I was very upset about what he did, I felt I had no recourse since the law allows that to happen and after a few days, decided to make the best of the idea. The relationship continued to go down hill from there. When trust is gone within a relationship, only the outer shell and superficial tolerance is left. <br />
<br />
Luckly, I've forgotten most of the emotional hurt and humiliation I tolerated, but even so, the day he left changed my life. In some ways, I know that I am so much better off without him , but in another, there is an empty, aching feeling that gets me every once in a while. Time does heal, but after so many years of marriage, it is not easy to radicate yourself and start anew. <br />
<br />
Because there are kids involved, there is ALWAYS some contact with the other spouse..it's like a sore that keeps oozing. I'm trying so hard not to care or be jealous of the new girlfriend in the picture, but curiosity and self pity manages to creep in. Overall, I'm doing quite well and everyday I feel emotionally stronger, but special occasions have become a chore, it feels like there is an undercurrent with the kids avoiding to let me know things about their dad and he about me, the kids have to balance their time and attention between us and having to make all major decisions alone sometimes sucks.<br />
<br />
There is no quick fix. It's a mourning process that has to be lived, experienced and dealt with head on. Some days early on I found it difficult even to go grocery shopping. I would drive all the way to the store and not have the physical energy to get out of the car so I would drive back home again. Slowly, I started taking baby steps and today feel much more positive about myself and what I want out of life. My advice to anyone who is hurting, it's ok, you deserve to cry, punch a pillow, feel down.....but also, take baby steps to do little things for yourself and you will see that slowly, day by day a new door does open. Good luck and best wishes.

How are you doing?

i just joined this site and see this took place back in 2009, so I am wandering how are you now? Are things still the same or have you moved on. I am right there where you are in your marriage, mine is 25 years, so by now yours probably is too. I can offer some advice if you are still in this point in your life.

I think there's more to the story.You had no problems and had an active sex life.After 19 years of marraige if a man hasnt left they generally dont.<br />
I assume its probaly another woman or he's going through a midlife crisis.I dont recomend that you lose your head over it.These things have happened several times.Your story is sad but not any more differently than the rest.<br />
My suggestion is that you give your husband all the space in the world.If your a great wife like i assume you are then im pretty sure all he needs is time to sort things through.<br />
It'll be hard but try to stop texting him.Give him his space..After all it has been 19 years!! Men sometimes ask for space after a year or two.This should be understandable i would think.Take care

No matter how much you love him or how much pain you are in, do not let that make you blind or stupid. Get a lawyer now! Protect yourself. Seriously!!! Any time a man suddenly cuts you off like that, there is another woman involved. Trust me...I've been there. He will use any and every means at his disposal to mess you over in the divorce. Most likely, he was keeping up pretenses while he hid assets or found out his rights. Do not allow your feelings to make you do stupid things.

There is not much anyone can say to you at this point that will help you feel any better or miss your husband any less. The best advice I can give you is to hold on to who you are and to surround yourself with those who love you. You need time to heal and even if he does come back, the wound he has inflicted will still be there and your trust in him and your relationship will have to be rebuilt, with time. <br />
I pray God will bless you and your family and mend the tear in your heart.

you may want to check goddessone's stories. There is a lot of it what happened to her and responses and suggestions etc.

I hope there is some reason behind this so if you love him ...find out... don't leave him alone.<br />
after 19.5 its easy to be alone...so find out what is reason...behind is silence.

It's possible that his deep wounds have nothing to do with you at all. He may be facing things from his childhood that he has never dealt with. Another thing, don't be surprised if it is not another woman at all, but a man.

on 09/9/2009 my husband came home packed a bag and said he was going to ztay with his mother, on 15/9/2009 he came to tell me he wanted a divorce after 12 years of marriage because he wants his life back and his freedom, i am on antidepressants , have lost so much weight and feel destroyed, - he`s drinkung again, smoking again, he has been gambling behind my back and all our savings are gone and i found out there`s another woman , he`s sending me divorce papers. all i know is that you never really know a person it seems and my trust was shattered, i feel broken. i feel for you with every cell in my body, i send you love and hug you tight. i hope that maybe a few years down the line - karma will give him what he deserves.

Hi as a husband who has/had his fair share of problems to say the least with his wife and having heard what happened with you I will tell what I know for sure only,<br />
<br />
For sure:<br />
<br />
-this has been brewing for a long time in his head and making him miserable to a point that he took such action. what he did is very difficult to do. he closed his eyes and jumped as a last resort.<br />
<br />
-He has not changed over the years but his mental condition has and that is something he cannot do much about. he has to choose between misery and peace of mind. <br />
<br />
-Nobody but him knows why he did it, all speculation is probably a waste of time.<br />
<br />
- You are in the right by the way your are reacting which is very normal. you cannot expect to jump of joy in this case and yes you will suffer.<br />
<br />
- You are as some of the replies implied taking this scenario and extrapolating it to eternity as part of you thinks this could be it. you have no guarantees about that.<br />
<br />
next step? you find a way to gather yourself, put your brain back into thinking mode and try to deal with this technically. put emotions aside and say I will be smart about this. <br />
Now how can you be smart? well to my knowledge women in general are not innocent when it comes to men specially when they are young. later in life they might forget how to manipulate a man. all women have an inner ability to manipulate if they want. <br />
So at this critical stage you have to be a ***** and a real hard one and figure out a way, maybe by ignoring him or letting him think you have gone out on a date, you women know this stuff. You have to appear strong like you did when you were a teenager teasing boys and making them suffer. <br />
<br />
You have to use the inner powerful force that you as a woman have developed as a specie during evolution. if you act weak you are dead and if he comes back he will walk all over you...........just a thought.....

I am so sorry for your pain. I, along with so many here, have been where you are too. The only difference, I was 22 and pregnant with our 2nd daughter. Pure hell is how I explain that time in my life. And yet, as hellish as it was, it was always one of my favourite times. I learnt so much about me and my deep faith in God. I do't know if your religious in any way and it's not my intention to push it here. All I am saying is that for me, I needed answers and I really believe I got them from God. <br />
If I can offer any advice for you... I know others have said it, but for the sake of your own health, look after you. Eat, sleep and do what you can to protect yourself. Don't deny yourself the right to be hurt. Anger and sadness are only a few of the emotions you will experience right now. Feel them.... right down to your very core and scream out in pain (get a pillow and cover your face if need be). Your sadness needs to come to the surface for you to truly pour out the old you an give room for the new you. Over time you will marvel at who YOU are. I'll bet you don't really know right now ;) <br />
Hang in there and know you have my prayers xoxo

I had the similar experience. I firmly believe he has been seeing someone else. And avoid live contact with you is due to his guilt. However, its not completely hopeless. Just give it a few months time, no more than 10 months though. Figure what actually caused this thing happened. like why would he feel trapped and seeking comfort from other chic. I know it hurts so bad. there was a point i was crying in the bathroom while sitting on the floor speaking to the wall about my grief. It was like a nervous breakdown. But Most important thing is , you need to be strong , focus on your kids. They deserve your love and they need you very much, take care, may the force be with you.

Thinking about you today. Hoping things are clearer and you are stronger.

I agree with those who suggest he is having an affair. People dont usually leave a good marriage unless their nests are feathered. My husband crapped on about just needing space etc and that perhaps we could live next door to each other for the child etc. I was 5 months pregnant and it still didnt stop him from leaving or cheating on me for months and denying the whole this cos he didnt want to look bad to our friends. The worst thing is getting to know who YOU are again and what YOU want to do with you life. You will feel like being a victim but dont give him the gratification. He doesnt give a dam about you anymore and their is nothing you can do to change this unfortunately. He loved you once but as soom as the tap is turned off unfortunately most of the time thats it!

notready4this,<br />
<br />
[Now, I guess the whole "how was I the last to know" situation is true here. Less than a week before he told me he loved me. We made love frequently, laughed, had a great life, were reaching the point where things get easier, with grown kids, a beautiful home, a cottage. He told people he was "the luckiest man on earth", everyone who knew us would say that we always had fun and were a great couple. I agree, we were.....so, what happened?]<br />
<br />
I am deeply moved by your story and feel, though I have no experience in marriage, that perhaps I can help you<br />
with your situation in a manner of speaking + + +<br />
<br />
I was born with BiPolar and wasn't diagnosed with it until<br />
after my 21st birthday. The reason I am telling you this is <br />
because the actions your husband took in the story mirror<br />
my own before I was treated. He may have "mood issues".<br />
<br />
[Now, he will not speak to me unless it is via text message or through our children. He will not go to counseling. He says he needs time and space to "heal deep wounds".]<br />
<br />
My humble suggestion is to give him the space he needs,<br />
but pray for God to guide and help and heal him. <br />
Pray without ceasing for him to respond to God's leading.<br />
By doing this you allow God to work and heal you, also.<br />
<br />
Isaiah 65:24<br />
<br />
Romans 8:28<br />
<br />
Psalm 145:15 - 16<br />
<br />
<br />
[...my heart is so broken I am not sure I will get over this. ] <br />
Start by changing your heart, believe this is temporary...<br />
<br />
Philippians 1:6<br />
<br />
Galatians 6:9<br />
<br />
[I have never done anything to cause deep wounds???] <br />
[I want to fix this!] <br />
[He moves into his own apartment this week, and it is killing me. I miss him so much.]<br />
I just want you to know that these are 'Guilt Phrases'<br />
You didn't do this! End feeling guilty; the devil is doing this!<br />
Do Your Best-to cope- and Let God Do The Rest!<br />
<br />
James 4:7<br />
<br />
Romans 8:31<br />
<br />
Psalms 147:3<br />
<br />
[He says he thinks he is better off alone. I need to understand...and get back together. ]<br />
[I am so devastated, and finding it hard to sleep, eat, and function.]<br />
Maybe he is right-for now, assume he is-... you are right,<br />
you need answers and closure- Jesus is that line to God,<br />
feel free to tell him everything! Jesus died everyone's sin!<br />
You belong to Jesus- Tell it all to Jesus! <br />
<br />
John 5:24. <br />
<br />
Philippians 4:6-7<br />
<br />
Corinthians 1:3-4<br />
<br />
May God Bless You Abundantly!<br />
Your Friend in Christ Jesus,<br />
Karyn Ferver

Hi. I think NeverEndingStory gave you the best piece of advice there is in the market. <br />
<br />
Now, if you wanto to hear the male perspective -which is my specialty-, I'd be glad to share it with you. Now remeber that each person and each case is different, so bear this in mind.i<br />
<br />
Having someone wake you up at 5 a.m. to tell you he's leaving means that the idea had been on his mind for quite some time. This is not something he decided out of the clear blue sky. The fact that he only wants to communicate through text messages or e-mail can be a clear indication of:<br />
<br />
1. He likes doing things the easy way and doesn't want to feel guilty about the decision he's taken, watching your hearing you cry and blaming him for what happened, etc.<br />
<br />
2. He doesn't want to be confronted directly as to the why of the split (which indicates he might be hidding something).<br />
<br />
If you really want to know the truth, confront him directly and personally. It's the only way you'll really know why he's leaving. Now, this will probably not get him back to you, because truth of the matter is he's already made up his mind but at least it will make you undertand better what are his motives.<br />
<br />
Now don't feel guilty. Usually when these things happen women tend to put the blame on themselves. My mom says: "To dance the tango, you need two". It's as mucho your fault as it is his. <br />
<br />
I won't tell you that bs that everyone says: "you'll get over it, get on with your life, etc". It's f-ucking hard and it will take some time for you to get over it. How much time??? Only God knows. It can be a few months or a few years. Just don't give up on yourself or your kids. Meet new people. Got to a spa. Keep yourself busy and motivated. <br />
<br />
Like the old saying goes: "If you love someone, let her/him go. If he/she comes back, she/he was always yours. If he she doesn't, he/she never was".

Dear Friend,<br />
<br />
I am so very sorry for your pain. I know it sounds cliche, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. After 20 years, the shock must be amazing. I wish there was a pill I could prescribe for you or a book I could suggest, but there isn't. The reality is that you will ride a tidal wave of emotions that run the gambit. Be sure to true to yourself. <br />
<br />
After 7 years, my husband told me he was moving out. I was totally blown away. I wasted 2 more years after that waiting for him to come back only to hear through the grapevine that he was remarried and expecting a new child with someone else. Initially, I didn't think I would ever love again. Instead, I found an amazing therapist and openly shared my pain with loving friends and family. <br />
<br />
It took some time, but the pain eventually subsided. In fact, I found hope and knew that I could love and be loved again. Now, I'm remarried to an amazing man that is even better in every way. <br />
<br />
If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be happily married, in love and loving the life I live, I would have told you that you were a crazy person. It did happen. It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it was a very bumpy ride, but I'm living proof it was not all for naught.

notready4this,<br />
<br />
i hope you are okay... by now you may have figured out that you have entered 'The Twilight Zone'. lots of good people have responded to you with good advice in each one. just remember that this is 'YOUR' story and your life. get good support, advice and take care of yourself. hopefully you are getting your land legs after having the wind knocked out of you. it just sucks! all the way around and i really am sorry for your pain. you know, you think we would have grown as humans and be able to be honest, especially with our spouse, EVEN if it is bad news. in the end the truth always comes out anyhow.

hi dear friend,<br />
every one have told their suggestions it may be good or bad but every one surely wants you to be happy and peacefull. all their suggestions may be from their experience, but i would tell you to take the best out of it. bcoz it is ur life and u r the one who i going to live it. if it is a happy moment u r the one to enjoy it, and if it is a painful moment u r the one to endure it. but befor every thing try to understand one thing,in your 24 yrs of love life, you have showered enormous amount of unconditional love towards him. surely it will come back to you. may be form your husband or u may get some one for whom u mean everything. <br />
these could be the possible reason for which ur husband is moving away from u:-<br />
1. u have recalled him saying that he loves u, so something could've gone wrong in the last 6 days of your separation. some thing has happened that makes him feel that he is unfit for your love and affection. <br />
2. he would've done something that makes him guilty and prevents him from coming to u.<br />
3. he may be having some serious problem, some medical issues that he feels it is safe and secure for you and your kids if he is away from u.<br />
4.sorry to say this - he might have met another woman who maybe the reason beyond all these. but the possibility for this is low as he was happy with u 6 days before. i dnt think a woman can do these many change in a man (who loved his wife and family so much for morethan 20 yrs) just 6 days. so the chances for this is very low unless he had another secret affair for a long time.<br />
5. may be he has devoleped a kind of inferiority complex which makes him feel low about himself and he hesitates to speak with others.<br />
6. you have also mentioned that he is not ready for a councelling session, so that gives a info that something bad might hve happened that he is ashamed to reveal. he feels bad to share it even with his otherhalf (you). he is very much aware that if he comes for a councelling session he have to tell the truth. <br />
7. he may not be living a true life with u, he was living a false life of pretending to be happy with u and all that so far, and now he cant continue that any more and decided to move away .<br />
8. he may be under seroius problem or pressure and he knows the fact that people aroud him may b in trouble. hemay be more concerned about your safety and security and decided to move apart.<br />
1. try to find a person who is very close to u and him, may his friend in office or his any other friend who can tell the truth about him. but make sure the person is TRUSTWORTHY and REALLY WANTS TO HELP U..!<br />
2. try to find the true reason for what he is going away. so that we can find a way to fix it out. definitly there should be atleast one soul who should know this and who should be ready help u, find that person.<br />
3. iam sure u r more concerned about this and u want to live with him, so u have to sail on this tough time and strongly believe that this tough time is not going to last long.<br />
4. belive that god has given you this time to reveal your husband that the world, how true your love is and may be through u he is teaching some one how to love.<br />
5. eat well and drink more water, you need more energy this time than anytime else in your life. bcoz dont forget that other than u and him u have your kids who need more attention than any one else. IF ANY THING HAPPENS TO U THEY WILL BE WITHOUT SUPPORT AND MAY AFFECT THEIR HAPPY FUTURE. make sure they are in comfort zone to the maximum extend. you can also leave them in your moms home if needed until these things get over.<br />
6. try to get information about him ie, if there is anything wrong happened in the near past. <br />
try to find that root cause only then u can take correct decision.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
TAKE CARE FRIEND.. hope i have given some good suggestion to u.. <br />
all the best.. u'll surely get the good fruit god has kept for u..

Yes, I know what this experience feels like, my husband of 13 years started to get moody, distant and started drinking more frequently. He started going out for work related evenings with colleagues and when i asked him anything about these nights out he was very sketchy about the details.<br />
It made me very insecure especially when he was so moody and finding fault in things I was doing. He took no interest whatsoever in what I was thinking or feeling, It was like he turned off when he walked in the door. The weekends were especially tough, he would watch TV or play computer games. He said he was tired or stressed from work. He played on my understanding and compassionate side big time.<br />
If there was a confrontation about it he would be verbally abusive towards me so we never really got to the heart of the matter. Afterwards he would be apologetic, but we still never got to talk about things as I was afraid he would over react again. One week end he went out for a work night and the next day I asked him about it, he said it was all lads there. I checked his phone and it was to a girl in work asking her how was her head after the night before! I confronted him about it and he blew a fuse and ran out of the house and into his car. I was left feeling very upset and betrayed. He made me feel like I was a piece of garbage that could be discarded at a moments notice. He had no respect for my feelings, or my child's welfare in all this drama.<br />
It turned out he had a very close relationship at work with this woman, but I don't think it was ever physical. I lost all trust in him that day and things went downhill from there. He is gone from the house for 14months now and I am finally beginning to feel like my 'normal' self again, not a neurotic, jealous wreck, which is what he made me feel like. Time heals all wounds, give yourself that time and get involved in outside interests and company. Phone people, go to church, meditate and eat what you like when you like. Life can be great when you don't have to deal with someone else's issues anymore. Also my husband had mother issues, he had never faced up to his bullying mother, and was making me pay for her bad parenting. Be on the lookout for that, that can be very prevalent among middle aged men unfortunately! Good luck and God bless.

Oh how I feel for you. I would be devastated if it were me. But, here's the bad news: I think there's someone else. When men say they "need space", there's always someone else. Especially after 24 years.<br />
<br />
I hope I don't sound glib, I'm trying to be clear and, hopefully, helpful. One of two things will happen: he'll stay with her or he'll come back to you. The latter is much more likely, especially if you can find the inner strength not to crumble and to hold your head up. Gosh, I do sound so glib. <br />
<br />
I do wish you every ounce of strength, luck, health and karma as you battle this.

heal deep wounds?? ... It seems you and him are connected on surface only... not on his or your deep inner core... maybe he has a sexual fantasy or feeling of condemnation from him/you, or trying to make you happy instead of himself, or not connected to you at his inner core, not being able to Control you in everything, or you cannot love him in everything you have to offer...?? Especially if another woman is willing to Surrender to him more than you do ... <br />
Google it: <br />
Taken in Hand<br />
60 Minutes Australia Under the thumb<br />
Surrendered Wife - Laura Doyle<br />
Just **** Me! - What Women Want Men to Know about Taking Control in the Bedroom<br />
<br />
obvious there is something you don't know about him and maybe you don't know him deep enough, or you don't want to know everything about him?? If you leave space between him and you, then he will do the same, ... and the space grows bigger and bigger, until ...

I'm sorry to hear of your pain. A great therapist will help sort things out. Don't go it alone. You have a long road ahead of you, and you will want to be well for what life has just thrown at you.

Give some times...for him, and for yourself.<br />
<br />
It seems to me that there are many questions that need to be answered.<br />
However I find that the truths are normally revealed in a person's action, not his words.<br />
<br />
This is going to be a challenging time in your life and you must look after yourself.<br />
Since your husband has already moved out, instead of viewing it as a sign of rejection, perhaps you could use this opportunity to rediscover yourself. To examine the dynamics of your relationship and really see things as how they are. Sometimes we are in a relationship for so long we have become insensitized to changes.<br />
We have become oblivious to signs of change.<br />
<br />
Surround yourself with the support and love of your family and friends right now. As this is a transitional and emotionally uncertain stage in your life.<br />
It's frightening.<br />
But I can tell from reading your story that you will be able to experience something positive in the end because by sharing your story, you have taken the first step of paying attention and asking questions.<br />
It's the beginning of an important journey.<br />
<br />
I wish you all the best.<br />
<br />
Lots of love<br />

Ok. Now shut up and listen ladies. I am the guy that tells the wife after 22 years he is leaving. It isn't a mid-life crisis, (unless you married a little boy, this is the stupidest excuse I have ever heard) and it is not another woman. I don't want another woman, but I don't have a choice Either I leave or I lose my mind.<br />
God will not fix it and quit thinking that it is something that a "long chat" or "better communication" will solve. It is beyond that....way beyond that. <br />
<br />
THink about it. He has been with you for 20 plus years. You think he hasn't tried to talk about it a few hundred times? Do you really think this just started yesterday? But you know what he heard? He head the same basic answer every time. And he realised that she does not get it and she never will. For the same reason that I can not teach my dog algebra, I can not get through to my wife. Her upbringing, her attitude, her morals, her reality, all contribute to her knowledge and view of the world. I completely understand her world and for the sake of our children, I will live in her world. That's why you hear comments like "we had a wonderful life together", "we were so happy"and my personal favourite "how was I the last to know" You didn't know anything and how could you know? It way beyond your realm of understanding.<br />
<br />
For example, there is no "it " ladies. "It" is what happens when 20 or 30 issues come to a head and it is such a complicated mess to unravel, that we end up calling the resulting feeling of frustration and disappointment "it". He probably spent a good portion of the last 20 years tackling at least half of these issues but at this point has come to the conclusion that "some will change but some will not." Now the kids are gone and everything changes, what a surprise.<br />
<br />
You really want to do something about it? Or do you just want the get things "back the way they were?" He knows everything about your world. Now you have to find out about his. I order to understand his world, you may have to question a lot of things you believe are true, things your mother told you, your father told you, your church, your morals etc. There is a good chance that you just dont want to go there. You like your beliefs, you like yourself. OK. So be it then. Good for you. But don't complain that he is gone. <br />
<br />
If you understand and acknowledge his world, the ways he has accepted your world for the last 20 years, then you can live together. With mutual respect and love. He doesn't want to leave, he doesn't want to start over, he loves you and has proven it.<br />
<br />
If your head it spinning right now, then you have a chance. If you are thinking "this guy (me) it an a--hole" or "what a selfish person" or "mid-life crisis" Then just let him go.

thank you for the honesty. all women should read this and try to get it.

I went through the same thing 2 months ago with my wife. She moved into her own apartment on Saturday the following week. That was the 4th of July. The following Saturday night she spent in a diferent town with a married man. When they returned homw on Sunday evening, his wife threw him out of the house. He promptly moved in with her. He now tells everyone that she is the first woman that he's ever truely loved. He was married to his former wife for 40 years, I was married for 29 years. I was also told by her that they never had any relationship before the first time they went away together. They just drove 150 miles, stayed overnight and had dinner just to talk....BULLSHIT. I've gone through the past 2 months crying my heart out and missing her. Finally things turned around today. I had 2 different women ask me about me being seperated and if I'd like to go out sometime. Sure, they aren't the woman that I had loved for over 30 years, but life must go on. Incidently, I failed at not one, but two attempts at suicide, one drug overdose and once I locke myself in the garage with my truck running. One of the women that asked me out is a friend that had called to see if I was alright and talked me out of it. I'm 53 years old and found out that there are other people who actually care. Hang in there. It's hard, but God will help through other people if given the chance.

Warning .. I may offend some people by this...<br />
<br />
I find itreally hard to believe any man or woman would walk away from a marriage without warning signs. I for one who has a wife who is in total denial that we have problems. They are problems that are now not repairable. It may take me a few years... but I am lining my ducks in a row... and going to do the same thing to my wife of 33 years. BTW... my anniversary is tomorrow.<br />
Tomorrow will go totally unobserved like any other day. <br />
I truely believe when it happens... she too will say; she never saw it coming.

How about just trying to be honest instead of selfish. Try to imagine yourself in the other person's shoes just for a minute. Don't pretend, if it's not working end it now instead of keeping up the charade. In the end it's just bad karma you are attracting to yourself.

Hmmm this man is not being honest with you... there will be a female at the end of his silence....<br />
<br />
My suggestion would be to write everything you thought your relationship with him was (in a letter to him) and how you felt with him over the years and how you were feeling right up to the time he said goodbye and how you are feeling now.... <br />
<br />
When you have finished dont post it....yet...just sit on it a while until more truth reveals itself...it will...be patient...<br />
<br />
If it gets to him wanting a divorce...send him your letter along with this one....(if you decide its what you want to do of course)<br />
<br />
Story Begin ---<br />
<br />
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. <br />
<br />
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. <br />
<br />
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jewel. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! <br />
<br />
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. <br />
<br />
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take <br />
back what I had said for I loved Jewel so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. <br />
<br />
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jewel. <br />
<br />
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a <br />
month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. <br />
<br />
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. <br />
<br />
I told Jewel about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. <br />
<br />
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. <br />
<br />
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was greying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. <br />
<br />
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. <br />
<br />
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jewel about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. <br />
<br />
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. <br />
<br />
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life <br />
lacked intimacy. <br />
<br />
I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Jewel opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jewel, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home <br />
on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. <br />
<br />
Jewel seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. <br />
<br />
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.<br />
<br />
Story end ---<br />
<br />
Hope he comes to his senses and you wont have to send either letter.... Blessings and best wishes....

This made my eyes water. Inspiring!

ok... im siting here in tears.....

did you ever tell her? she deserves to know in my opinion. it sounds like all of this is a boy getting whatever he wants. I don't and never will know how someone can do that to a person. no matter how normal society displays it. it is so sad. people can truly be faithful 100%. even if they are unhappy. what on earth made you think you had a right to another women? thats disgusting to me. but I am glad it all worked out, I hope it still is. and that you both have all the intimacy, romance, and passion a relationship could give. nameste.

Great story! I am laying here in tears...

He will be back

2 More Responses

I understand your pain. It is pure hell. You cannot eat, sleep, think, keep from calling them, not blame yourself, not hate them, not love them madly, pray, beg... a frigin MILLION things are tearing you up right now. I am so sorry. The 'surprise' announcement he made and the manner he made it in, leads me to believe that there is more tot he story. Bear in mind I am NOT a relationship Guru and cannot read someone mind. What I have done is 'live to tell' my story and I have researched this 'phenomenon' for 5 and 1/2 years now. Almost without exception there is an ELEPHANT in the room that the initiator of the separation NEVER reveals during his/her first drive by shooting of you! And almost without exception the real story comes in bits and pieces, over months. I personally think the 'leaver' wants to feel better about making a bad, selfish decision. (I do not think all break-ups are bad but most break-up methods people use are). They are reinventing themselves and they need as rubble free of a ground as they find. Who wants to see a 'screaming mimi' in the corner of their beautiful new world? Plus, many selfishly do not want to deal with the drama they know will come if they are honest and transparent. Bottom line, they are worn out from plotting a new life course. Yes, your husband could be the exception to the rule but in all honesty I doubt he will be. He is operating under the old 'out of sight, out of mind' school of thought. While you cry yourself a damn river and drown over and over again! It is not fair!! In any way, shape or form. I could give you 1000 web sites to go to and books to read that all have good advice. The truth is you probably will not take any of it. Why? Because you are months, possibly years behind your husbands decision to separate. Your life was just 'freshly' up-rooted when he blind sighted you with his announcement. You are still struggling to breathe and process his declaration. And you still love him. You have not experienced a shift in your marriage as he has. For you it is still yesterday. Make sense? Now, you are not wrong. In fact you are very right! Marriage was never intended to be disposal. To NOT entertain leaving would then be your norm in your marriage. Something or someone or both or age, depression, work made him shift his core beliefs from marriage commitment to a new 'disposal, single-minded, selfish' way of living. Most of us who are 'left behind' cannot fathom self-care of making decisions that protect ourselves in this martial tsunami. We just want them back. Right? So you want WHO back? A man who leaves you hurting to heal himself? Your husband has made life changing decisions that have now caused damage to your marriage that will take God to heal them. (sorry Mr. " no need" God poster. I DO need Him!) That means that if he comes home tomorrow and he might, you are now placed in a horrible place of uncertainty. Will he leave again? Does he love me? Was or is he seeing someone? What is he doing working late? When we do not deal with people, especially our spouse in an authentic, honest way we cause soul damage that takes very hard work to heal.<br />
<br />
I can recommend books, sites. I can email them to you. Reality is that you need to do several things. NOW. 1st, Do not wait on him to live. What I mean is that in this demise take care of yourself. Eat, even a little bit, rest if you cannot sleep, find friends to talk to. (it is HIS shame not yours!) FIND A COUNSELOR!! There are some free ones. There are even some good ones that do phone sessions. This will help you sort out your churning emotions. This is a must do.<br />
<br />
2, You have heard that actions speak louder than words, right? Now you have lived it! You now need to take action to protect yourself and the life that YOU DID NOT leave. I would see an attorney. NOT to divorce but for protection and for yourself. You did not get a say in him leaving. Make sure you get one IF he decides to not come home. I can honestly say that without fail that ALL women going through this, probably men too, wish they had taken better steps to protect themselves at the start but usually we are so emotional and CRAZY due to shock we cannot think of self-care. We lower all boundaries and let our partner walk all over us. We think that is 'WE' make a move our spouse will think we are wanting out too! and god forbid, right? But that is not the case. He left you holding the bag... Now fill the bag up!<br />
3rd, The most important thing you need to know is this... YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM OR HIS MIND OR MAKE HIM COME HOME OR MAKE HIM LOVE YOU OR WAIT LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM, OR GIVE HIM THE SPACE HE NEEDS... YOU CANNOT CONTROL WHAT HE DOES OR THINKS. Bottom line that is the truth you will learn from this journey to hell. The only question is HOW will you learn it. You cannot dress different, bleach your hair, lose weight and him suddenly return. Do not wast time on what the others before you have failed at. It does not work. I know.... We all want them back. <br />
<br />
4, What do you control? You ONLY control YOU! You can only change you. You will find stuff as you dissect your life you need to change. Just do it. Don't labor over it, or blame yourself. You were a couple and may be again BUT FOR NOW, you are YOU!! Be the best you that you can. Control your response to him, control the times you talk to him (even though you feel at his mercy right now) Control what parts of yourself you allow him access to. You were a '2', a 'couple' (still are in God's eye) but he has decided he wants to be a one. You had no say but the bottom line is that you can have a say in your future. <br />
<br />
5, PRAY! We all go to God when desperate. Really we are no different than non-believers who run to a friend or parent for support EXCEPT my God moves mountains! Friends and family cannot. Pray honest, desperate, truth... God is there and despite what you feel or think He will be what anchors you through this.<br />
<br />
P.S. I am still with my husband. Is it tough, yes. Am I happy? To be honest I am not. Why? Because I did not have anyone giving me the advise I just gave you and when I did 'wake up' I still did not heed it.... so that makes for unstable rebuilding. In hind sight... haha ... I would file for divorce or separation within the 1st month of discovering his secrets. If we would have made it I would at least have respected myself.<br />
<br />
I hope this helps. It is just my experience and discovery. Blessings and hugs to you.

Never ending you just confussed the living hell out of me .....

I really enjoyed reading your post as it was as if I had written it about my life. To put it simply my husband of 23 years, good looking very fit and charming guy has had so many emotional affairs but his excuse for doing this is that his marriage was over 15 years ago. It is not over, never has been, I have never signed nor received any divorce papers from him. He insists it is over but wants to be my friend, wants to leave me when financially he is able to leave me with a house which will go on forever! He still sleeps with me, I am the wife I have always been. Cook, clean, listen to his problems at night. Support him and what does he do. Always at gym he befriends woman there, sometimes women with problems and he starts an emotional relationship with them as apparently according to him it is not illegal to have friends and to try and help them. He has taken 2 of them for dinner before which I found out about. Most of them he takes for coffee to talk to them. They ALL find him charming and love his advice and they are all shocked when I contact them and let them know he is married with 4 children. When they ask if he is married he apparently says he doesn't believe in marriage. This has been going on now for 4 years and I can't see it changing as he loves his pretend single life and loves to flirt with younger, good looking women. I am 47 fit and I take care of myself, try to be a mature classy woman who cares about others. I don't know what to do as deep down I know he will never leave and will never file for divorce but is this fair to live my life being treated like this, being told my marriage is not a marriage and he will leave me one day! He says he doesn't want to hurt me but it is what it is. My 4 children have lost all respect for him and he pretends it doesn't hurt him. If he walks out on us, they including me will never speak to him again! Why, because we love him despite his weaknesses, we are an amazing family and he wants to walk out on this to have his single life! Unfortunately I do not have the finances to walk out and I don't want my children to ever say I didn't fight for our marriage and our family. So do I suffer in pain as I try to be so nice to him, treat him well and then I find out about another emotional affair and it almost kills me.

why dos everyone keep telling u that they some how "know" wat ur goin through or they "know" how u "feel" wen al they "know" is their idea of how u feel from ur story compared to their experiences. now forgive me because i know that wat they have gon through intitels them to have this idea but that dosnt mean its always makes them rite. <br />
and com on! al this christian crap really gets on my nerves! now yes God is good nun the less but this christian crap al these people spout out dosnt help. al it dos is make u feel secure in the sea of sand we cal life through falls hope cald faith. faith isn't a bad thing really though but its wat u put ur faith in that is. so putin faith in God is good but not in the christian way or any other way for that matr.<br />
but now onto ur problem hun^^ with out knowing u in person and ur husband either no one can help u much. i suggest goin to counsalin with him but u both have to be open to it AND working together. its true from reading the story that he isn't telling the truth but his problem mite not be u. it mite be something else entirely witch intern makes it hard to be around his family. and he mite not be coming to u for help because of issue's with his pride. but truly al the good advise i can giv u is hold on for the ride because u hav no idea wats coming next.

Here are a couple of resources that helped MY wife navigate MY midlife crisis.<br />
<br />
http://midlifeclub.com/his-midlife-crisis<br />
http://bit.ly/2MbR75<br />
http://bit.ly/tJgS<br />
<br />
The bottom line is there isn't much a woman can do when a man goes through this. The most IMPORTANT thing to do is to take care of YOU. Exercise, meditation and impartial support are required.<br />
<br />
Please click on those links and focus on yourself. Your children need you. Dad may come around (took me 3 years) or he may not. Your children can't afford to have both of you in flux...sorry. Like most working moms around the world, the responsibility always falls on you.

My husband woke me up in 1995 and told me he didn't think he loved me anymore or ever did.After some snooping I found out a woman at work had caught his eye.These stories don't always end badly.We are still together today.It was rough for 4 months.It took a few self help marriage books(Dr Phils) is a good one,and a few counseling sessions for us to find out neither one of us was perfact,or extremely happy with each other.We were both ruining the marriage.For the sake of our kids and the time we had been together we decided to start over with the tools we learned over those 4 months.Especially the communication tools.Today i can sit here and say we are great together.The one thing we learned was that a marriage is a living thing,and if you don't take care of it,it dies.I recently heard a pastor say if you think the grass is greener on the other side...water your own.Too many people run from a bad marriage into a new relationship and find out down the line its the same relationship with a new person.They don't find happiness,because they never learned or matured from the point they were at when they left the marriage.My advice to you is to work on your own self.Grow where you are standing.When i got to the point where i felt that no matter what happened with my husband,I would be fine,that is when he wanted some of what i had gotten.And he was then willing to do the work with me.This can change your life and your marriage for the better.I strongly recommend Dr Phils relationship rescue as a place for yourself to start.For me reading was better than sitting around crying and i learned alot about marriage and about myself.At least i was doing something positive and taking control of something when everything else seemed way out of my control.God bless and guide you through this.Its a deep wound that has been inflicted onto you.

Tac your my hero but i am still not going back to my cheating wife....

Dear, after reading your story I feel that he's not explaining clearly why does he need to break up now after more than 2 decades of relationship?<br />
<br />
Surely there has to be a reason: something only which he knows. And he does not want anybody else to know. You or someone just need to talk to him and try to understand his position.<br />
<br />
Or else just move on with your life sweetheart. This is not the end of your world. I can feel how hurt you're but some things are beyond human comprehension and power. You cannot force him to be with you. Relationship is a mutual agreement. <br />
<br />
My love and regards to you dear. God bless you and keep you happy always.

I know how it feels when some one hurts you and you do not get a chance to even know why it happened. One feels betrayed and angry. I want to say only one thing that maybe you may never understand why this happened to you, but you need to understand one thing that God understands you and your situation very well. He knows you. So stop figuring it out. <br />
Right now all that you need to know is to go to God and ask for His intervention in your life. See only God knows whats on in someones mind. Only God can heal the wounded. Ask God to help you through this situation and make you learn what He wants you to learn through this. Also consistently pray for your self, your husband, your marriage and your family. Listen to Joyce Meyer if you can. Her teachings will help you sail through this time and also help you find your relationship with God.<br />
<br />
God Bless you<br />
<br />
Take care

Same here, but with HER breaking up by email to me three months ago - never to be seen again. There are the few one way phone calls and answers to my emails, but I have been cut off from all her family including her three grandchildren, each of whom I had the pleasure of being at the hospital while waiting for their births.<br />
<br />
I'm still in the middle of a breakdown where I suffer anxiety, uselessness and complete disinterest in everything I once had an avid interest in. I'm a musician and can suddenly breakdown during a song.<br />
<br />
I realise that I'm only remembering the good things of our relationship. I never remember the bad times with her hypocrisy, jealousy, and provocative statements and arguments.<br />
<br />
These I have carefully listed onto large paper: left side, the good things; right side, the bad things - in large black writing. These now hang my fridge to be read during my 'down' moments. While it doesn't bring me closer to her family (none of whom contact me) it does help to remind me of the advantages of the separation. <br />
<br />
I'm only just accepting that this is the end (of the relationship) even though a big part of every day is still an angonising feeling of loss and unrequited love.

Very similar thing happened to me 2 years ago. Only it was my wife saying that and she ran off with another guy. I can actually look back now and see all the little tell tale signs that I missed - but I also noticed that I only wanted to stay together because we have 2 children, young and still at home. <br />
<br />
It may be that a bit of time on his own will clear his head - though I doubt it. To wake you so early to tell you, it has been bugging him for some time. Take a deep breath, pick yourself up and move on - yes it hurts - you are welcome to my shoulder.<br />
<br />
I hated it when everyone used to tell me about fish and the other stupid sayings - made me want to scream. 2 years on, I am still single and very happy. Life is an adventure - I've done a long weekend in Spain, NY and Vegas - NY and Spain were just spur of the moment. <br />
<br />
Make yourself a list of all the things you've ever wanted to do and go do them. I like my life now a lot more than the life I had.

Seperated (2) weeks and plan to do what you did. Hard not to look at girls and try to meet them but i will resist and do me for a little while... Never been by myself i always went from girl to girl kind of excited to see what it is like being by myself.