Waiting Game

Hi All

My husband and I have now been officially separated for 6 months but the can of worms was opened last Nov. The goal is to make a final decision about our future together in Nov this year.

We are in the 9th year of marriage following a 7 year courtship, both 35 years old. Although mostly happy there have been a few experiences in our time together that we would prefer to forget. We have a gorgeous 3 year old daughter that we both adore and a life that neither of us want to leave behind. 

My husband has a very demanding and time consuming job, which takes him away from home a huge amount. He loves his job and will do anything to keep afloat and prove his worth. He is a senior exec within his company at a young age, compared with his peers.

The decision to separate was his. He had a big wobble and decided he didn't want to be with me anymore due to factors from our past, which in my view were unavoidable but granted could have been handled better. The year leading up to the split wasn't a bed of roses but I can still see a happy future for us together. I am trying to be positive for the both of us and refuse to give up on us and our family. He says he does miss me, does love me otherwise he would have left by now and doesn't want to lose the life we've built together BUT isn't ready to come home, is enjoying the time out, the no pressure and the calm and isn't sure whether he will want to reconcile in Nov or divorce. He only wants councilling IF he chooses to reconcile in Nov and is constantly kept totally busy with his  job, which I have to be flexible with for my daughters sake.

I on the other hand have been through tortureous mind games where some days it seems plainly obvious what his decision will be and is it worth me waiting around until Nov to be dumped to feeling very positive and that a 'break' is all he needs. I can't move forward, I can't work on it through councilling as both rely on a decision from him. I feel guilty constantly that my daughter is an only child due to the situation and worried that she can see through my moods. Worried that even if we want to be together in Nov- we are growing apart now during the separation....he believes that if it wasn't for the separation then we would be divorced.

Basically feeling very low at the moment, tearful, sad, angry, bitter, insecure, rejected - which I haven't done for a few months but did in the beginning. I am also tired of putting on 'the brave face' and just want to blurt out the fact that yes, we are separated and not hide behind the mask that he is travelling (more than he actually is) 

Oh well, thanks for listening and sorry my message is 'all over the place'! xx 

reesepop reesepop
6 Responses Aug 26, 2009

why are you waiting on him to decide YOUR future, i am seperated now 8 months and like yourself have bad days , but i am trying to save my marrage,, but do not sit and let him call all the shots it about you BOTH , it is not only him , you need to get yourself sorted, only you , and you alone can make YOU happy ,and if you are just waiting then you will be so so unhappy, get your mind focused get in a positive fr<x>ame of mind , and if he see,s you brighter and happier he might , just might see you ,and things differint, its all to do with your fr<x>ame of mind , get of the waiting game sort yourself out, then see what happens,, i am in a better fr<x>ame of mind and do you know it is not easy but it is better, and i do get his attention, good luck,,,

Basically feeling very low at the moment, tearful, sad, angry, bitter, insecure, rejected. I have been through those emotions 2 yrs ago when my hus filed for divorce. we went back together after 5 months, and he withdrew the divorce and we were barely doing well the following 2 years, Coz we never really tried to take the relationship seriously enough. 2 months ago, we separated once again, and I have to go through all those emotions all over again. the only difference is , last time it was him who forced me to leave and this time I left on my own. Coz I feel like i was not appreciated and he only loves himself disregard how I felt. <br />
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You said you two are officially separated so i would assume that he already took legal action before/after he moved out, correct ? I could be wrong but It sounds like he already has made a plan of divorcing you. If he was just confused, he would not filed for separation first. Please be strong and do not let him step all over you. I do not think he wants to put much effort on saving the marriage nor he truly cares about you much. However, i need to ask if he has any additions ? such as drinking problems, drugs problems etc. If so, you need to think twice before making decision. You need to ask yourself , do you really want him back ? what good does it do to you and your child if you two back together, think about it carefully and thoroughly then write them down. It will help you clear your head, also , can try to write a diary either on line or a notebook. write down your feeling every single day, if today you feel happy, write down what makes you happy, if tomorrow you feel sad, write down what makes you sad. it can also help you to be more clear headed too. Best wishes , may the force be with you.

Ideally you both agree to separate. This gets rid of the "blame game" and takes away the rejection that one feels when he decides to leave. you are being held "hostage". Become independent. You need a man that you can rely on, not one that might be here today gone tomorrow and might come back if he feels like it.<br />
Marriage is a committment. Once the comittment has gone from either party what do you have left ?

I am going through something similar and I am in pain. I think you and I have to get healthy first. Try to do some sport, by some clothes, improve your look and think about yourself a little (treat yourself nicely). See what are your negative things and try to improve it. Think what are your positive things and try to keep them. Meet some people, go and do some dating if you can. Take your time and when you feel prepared to make a decision thinking in whatever destiny is you are going to be at the very end OK.

I agree with Kungfuchic, you need to start thinking of yourself. Start you own checking account if you haven't already. Make sure you have a credit rating separate from your husbands. Think about what you like to do and try to throw your energy into that. No of these things will hurt you if you do reconcile. But they will help while you're alone. I hope it all works out for you. I've been where you are, and my heart goes out to you.

reesepop: You are right, he may never come home. What have you been doing to grow on your own, to gain your own confidence and build yourself up, so that just in case he doesn't come home, you will be as mentally prepared as one can be.<br />
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You can't make someone love you, want you or want to be with you. Stop torturing yourself. Find some peace on your own. Start building a life for yourself. However it turns out, you will still be better off.<br />
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Wishing you the best.