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So How Did This Happen?

I started working for a new company about 8 months ago. The man who interviewed me was dull, uninteresting and tiring. But attractive none the less. He hired me and I started the position a month later. After a few weeks on the job I noticed he was hanging around my office more than usual. Also coming in on his days off for no apparant reason. There was no doubt in my mind there was sexual chemistry between us and it just kept building. The office flirting contiued secretly between us for about 2 months. Finally one day after hours we kissed and things started to get very hot between us. We are both married. Myself for ten years, he for 5. He is 14 years younger than me which used to bother me but it doesnt anymore. Anyway, we decided to book a hotel and meet one afternoon. It was OK. Nothing romantic, just sex which we both figured we both wanted. Things at work didnt change. The flirting continued and the sneaky odd kiss happened now and then when we found each other alone near the copy machine. It was extremely difficult hiding our feelings at work and I noticed people started picking up on the flirting so we decided to try to cool it down at work which was very difficult for him. Me, being older had no problem being professional. Anyway we continued to meet at a hotel every few weeks. But after the third time something happned. It was no longer quick sex. But I felt we were making love. I knew I started getting attached as on the weekends I was missing him terribly but this gorgeous younger man couldnt possibly feel the same way about me, could he? Well as things started to heat up even more between us I made a decision NOT to ever tell him how I felt. I didnt want to cause him emotional problems or interfere with his home life. Then just about two weeks ago he whispered in my ear during a seminar "you have no idea just how much I love you". I felt happy and weak in the knees. I dont know where this is going. I havent been happy at home in many years. I live in a sexless marriage and Im young at heart. I want to live my life happily but we have children together and I think its best just to stay with my husband. Also my lover has a happy family life with two very young children which he adores. I know this relationship can't ever go anywhere. But neither one of us want to stop. I guess Im not seeking advice. Im just seeking support or hoping to hear/read similar stories.
thescarletletter thescarletletter 41-45, F 11 Responses Jan 15, 2011

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wow its amazing how similar your story is to mine, except at least you know how you'll feel, after 3 years I still don't know how I feel n I know he would never fall in love with me, but that's what we both wanted I guess

Don't worry so much. When I was in my early twenties, I had two affairs with women in their forties. Now that I'm in my forties, my wife ***** younger guys. Just have. Good time and let the younger guy give you on attention and act like the little **** that you can't with ur hubby.

Both parties need to be on the same page...if one trails off from the other, example one is in it for sex but the other starts getting emotionally attached, it'll end up in disaster...

I am in a VERY similar situation. I am married with two young kids and he is 15 years older than me. It is the exact reverse of your situation regarding age, etc. He is divorced but seriously dating someone that recently left her husband for him but isnt filing for divorce (which is really bothersome to him). We work together but only occasionally. We have been having an affair for 10 months now and when it began it started out with a simple kiss, some text messages, etc but slowly escalated to a full blown sexual affair. He always told me this should just be fun for us, that he didnt want to ruin my family, etc. We've played it as cool as we could ,never letting the other one know how much they meant to us until this past weekend when we finally were able to sneak away for the weekend (first time we have ever been able to spend the night together). Needless to say we are both in love with eachother. He cannot believe that I would want to be with him as he is older than me, etc. I told him I never let him know how I really feel because what good would it have done?? I expressed that I didnt think he would ever want to take on a younger girl with two small children. He was shocked and said he would do anything for me. The next day his girlfriend found out that he wasnt where he said he was this past weekend so he admitted to where we were but told her he was ALONE. He then told me to "chill with the non work related texts for a bit" and that he would "see me Monday at work". It nearly killed me. I'm a wreck and cant talk to him for fear that she will find out or that it will anger him.<br />
I'm not happy at home. My husband isnt a bad guy but we got married because I got pregnant...not a good reason. I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with him and never feeling truely satisfied. I can't eat, I'm not sleeping, I'm drinking and smoking to combat the stress and anxiety. This is killing me.

That's why affairs never turn out good, while you were letting yourself develope feelings he saw you as nothing but a sexual outlet

But if he does not flirt with you or compliment you, do you still find it ok to be with him sexually? <br />
in my experience the guy did cool off... we have been together for 6months. once or twice a month we were together and each time it is awesome.<br />
I feel when he contacts me, it is just for sex, well, I know it is :) but, still I would like to hear nice things. I am not saying we should date, but, there has to be some sort of friendship that has to continue for me. Sex is however, hot and steamy! <br />
Perhaps I have to learn to just focus on that part...<br />
any advice on how outside of sex you get together? or do anything? or before/after? thanks!

I am in the same situation. The guy that I am having an affair with pursued me relentlessly via text messages. He flirted &amp; complimented me at first &amp; I thought he really liked me, but after we had sex twice he tried to end it because he said that I was too emotionally involved. I felt very used and taken advantage of and cried for 2 days because I didn't want it to end. It was the best sex that I had ever had. It did not end because I agreed that I would back off emotionally and that we would just have a physical relationship. I feel very used most of the time because he never contacts me unless he wants to talk dirty or have pictures sent to him. When I contact him he will respond, but he will only answer my questions. He never inquires about my life. BTW: We very seldom talk on the phone, we only text. I am not a child, I am a married 47 year old woman with 2 teenage children. He is not married, ten years younger than me and in a relationship that he says may end in marriage. Apparently his girlfriend is very jealous and checks up on him so I can't contact him at night or on the weekends.

Like you, I know that I am being used, but even though it makes me feel like a ****, I don't want to end it because the sex is great and I want those feelings to continue. I agree with you that I don't want to date, but I would at least like to be friends.

I don't know what to do either. I feel like a teenage girl pursuing someone that doesn't really want me, but is glad to take what I give. I don't have any advice for you, but did want to let you know that you aren't the only one in this position. Please let me know if anything has changed in your relationship.

Dear Scarlet, it's odd but I've just started having affair with a colleague who is 9 years younger than me. We have been close friends since 2 years ago and the truth is, when I first started knowing him, I had a crush on him. But I have never let anyone know of it because to me, it is just a crush. However, things started to get heated up between us beginning of this year. He started hanging around and asking me out for coffee. One thing leads to another and we started spending alot of time together. I confessed to him that I had suppressed my feelings for him for the last 2 years. The surprise came when he admitted that he too had feelings for me for the same number of years. We realised that we have always been there for each other as really good friends but have never crossed the line or talked about how we felt till now.<br />
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Anyway, to cut the story short. I am in love with him. I love every moment spent with him. I do not love my husband less but I am constantly thinking of him. I'm not sure where this will lead to. We both have families and spouses that we care for. I am not thinking for the moment because I simply like what is happening between us. It's not just about the sex but the connection that we have, although the sex is good.

lula69 has some good advice - yes, enjoy the affair, but you do need to do some thinking about your marriage and what you want from life. Consider the consequences - if people are beinging to talk at work, it won't be long before you are found out.....what then. How will you deal with that, how will he deal with that. Remember that love and sex are addictive!

You can't tell a story like this without getting advice. I had my first affair and it immediately zapped me out of my life and I thought my marriage was good, better than others. But man I learned stuff by facing what was happening with me.<br />
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Affairs are a huge energy drain, they are dangerous and you will get discovered. It is impossible for you to have a constant affair in the same town where you are living your married life and not get discovered. Don't fool yourself.<br />
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Also, don't jump to conclusions on your life or on his life. The two of you have a pile of homework. You need to figure out what you want from your life. There are 2 independent decisions:<br />
<br />
1) Can you still be happy with your marriage? Obviously you are not happy, neither is he. No one who is happily married has an affair. You don't believe it, but it's wrong. You nor he has an affair because you are bad people, but because you are not content with your life. You need to fix that!<br />
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2) Once you have decided on your primary relationship, you can look if this or other people will make you happy. This can be known, it's not all a game of chance. I personally would be concerned about the 14 years age difference. If that isn't going to be an issue in your life with him later, all the best for you. <br />
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However, if your lover will be a good fit or not doesn't really matter for deciding on your marriage, you are looking for a life that fulfills you, demand it from your marriage, your marital duty is to demand that from your marriage, fix it or lose it. But don't be a zombie who continues to live as a vegetable or deceives yourself and everyone in a double-life.<br />
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Also, don't make your kids deciding factor. Do you want your kids to suffer in a love-less marriage? NO! Show your kids that you got to do the right thing: expect the marriage to be a source of happiness, make it work or move on. But don't live a life of lies and deceit. Your kids will end up in a guilt laden situation, may be suffer bad consequences just because no one told them that they need to stand up for the happiness without which they can not have a peaceful life!<br />
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Read Mira Kirshenbaum "When good people have affairs". It is the only book I know that can help you. But you need to take your affair seriously, you need to come to grips with what is going on because there is no way to continue in the situation you are in.

I was in one situation when I was working too... it is more of an emotional need than the actual sex which makes a person to cling on to the "lover". But I must add that I had a memorable ****** when I did have sex which I never experienced in the whole of 15 years of my married life. It was the same with the other person too. We kept the whole affair without strings and tried not to get too possessive. I guess, it did work in a good way as to bring smile to an otherwise happily married life. In fact, I was more loving towards my husband and kids. It made me more tolerant, active and more accomodative. I don't know if it right or wrong.. but it made me a better person.

Just forget everything and continue your sexual relationship with him, as it is giving you immense pleasure. Also thre is no harm in the relationship, till you both keep it secret. But dont and never get into any type of serious relationship.<br />
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- Free

Hi<br />
Thanks for your reply to my story. I feel you understand where I'm coming from. I don't really consider myself to be in any sort of dilemma. I mean it is what it is. I don't want to interfere at all in his personal life at home and recently he told me it is starting to effect his life at home as when he's with his wife, all he can do is think of me. I know that's no good. I don't want to break up but I don't want to be a 'home-wrecker'! Ive given him a few opportunities to have an 'out' but he says he's happy and doesnt want things to change.<br />
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As far as work goes...well its a bit tricky. He's our office manager and besides one other man, we are all women working there. He's very attractive, very flirty and charming. But since he and I starting something up he's only been flirty and charming with me and has made it way too obvious. Someone actually asked him if he was having an affair with me! I told him he has to start playing it cool. Purely professional at work, which I have been doing. But now people have noticed we've been acting too "formal" around each other and are jumping to even more conclusions. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. <br />
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As for my feelings, well Im 43. Ive always been career orientated and can't say I have ever been in love. I mean real LOVE but I do feel something special when Im with him. Not even so much in a sexual sense. But just the two of us locking eyes for a second when I walk by just makes me melt. I can't say Ive ever felt this way for someone. Maybe its because we spend the majority of our week together which is more than I've ever spent with my own husband. I only see my husband on an average of four days a week and he's extremely neglectful.<br />
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Anyway really wanted to just say thanks so much for your reply. At least I know Im not the only one out there! I tried sending you this on a private email but I dont have any 'tokens'? Strange!<br />
<br />
Scarlet XX

So, if you still come around on this site, what happened? what is your situation with this man now?