So How Did This Happen?

With all honesty i've lived a similar situation and trust me it will go nowhere !! Seldomly an affair/sex relationship turns out POSITIVE. Its very easy to say i love you at the heat of the moment and while having sex etc. but reality is sex, flirting, caressing, kissing is all there is in common. I guarantee you "If you take all that away and u play it like a conservative girl and dont give it up" HE WILL NOT LOVE YOU. With us guys the way it works is, if you are an easy girl/women you are not marriage material/a keeper if you dont give it up THEN ITS A YES :) Trust me .........

Both parties need to be on the same page...if one trails off from the other, example one is in it for sex but the other starts getting emotionally attached, it'll end up in disaster...

I am in a VERY similar situation. I am married with two young kids and he is 15 years older than me. It is the exact reverse of your situation regarding age, etc. He is divorced but seriously dating someone that recently left her husband for him but isnt filing for divorce (which is really bothersome to him). We work together but only occasionally. We have been having an affair for 10 months now and when it began it started out with a simple kiss, some text messages, etc but slowly escalated to a full blown sexual affair. He always told me this should just be fun for us, that he didnt want to ruin my family, etc. We've played it as cool as we could ,never letting the other one know how much they meant to us until this past weekend when we finally were able to sneak away for the weekend (first time we have ever been able to spend the night together). Needless to say we are both in love with eachother. He cannot believe that I would want to be with him as he is older than me, etc. I told him I never let him know how I really feel because what good would it have done?? I expressed that I didnt think he would ever want to take on a younger girl with two small children. He was shocked and said he would do anything for me. The next day his girlfriend found out that he wasnt where he said he was this past weekend so he admitted to where we were but told her he was ALONE. He then told me to "chill with the non work related texts for a bit" and that he would "see me Monday at work". It nearly killed me. I'm a wreck and cant talk to him for fear that she will find out or that it will anger him.

I'm not happy at home. My husband isnt a bad guy but we got married because I got pregnant...not a good reason. I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with him and never feeling truely satisfied. I can't eat, I'm not sleeping, I'm drinking and smoking to combat the stress and anxiety. This is killing me.

But if he does not flirt with you or compliment you, do you still find it ok to be with him sexually?

in my experience the guy did cool off... we have been together for 6months. once or twice a month we were together and each time it is awesome.

I feel when he contacts me, it is just for sex, well, I know it is :) but, still I would like to hear nice things. I am not saying we should date, but, there has to be some sort of friendship that has to continue for me. Sex is however, hot and steamy!

Perhaps I have to learn to just focus on that part...

any advice on how outside of sex you get together? or do anything? or before/after? thanks!

Dear Scarlet, it's odd but I've just started having affair with a colleague who is 9 years younger than me. We have been close friends since 2 years ago and the truth is, when I first started knowing him, I had a crush on him. But I have never let anyone know of it because to me, it is just a crush. However, things started to get heated up between us beginning of this year. He started hanging around and asking me out for coffee. One thing leads to another and we started spending alot of time together. I confessed to him that I had suppressed my feelings for him for the last 2 years. The surprise came when he admitted that he too had feelings for me for the same number of years. We realised that we have always been there for each other as really good friends but have never crossed the line or talked about how we felt till now.



Anyway, to cut the story short. I am in love with him. I love every moment spent with him. I do not love my husband less but I am constantly thinking of him. I'm not sure where this will lead to. We both have families and spouses that we care for. I am not thinking for the moment because I simply like what is happening between us. It's not just about the sex but the connection that we have, although the sex is good.

lula69 has some good advice - yes, enjoy the affair, but you do need to do some thinking about your marriage and what you want from life. Consider the consequences - if people are beinging to talk at work, it won't be long before you are found out.....what then. How will you deal with that, how will he deal with that. Remember that love and sex are addictive!

You can't tell a story like this without getting advice. I had my first affair and it immediately zapped me out of my life and I thought my marriage was good, better than others. But man I learned stuff by facing what was happening with me.



Affairs are a huge energy drain, they are dangerous and you will get discovered. It is impossible for you to have a constant affair in the same town where you are living your married life and not get discovered. Don't fool yourself.



Also, don't jump to conclusions on your life or on his life. The two of you have a pile of homework. You need to figure out what you want from your life. There are 2 independent decisions:



1) Can you still be happy with your marriage? Obviously you are not happy, neither is he. No one who is happily married has an affair. You don't believe it, but it's wrong. You nor he has an affair because you are bad people, but because you are not content with your life. You need to fix that!



2) Once you have decided on your primary relationship, you can look if this or other people will make you happy. This can be known, it's not all a game of chance. I personally would be concerned about the 14 years age difference. If that isn't going to be an issue in your life with him later, all the best for you.



However, if your lover will be a good fit or not doesn't really matter for deciding on your marriage, you are looking for a life that fulfills you, demand it from your marriage, your marital duty is to demand that from your marriage, fix it or lose it. But don't be a zombie who continues to live as a vegetable or deceives yourself and everyone in a double-life.



Also, don't make your kids deciding factor. Do you want your kids to suffer in a love-less marriage? NO! Show your kids that you got to do the right thing: expect the marriage to be a source of happiness, make it work or move on. But don't live a life of lies and deceit. Your kids will end up in a guilt laden situation, may be suffer bad consequences just because no one told them that they need to stand up for the happiness without which they can not have a peaceful life!



Read Mira Kirshenbaum "When good people have affairs". It is the only book I know that can help you. But you need to take your affair seriously, you need to come to grips with what is going on because there is no way to continue in the situation you are in.

I was in one situation when I was working too... it is more of an emotional need than the actual sex which makes a person to cling on to the "lover". But I must add that I had a memorable ****** when I did have sex which I never experienced in the whole of 15 years of my married life. It was the same with the other person too. We kept the whole affair without strings and tried not to get too possessive. I guess, it did work in a good way as to bring smile to an otherwise happily married life. In fact, I was more loving towards my husband and kids. It made me more tolerant, active and more accomodative. I don't know if it right or wrong.. but it made me a better person.

Just forget everything and continue your sexual relationship with him, as it is giving you immense pleasure. Also thre is no harm in the relationship, till you both keep it secret. But dont and never get into any type of serious relationship.



- Free

Hi

Thanks for your reply to my story. I feel you understand where I'm coming from. I don't really consider myself to be in any sort of dilemma. I mean it is what it is. I don't want to interfere at all in his personal life at home and recently he told me it is starting to effect his life at home as when he's with his wife, all he can do is think of me. I know that's no good. I don't want to break up but I don't want to be a 'home-wrecker'! Ive given him a few opportunities to have an 'out' but he says he's happy and doesnt want things to change.



As far as work goes...well its a bit tricky. He's our office manager and besides one other man, we are all women working there. He's very attractive, very flirty and charming. But since he and I starting something up he's only been flirty and charming with me and has made it way too obvious. Someone actually asked him if he was having an affair with me! I told him he has to start playing it cool. Purely professional at work, which I have been doing. But now people have noticed we've been acting too "formal" around each other and are jumping to even more conclusions. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.



As for my feelings, well Im 43. Ive always been career orientated and can't say I have ever been in love. I mean real LOVE but I do feel something special when Im with him. Not even so much in a sexual sense. But just the two of us locking eyes for a second when I walk by just makes me melt. I can't say Ive ever felt this way for someone. Maybe its because we spend the majority of our week together which is more than I've ever spent with my own husband. I only see my husband on an average of four days a week and he's extremely neglectful.



Anyway really wanted to just say thanks so much for your reply. At least I know Im not the only one out there! I tried sending you this on a private email but I dont have any 'tokens'? Strange!



Scarlet XX