The Break Up Is Hurting So Bad

This is only day one of my break up with my lover.  We were together for almost 4 months, and I loved it.  It was my first "full out affair" in bed he made me feel incredible - outside of the bedroom I felt like...just so admirred, so sexy. I am in my late 40's and just lost a little over 120 pounds - so of course I feel like a completely new woman
How do you carry on once it is can I keep this 'pretend face' on, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sob my heart out.  Even now sitting here at work - I cant seem to be able to stop the flow of tears....  The thing is - even though he was absolutely incredible in bed (compared to my husband) towards the end he was on-line with other woman and made it very clear if he found someone else he would want to sleep with them too.  He obviously had a drinking problem (a mickey per night) and he was ok to look at, but not drop dead gorgeous - oh god, I miss him so much!!!  But you know the crazy thing is......after I get over this I will probably try to find another lover.............  Can anyone relate??
VancouverMom VancouverMom
46-50, F
16 Responses Mar 17, 2011

Yes, I can relate, I am in the same boat. My affair partner, I saw how silly and immature and naive and clueless he was.....and I still adored him. I am not in love with him, but I care about him and I had to break up with him because he wasn't treating me well emotionally. It was out of ignorance, but that does not make things easier. I offered to stay friends, he won't talk to me at all. I told him that I respected his decision and I am trying to hard to move on. It's been almost two weeks, I cried like crazy the first day. I am still a little sad.

I see your entry is four years ago, hope you are okay. Through it all, I know that I did the right thing and it was for the best but I miss him SO MUCH

I am in the same boat. It's been 4 months and we saw each other at least 2-3x/wk and last night he text me to please give him sometime and let him be in his "cave" for a little bit. What I'm taking it as he is bailing on me. He made me feel the same way and all I did was cry last night and even today at work (we would have sex there also) when I would go by our spot I would have to lock myself in my office and cry. I am so confused on what to feel..I mean I am married and everyone thinks I'm happy but I'm not. Help.


These things are so hard.

Add a response...I am in the same situation. I have been having an affair with someone I work with for 2 years and no one knows about it. I got discarded by my lover bcs he had someone living with him and his wife and started to have sex with her instead. I found out about her after it came out that he was sending over 1000K texts to her. His wife kicked her out left herself and then came back. So I have nothing anymore. When I started this with my NP 2 years ago I was heavier. I lost wt, he gave me compliments said how beautiful i looked and in bed wow he was so good. He goes back and forth with not wanting anything anymore to he still likes me. I feel horrible esp since I see him at work. I am extremely jealous of amanda the girl he slept with and i know he is still seeing her not me. I got nothing. she had him got to stay in the house with him after sex and he would just leave me at the hotel. I am sick to my stomach. This just happened in Dec and Im not doing so good.

I'm the man yet I can so relate,,, it's like breaking an addiction, I managed to quit smoking with her help... now who would help me in dealing with "After-Affair Withrawals?... It was a 14 months fun contenting affair.

I am in day two of a break up with my on-line lover of 18 months. We are both married and have never met in person. It started as a bit of fun but rapidly grew into a passionate relationship.We have talked every single day, often all day and all evening - through text, IMS and telephone. The relationship was eventually unable to sustain itself and we have eventually split. My emotions are as raw as those of any one suffering a break up, I feel so alone and empty and I can't stop crying, I can't tell anyone - I told him all my secrets and now I just don't even want to live.

What you need to do is get down to the reason as to why you feel this need to be validated by lovers all the time. I don't know wether you have any love for your husband or not but if you do you either need to get help with your affairs or separate from your husband.

I am getting divorced and thought that is what he was doing too, but your right i dont like myself very much bcs this is not good and I am having trouble letting go.

People have always been cheating, people will always cheat.

You are human, this stuff is messy. Forgive yourself.

I love my husband, but we have had a sexless relationship for pretty much the whole time I have known him---11 years. I finally caved this past year.

I'm new to this site. And I feel this is a story that was more like my own. I have been working at my company for 10 years with the same people. The guy that I am involved with has always been like a best friend. Always there to listen to my problems. I think the past couple of years we were a little more flirtacious. But never crossed a line. We always went to lunch together. His wife used to work here and is now a stay at home mom. I came in one day crying and he instantly came to me with a big hug. Since that day, he would always hug me. It was never sexual, matter of fact, one of us would always be sitting so it was never sexual. I don't really know what happened but he took me to lunch and asked to hold my hand. My first thought?? Something happened and he needed me this time. We went to lunch and he asked me if it was possible to love two people. I innocently said yes but it's trouble for that person in love. Two lunches that week and he revealed that he was in love with me?? I didn't know what to say, and I just sat there quietly. He was so nervous and he just stared. Needless to say my first thought was of the very erotic dream I had of him and I shared it with forward it's been about 4 months. He has since found a new job. He had been looking for years. I've tried to break it off 4 times and we keep coming back to each other. My husband has been for the past few years controlling and only focused on sex. Not trying to justify at all. My tears before this affair were real. I was in a state of extreme sadness. My lover is happy in his marriage (I know, then why is he), but he doesn't get the affection or the sexy emails or the molting hot sex. I don't know what to do. I need to end it but I feel so alive and sexy and basically somebody special. He tells me I make him feel incredible. While I hate my place in my marriage I don't know what to do. Scratch that, I know what to do and everytime I try to do it I go into deep depression. So I can relate ...... after all of that explaining. I understand ...... I do. I don't know if you still check back but I hope you have found the answer to your problem.

I completely understand where you are coming from. The affair becomes an addiction, and you experience horrible withdrawals when it's taken away. I went through this when I had a temporary break from my affair partner. It's a craving like none other. The high that you get from being wanted by someone, the great sex, the illicitness of the whole experience... Unfortunately, you just have to wait it out. It will get better! Wisi made a great point; affairs do expose the holes in your marriage or in your life in general. Once your emotions have levelled out, maybe you will look back and be glad for the experience and what you are able to take away from it. Hang in there!

I hope so because this ride sucks. I am in so much pain bcs I work with him and still have intense feelings for him.

Yes I can relate - the excitement, the feelings the delicious anticipation of meeting up. The ego boost, the fact that you are someone in your own right not just mom, partner, wife or co worker - but a sexy desireable woman ! And it is very difficult to give all that up - not to mention the sexual excitement. But you will get over it - but what an affair does, is expose the gaping holes in your marriage. Now you have to decide whether to sort out your marriage or continue to have affairs - a risky proposition!

Im not going to do this again with a married person. I thought my NP was leaving his wife and I am getting divorced with my being final end of april 15. This is the worst heartache i have ever felt before.

ok - I have had an affair with one man for 2 years - we are both married .... we have "ended" twice during this period...once for 6 months. Anyway, we promised each other we would respect each others situations and if anything help protect it, cause we actaully dont want to get divorced.<br />
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My point is - you cant allow yourself to fall in love, the emotion is there and cant be denied, but the emotion must be controlled. When we have affairs it is to spice up our own lives without hurting our loved ones and also to have a secret that keeps us smiling in private moments.<br />
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You should let go and move on or cherish what u is cold and cruel, but right now - it is the truth.

Hi your story is very comforting as I am hoping my lover and I get back together! We are both married and i realise i allowed myself to fall in love which was probably the biggest mistake. How did you get back together? Did you stay in contact during your 6 month break? Please help I really want him back, neither of us want our marriages to break up but i am lonely and empty wwithout him.

Deva - did you get back together with your lover? If so, who made the first contact?

I did fall in love but I didnt expect him to cheat on his wife with me and cheat on me and his wife with amanda. now that is too much.

This just made me feel better! Thank you for those words. My question is how do you control the emotions?

1 More Response

affairs ending are never easy! I do understand your pain

its ok, l lost the woman i love in an affair to another man, the sad truth is that when we see each other i can see and feel how much we love each other, she is in mind always and i try to keep busy and move. you have to move day by day

I can absolutely relate. I'm someone who needs affairs. I've had many, and I've had my heart broken many times...and broken the hearts of others. It's all right for you to find another man...I'm sure you're someone who needs love and sex...maybe you'll always need love and sex from more than one person...some of us are like that...

Sorry, the pain the loss is certainly hard, but then you know it didn't work out. I had tried to get out of my affair twice, but mine was all out magic and still is and I think it's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. However, I am sorry about how my previous hopes and dreams went down the tubes by that. Now that you have a break, try to get over it, but isn't there a way you could try to fix your marriage? If my new love were to explode, I would really sit down and first come to closure on my marriage -- you know, fix it or unwind it.

I dont know what I hate more...that it is over or the fact that I am losing all self-respect by continuing to text him etc - in hindsight was your affair worth it? Did anyone know about it - that is hard to, feel like crying (actually am) but no one can know!

yes i understand had affair with 10 years younger boy now he is leaving me for another womanstill cannot stop calling him even after he has asked me to stop calling him