Having An Affair Was a Bad Decision For Me!

Over 10 years ago now, I met a man I worked with at a Fortune 500 company in Michigan.  I was in one department & he was in another.  I remember the first time I locked eyes with him; it was like the world had stopped and I still remember that day like it was yesterday.  I had always dated musicians and guys that were a little rough around the edges and unpolished.  Shawn (that's what I'll call him) was different.  He was professional, friendly, focused and had enchanting blue eyes.  Additionally, I remember thinking he was sort of nerdy but still found myself attracted to his boyish charm.   Back in '99, I was not married or in a relationship but Shawn was married with a child already.  It took me a long time to figure out his marital status and once I did, I was dissappointed.  At that time, Shawn and I mostly talked about work but then our conversations would switch to what we liked to do on the weekends, etc.  Funny he would never bring up his wife; it was general terms but I didn't sense any major dishonesty on his behalf.  Whenever I spoke to Shawn, I would get flustered and break out in a rash.  It was butterflies in my stomach & loved it.  I know he had to sense it but claims he couldn't at that time. I was trying to fight it but I knew I had a mad crush I couldn't share with anybody.  The harmless flirting (on my behalf) continued UNTIL I started to date my future husband (I'll call him Allen).  Allen & I had dated 2 years before but he ended up breaking it off with me because he wasn't ready for a relationship (he was newly divorced with a 6 yr old daughter). We got back together in the year 2000 & were engaged by the end of that year.  I was very much in love with Allen and still am but always felt resentful of him breaking it off with me a couple years before this time.  Anyway, Allen & I had good sex and were in love but by the time 2001 rolled around, I found myself fantasizing about Shawn again.  To this day, I still cannot explain my thought process!! I was newly engaged .. how on earth could I be thinking about somebody else??  Allen & I were slated to get married in 2002 and at the end of 2001, Shawn had invited me to ride along with him to a local mall on our lunch hour.  We had done this one other time together and it was fine.  This time, we had exchanged a very flirty/inappropriate e-mail about the bras at Marshall Field's and I told him he was being mischievous like me.  I had no idea that when I got into the car with him to drive to the mall that he would continue to ask me what I meant by "Mischievious".  I wouldn't answer him and got really nervous.  I finally turned to him and said, "I have a huge crush on you."  He pulled off the road and told me I was "Damn Sexy".  I felt crazy telling him this and then the guilt set in.  He held my hand & said "Do you want to act on anything?"  We immediately started to kiss.  It was marvelous.  I felt guilty/special/sexy/, etc.  The next day, we ended up having sex.  I could barely look at Allen, knowing he & I would get married 5 months later.  Shawn & I decided our relationship would be physical & confided in me that his wife barely tolerated sex.  I never told Allen about the tryst and Shawn & I never hooked up again until 6 months AFTER I was married.  (I know readers must think I'm a huge ***** but I'm not ..  Shawn was only the 3rd person I had been with sexually.)  There was something about him that drove me insane; he made me feel good and I enjoyed making him feel good since his wife didn't participate much in sex. It seemed she was only interested when it was time to conceive a child, which they now have 3.  I know Shawn loves her but was dissatisfied with this lack of relations in their marriage.  Other than this, he never bad-mouthed his wife and I never bad-mouthed Allen.  At the end of 2002 though after being newly married and then having relations with Shawn 3 more times, I was overwhelmed in guilt and ended the physical relationship and never craved it again .... UNTIL THE SUMMER OF 2007.  My husband & I haven't had any children together & I was tired of being on birth control and ended up going off of it.  From the time I ended the physical relationship with Shawn and the time I was interested in picking it back up in 2007, my husband & I were fighting a lot.  His daughter moved in with us in '06 and I was very upset by this.  She's wonderful but blood is thicker than water & it really changed the dynamic in our marriage.  Granted I could have a better disposition, but chose not to.  Again, I was looking for an outlet and chose the wrong path by picking up the affair.  During the 5 year lull with Shawn, he would send me e-mails asking if I wanted to pick it back up and I told him no.  Then in June of 2007, we had a couple steamy discussions over the phone and by the end of the year, we hooked up and this time, I have to be honest & admit I did not feel guilty anymore.  Again, my emotions got the best of me and Shawn made me feel like a woman and I know I made him feel great too.  Only this time, I pathetically found myself having feelings for Shawn, which I NEVER told him since there was clearly no future.   In 2008, we hooked up a few more times and in Aug of 2008, I ended up getting pregnant by Shawn!  I thought about ending it and not meeting him for sex in August because I felt myself getting closer to him and I knew anything beyond sex with him was hopeless and complicated ... I should have listened to my gut but didn't and fell into my stubborn ways.  I discovered 2 weeks later I was pregnant and had an abortion in September.  It was the most heart-breaking thing to ever happen to me considering I'm a staunch conservation but I digress.   I know anybody reading this could not possibly feel sorry for me.  Additionally, even me writing this out makes me see what a monster I truly had become.  Pure selfishness/self-centered person I was!  All things I have done in life have been ethical but I didn't even know who I was anymore in connection with this affair.  I told Shawn via e-mail about the abortion at the end of last year after it was all over.  I've never heard from him since and don't expect to.  I just wanted him to tell me he was sorry I had to go thru that but never heard a peep.  I felt cheap & used BUT I brought this all on myself so I'm not sure what kind of happy closure I was expecting. The poor, stupid choices I made with Shawn will forever haunt me.  Anyway, to make a very long story short ... if anybody is contemplating an affair, think twice about it.  Make sure you protect yourself (physically & mentally). If you do engage,  you need to have thick skin & be prepared for it to end abruptly.  There are many complicated aspects to an affair and none that could have ever prepared me for this!  If you sense trouble in your marriage, you should seek counseling.  I don't deserve the husband I have but am thankful god is letting me have another chance.  An affair won't resolve anything!  Best of luck and thank you for letting me share my story; it was helpful.   - Anne

sweetchild75 sweetchild75
11 Responses Feb 27, 2009

Anne do not beat yourself to a pulp. You have really done it tough and life sometimes just hurts and that hurt keeps at you. My view is that you MUST have love and joy in your life. Shawn gave you (and you gave him) so truly magical human interaction. I hope Allen can rise to the challenge and I pray that a beautiful family emerges from your loins. Never hesitate to love yourself Anne.

Thank you for your frankness. Its not only you, we all sometimes do the same kind of mistakes. If you follow your heart, someday you will know that these small mistakes are nothing compare to thousand and thousand memorable events of our life. Yes, when it happens it seems unbearable but overtime it flows away and at the end we realize that these are the experiences which help us to grow. Through difficulties we know more about our strength, and our way of coping difficulties tell us the path to follow. Best wishes for you.

I feel deeply for you in your pain. I have been in a nearly five year relationship with a man who is married as well. I wish I could just switch off my feelings for this man and appreciate the man I married to more. You should feel lucky that you learned who Shaun truly is through his actions toward you, you don't even have to look back, and you know there is nothing you are missing there.. you deserve much better !!!<br />
You are a warm, wonderful woman and it's time you forgave yourself, your pain was/is your atonement and if you can love your husband and carry on, do that. If you feel guilty and trapped, save yourself. We have this one time gift called life, and we are meant to feel true love and connection in order to thrive and live a long happy life. Sending you love and strength.

I like your message marmelade. Thx.

Happy Mother's day!!

Lord knows we forgive, and mother each man that walks into our lives, so even if you don't have your own... enjoy!!
I just re read your post, and you are lucky it's behind you. Your words about how you didn't recognize who you were, at the time... really resonate xxox

Affairs does not lead to any good only suffering prevails.You have learned a good lesson from your mistakes and from now onwards do not allow third person come into your life.Please love your husband wholeheartly.

I don't think you are a bad person...I just think you made a bad decision. First by having sex with a man (Shawn) who really could give to licks about you (come on, you weren't his wife, she was. If he REALLY cared about you, he'd make you his wife). Second, you got of the pill and got pregnant with another man's child, and then you ran away from your mistake by aborting it. <br />
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Admit what you did to your husband so he can decide what to do from here. IF he stays with you, both of you need to decide what went wrong to cause to to cheat. <br />
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Get counseling for yourself...why would you be satisfied with being a sex toy with Shawn and nothing more?

Thank you for sharing this story. I am about halfway through this process and struggling with what I should do. I think I am currently pregnant and I am not sure if the child is my husbands or my boyfriends. I know I have to be honest with both people but this is a very difficult point in my life. Again thanks for sharing and if anyone is judgmental about this they are self-absorbed.

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. An affair is a two way decision. I am sorry for all you have been through and wish you the best for the future.

I understand the emotional pain that you have gone over years. I think that you are very brave woman who share this story so openly. You are honest with yourself. There are many women in this world who sometimes try to solve their life problems, not necessarily the right way. Some people learn from other people's experience. And some just learn by actually going through their own difficult experience. Many of our difficult experience make us strong in life. Sometimes certain things in life we just have to let them go. Life is about learning and we learn from our mistakes and experiences of life, whether good or bad experience.

I truly appreciate you sharing your story. I don't think of you as a ****. I've been there and done all of that. I almost felt like you were telling my story. So, now I don't feel so alone.

MizBlue: Thank you for your comment. Yes, I was sharing this story because I've never told anyone except my mother. I'm sorry you had a similar experience too & that you've survived and lived thru it and SO WILL I. Thanks again for your thoughtfulness; you'll never understand how much I appreciate it. - A

Honey - I feel for you. There are women and men out there that will [I know you did not write this for attention - I just wanted that noted for the record]. <br />
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I know about those choices - they made you feel alive, excited, exanimate. Yeah - I know about those really, RALLY hard choices too. I had quite a similar situation when I was 23. I was very naive (you probably were too). <br />
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I know that you sheltered the guilt, and the pain all on your own for this - but Shawn needed to step up and accept the responsibility also. No response from the e-mail?? Yeah - because he dodged the bullet on that one, right?? I too digress - but every time I think of my life, or stories of other women on here, I can not help but realize that men truly, TRULY are too blame as much, if not MORE, than the women. <br />
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*HUGS* I can only tell you again - I know how hard this is, and even though this is years old, I know that part of this still lays in your psyche and pops up now and then. Be good to you - you deserve it. And remember - you are a fantastic woman.