I Don't Know How to Handle This.

I am currently going through my first deployment.We plan on getting married when he gets back. He deployed yesterday,but since were not married I have not been with him for the last month and a half.. We're from New Jersey and he was stationed in Alaska.He just got out of basic, AIT and airborne.As soon as he got a base he deployed.Hes going to be gone for a year.I was having a really hard time with him being in Alaska,only getting to talk to him on the phone because I'm use tobeing with him all the time.(we live together in Jersey) I kept telling myself he was not really leaving and then he left and I went to call him on his cell and couldnt anymore..I completely broke down.I don't know how to handle this and everyone keeps saying were both going to be different when he gets back and that scares me.I have not gotten out of bed since he left and now I can't even talk to him. I live with his mom and she thinks I'm not aloud to be upset,only she is because shes known him longer.. so its frusterating.When he was in alaska he was telling me how he felt like he was going crazy adn he didnt think he was going to make it,they sent him over there not knowing ANYTHING about his job.For like a week he was completely off, like telling me he didnt feel the same about me and he HATES cleaning and he would make messes just to clean,he got REALLY OCD he is a lively person and he wouldnt leave his room he would have random attacks and not be able to breath. The night he told me he didnt feel the same about me ,he started crying and stopped breathing and told me he couldnt do it without me that his natural judgement was to push me away so that I didnt get hurt because they told him the spouces,have it worse so he was trying to push me away but that he didnt want me to go and that he loved me.He's told me SO many times that he was going to end up being labled crazy and asked if I would still love him.. I asked him to talk to someone and he wouldnt he said even if he did he wouldnt tell them cause he was scared and they would only tell him to get over it because its the Army. but I got a hold of his Chaplan for his base and had him go talk to my fiance' but the chaplan said that he didnt tell him anything about it so he was fine.

I'm really scared that he will give up while hes gone.. I dont know what to do and because my fiance' is afraid of being labled crazy or being stuck there and people just making him an outkast he wont tell anyone so no one will REALLY listen to me.I am scared to death,and im trying to deal with that along with already being completely torn apart that hes gone.

I NEED help. My mom told me to find a group,that I sounded like I needed to have someone to talk to who inderstood and knew it was okay for me to feel the way I do.

anything will help.please.

thank you in advance.

loving1my1soldier13 loving1my1soldier13
18-21, F
11 Responses Feb 21, 2009

I know. It's a bit strange behaviour. It's confusing, isn't it. My boyfriend gone to iraq back in october. Now he was back for a week and now he is gone again. He wasn't exactly same this time round. Don't know what is it. But it could be the pressure and stress they need to cope with. <br />
Or they trying to not get used to you too much when they know they have to leave. <br />
totally know how you feel honey. It's really tough!!!<br />
Just try to hang on now.

thank you. really.. its the first time ive felt like people actually knew what i was talking about when i said how I was feeling.. thank you all so much.

This is the greatest group of ladies EVER! We all UNDERSTAND! This is the toughest most rewarding thing that you will ever have to endure, I'm not going to lie to you! IT WILL SOOOO SUCK! There are a roller coster of things that you will go through! BUT YOUR SO NOT ALONE! Some of us have been through something that others are just now experiencing, and vise versa.<br />
It doesn't get easier, but YOU WILL BECOME stronger!! I PROMISE! Hear if you need anything! AND WELCOME!

Thank you to everyone for the comments.. you have no idea how much they help.. as simple as it sounds, but its really nice to know im not crazy.. and im not alone..

Theres nothing wrong with prayer even if you haven't been close to God in a while. He is the one person that will allways love us and give us strength and wisdom. I find the best way to stay CLOSE to God is by reading a daily devotion and journaling on it. Just randomly pick a page after I have prayed and ask God for guidance and you know what. Its allways stuff I need to deal with. Its allways the message I needed to hear. Remember God will never give us more than we can handle and thats why he put us with Men in the forces because he knew we were strong enough to deal with everything that comes our ways. He placed us with our partners to grow and become stronger for one another. x

Hi, I too am about to join you in the first deployment. Mine, not my Honey's. It's his 3rd, and you took your first great step...coming here. We're all in this together and this IS an amazing group of women. I, along with my circle as contributors, are writing a book called "Voices Of The Silent Ranks" It's for women just like you. We had no idea what to expect in this military life, and were it not for the strong, wise, experienced women here, I'd still be crying every day. <br />
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We need to learn to control that, especially in front of our guys. It doesn't do them any good to know we're a mess! You can cry to us all you want, put you must be a strong, confident, supportive, proud partner. <br />
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Oh, and I am also from New Jersey. Jersey Girls are the toughest in the world. Now let's see it! And don't let his mom get to you. She should be supporting you in your feelings and if she's not, well...you know what I'm saying!<br />
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Hang in there. We're all here all the time!<br />
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Peace,<br />

My husband deployed almost a month ago and this is the first deployment I am going thru as well. We were married in December, but weren't living together when he got deployed. I am in the DC area and he was stationed at Ft Bragg, he is airborne as well. <br />
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The first week that he left I was miserable. I cried all day every day, at work, at home, in the car. It didn't matter, I couldn't hold myself together. All I thought about what that it was going to be so long until I saw him again. I'm very new to the military lifestyle and I just got thrown into immediatly so I just have had to adjust.<br />
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It's not easy and I wish I could tell you that it takes a little work but it gets better. I miss my husband everyday that goes by but you learn to cope with it and in that way it does get better. You wont stay in your bed and cry all day, but you have to work at that. And you HAVE to do that. I have tried not to think about myself and think about my husband. I know that being a military wife or fiance or girlfreind is a hard job, but I refuse to believe that it is harder than his job. My husband may be different than an average solider but I know it took him all that he is to be able to walk away from me and leave. He is over there just as miserable with out me than I am with him. And he is in another country not like ours fighting a war. Thats not easy! <br />
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So, what I do, is I try to be strong for him not for me. I know that your fiance has had trouble with things and it is an adjustment that will be made. But you have to let him know that you are there for him even tho he is over there. Make sure he knows that you are ok, and that is very hard at first! The first couple times I was able to talk to my husband all I did was cry and that made things worse for him bc he knew how miserable I was. Don't let him see that. Let him know how much you love him and are always here from him. I think it does help, and it helps you too. I take everything one day at a time, and dont think long term. I amlost made it thru my frist month! Thats one month closer! Thats how I look at it.<br />
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Every night I come home from work and I email him. That is the time that I set aside to be with my husband. I think thats a good thing to do. All I do is I let him know about my day, what I did, things that are on my mind, I let him know how much I love him and miss him and that we made it thru one more day. We are that much closer! Really it helps on both sides!<br />
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I know it feels like there is no way it can get better. And it wont be completely better until he comes home, but all you have to do is try. You will have your days, and thats ok. But be strong, if not for yourself for him. Take it day by day and stay as busy as you can. It's pretty much always on your mind but staying busy if nothing else passes the time! Thats all I really want to do!<br />
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I'm 11 weeeks pregnant too!! So, thats another one I get to tackle alone! Not looking forward to it, but I inlcude him on everythings as if he was here as best that I can! <br />
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It's so hard but you can cope!! I promise! If I can do it anyone can do it!<br />
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And being able to talk to people really helps. I completely understand what you are going thru and so do the other girls. They have really helped me and hopefully I can help you too!<br />
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Message me anytime! I always up to chat! it helps me a lot!<br />
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i do believe in God, i use to be really close..but ive slowly gotten further and further away..so im not sure if i should pray? but i do? idk im confused..

Bless, I don't think it will come to that point. If hes talking about it. Thats a cry for help. Just get him to talk to you as much as you can when he calls and let him know you love and support him 100%. That you are there for him and also tell him to talk to a Chaplin. Let him know whatever he says to him won't go any farther. The Chaplin won't go back to his bosses or tell anyone anything. Do you believe in God? If you do. Startr prayinga nd if not I will pray for him.x

but how do i get him help,what if he gives up?<br />
i've heard a lot about suicides and that scares the beegeebies out of me :(

Bless, Your caught in the middle. Things will work out and be ok. Just let him know you are here for him. Its had. I feel for you. Its hard for them because if they do go and talk to somone they can get medical downgrades and stuff. My husband has a drinking issue. When he drinks he becomes abusive so he didn't want o say anything. I got him to talk to his Padre (Chaplin) and he felt allot better. If he doesn't want to talk to him. Then just be thee for him and let him know you are there for him and if he need anything let him know you are. The best thing you could have done is joined Ep. Its a great place to meet so many lovely women and stay connected in a group where we all understand where you are comming from. I'm here if you want to chat. Stay strong and take it day by day.x