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I Messed Up Big Time!! Advice???

Hello,
  I am a 40 year old man going through, what seems to be an Inevitable, second divorce. I was married once before to a verbally abusive spouse. We divorced almost 8 years ago and had 1 child (now9). My current wife (age29) and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4. we have a daughter age 2.
We have been through alot of negative experiences in our 4 short years of marriage, including a year long court battle with my ex-wife that started right after our Honeymoon,  the untimely death of my Wife's stepfather from an auto accident. The chronic illness and lack of sleep for the first year and a half of our daughters life and my bouncing several jobs because of dissatisfaction. All of this has made me a miserable person to be around, easily angry, verbally abusive. I have recently started counseling for these issues in an attempot to rid myself of this darkness I feel is surrounding me to the point where I can't be happy about anything. I WANT TO CHANGE AND ADMIT THE PROBLEM.
  The Issue is That my wife has had enough. We have been seperated two times previously because of My behaivour and anger. Along with the fact that my wife is a conflict avoider. She tends to bottle things up when times are good so as "not to upset the apple cart". She says. I have said that that is exactly the time to bring things up and she has gotten a bit better.
  She said that things needed to change and I agree. I am attending counseling and so is she. I suggested counseling together to work on our communication and she declines. We did attend marriage counseling once before for communication issues and It worked GREAT until we stopped going after three sessions. She seems to have her mind made up that this is it. The Last thing I want to do is go through a second divorce and Lose this amazing , supportive, normally easy going woman. Like I said, I am going to a therapist and have a Doctor appointment for possible meds to help with these issues. Any opinions out there about whether this is over or I can salvage what I've destroyed? Any opinions about how a 9 year old will handle this? (She and my wife have a great relationship)..... NEED HELP!!!!!
spidermonkey25 spidermonkey25 36-40 2 Responses May 23, 2011

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I just read your story, many months later. After all of these months, where are you at in your situation today? Did it get 'better', or did it fall-apart? I too had been remarried, and I am a father of two (21 and 17 yrs. old). My first marriage lasted for 10 years; It was broken after the 7th year. I took a lot of emotional abuse, and I was financially ruined by it. I remarried, to a woman (w/o children) who I thought was my soul-mate. We have been married for nearly 10 years. Our marriage suffers because of financial tensions, depression (both of us), death (her father died recently), estrangement of my daughter (my daughter has been corrupted by my former wife into thinking that I am a 'bad father', and because I cannot give my daughter the things that money can buy), my limited income (I am permanently disabled - daily migraine headaches) and my wife's resentment that she works and cannot make ends meet), and the distance that my wife and I have put-up between ourselves (very little sex, and a lack of concensus about 'emotional connections'). I had learned from my 1st marriage that no matter how much one person (which was me) wants to work toward making things better, to save the marriage, if the other person has given-up there is very little that can be done. Maybe nothing can be done. My current marriage may be headed the same direction; I feel that I was missing the 'signals' for a few years, and now even though I love my wife and am willing to work to strengthen my marriage, my wife 'doesn't know if she wants to save it'. I am stunned to have heard my wife's revelation, but I know that if it heads downhill from here, I have to worry more about my fate/future. Survival will be the utmost importance. My first marriage ended in divorce, and every bad thing that could happen that year did! I lost my job (it was temporary, and I expected this), my car rolled-over a parking lot embankment, my car eventually died, I lost my apt. (no income), I had to move-in with my parents (very tense situation for myself and my two kids), I was in an auto accident (from a hit-and-run driver, not my fault), and the pending issues of that divorce. It was hell! I am not wanting to go through all of this again. It is very scary.

Hi There,



Ironically enough, right now I am probably where you were 8 years ago; I am currently going through a divorce with an abusive woman. Whilst I cannot possibly begin to know exactly how you feel, I would please, please, please ask you to remember something.



Think back 8 years to how you felt with your ex-wife, how I feel now. That feeling that you deserve to be treated so much better than you were being treated....that disappointment at how things turned out....that feeling of helplessness, wishing things could be better....and most importantly, that feeling of wishing you had a wife that spoke to you and treated you with respect.



From my understanding, now, you have a wife that generally treats you with respect (sure we all have problems, but generally she is a good person - right?)- PLEASE don't throw it away. Find a calm moment, maybe even have an understanding mutual friend or family member present. Tell your wife how much you love her, how sorry you are, how much you realise that you've made mistakes, and remind her how much she means to you. Tell her that you she does not need to answer you there and then, but you'd love to have the opportunity to show her how much you care about her.



After your chat, your wife will naturally confide in the mutual friend/family member, and this could be the added support you both need. Forget about the "embarassment" of others knowing your issues - rather risk embarassment & give yourselfs a chance of making things work, than go out with a whimper. From what you say, it's time to take a chance and "swing the bat".



The very best of luck to you - M :)