Unconventional Story

A month ago I decided I wanted a second divorce. After my first divorce, to a very good person, I decided I wouldn't date for a year. I was single (but did have relationships) for the next three years before meeting my second husband.

The first husband and I were great pals. We were not great lovers. In fact, he was a very reluctant lover of mine. He was the valedictorian of our college class, and I was a smarty pants, but I could only read so many books for so long while he did not touch me more than once a month--and it was usually initiated by me. (Our marriage lasted almost 7 years.) I eventually found someone else. I hardly realized what was happening; the person I was had been married to was my first serious relationship. --He had always had a lot of female friends (and believe me, it went no further with them.) So I started to think, why can't I have male friends? It didn't exactly work that way for me. I have learned in the time since that when people cheat, it's because something is wrong with the relationship.   

Well, I went on to lose my job, my home (I decided to move in with my parents, not wanting to be alone,) and had no kids. I know that kids suffer in a divorce, but at least they are there and that is love in your life. I started to regret not having kids, I regretted everything. Eventually my family got tired of my emotional distress. I got a job (a teaching job) and lost it. I had to move back in with them a second time. They hated me there. They said I was making their lives worse. (They are a very stable family and I was rocking the boat.)

Finally, I packed everything into the car and moved to a city where I knew exactly 1 person and lived in a motel before finding a job and buying a house.

Over time, knowing I couldn't trust my family, given their lack of support after my first divorce. I fell into thinking I was running some kind of marathon that had no end in sight. I just wanted to put my bags down and lean on someone else's shoulder...I was tired of waiting. I wanted to find out what a "real" marriage was like.

My second marriage has lasted almost two years. When I met him, he had no job, two kids (one autistic,) and one crazy ex wife.  Now that I've cleaned him up--he is more stable, the ex-wife has calmed down, he has a job, and he is a better parent, I feel that my time is done with him. I've been a great influence, and now I must move on, because...

He is a great lover but he does not talk to me. It's taken me two years to get him to a point where I can ask him a question and he'll answer right away, instead of there being a two minute time lag in there. All he will talk about is bicycles. That's cool for him, but I really cannot relate to this. 

I can't be physical with someone who doesn't talk to me. I really just won't. That's really just it in a nutshell. I can't say, "hey dude, read this book and we'll talk about it." He might read it, he won't talk about it. I ask all the questions around here, and he gives all short answers. Sometimes I like his computer brain, but...I meet the public in a lot of ways through my work and every so often I run into someone who actually likes talking to me and appreciates our connection. And sometimes, it's even a heart connection. These people may not be single, but they are not married, and I know some of them are with an unambitious and dumb ladies--just like I'm with a dull guy. I just can't stop comparing these connections to what I've got. It's getting to the point where they are openly flirting with me, and other people notice. I do not want to end up with another affair. I know that I won't, because my eyes are open now, but I can't stop attracting the good ones. Or, at least I think they are. I know that the dating process reveals much that perhaps would ultimately turn me off, but still...

I've got to go from this relationship--never-mind that it's a marriage. He's going to hate it. I don't really like it either. I don't want to be by myself every day, no end in sight. I do not want to choose again, someone else, because I "need" something. Even though I have a job, it's a jungle out there, and I'm not going to tell anybody I'm getting a divorce until it's final and I've ironed out the mess inside myself to the point where I don't think it will threaten the rest of what I've got going on. Perhaps that will work, perhaps some leaks will occur. I'm not a rock and I'll never be one. I just hope that the labels of "second divorces" and even "first divorces" don't keep me from being happy in the right person's future.
CompassionateWisdom CompassionateWisdom
1 Response May 10, 2012

I just read your post and I have to tell you that I am currently in the same situation. My first marriage was to a wonderful man but I was young and did not appreciate him. I thought I needed something different. Well fast forward to 2012. I remarry a man who I have known for about 3 years but dated for 8 months-long distance. He relocated to be with me but told me he was not sure if he wanted to get married. So I break up with him and move on.

Prior to him relocating, he told lies and would not keep his word about anything so I really did not trust him but I guess I was desperate and wanted to be married again. So after he asked me 100 times to marry him, I gave in like a jack A#@. I knew it was not the right thing to do because I did not think he was strong enough to handle life. So we are currently seperated because he feels like we have too many problems (I just want an emotional connection similar to what you mentioned and to rebuild trust.To feel like I come first). and does not want to put forth any effort. But he does not want to file for divorce. He just keeps saying he does not know. He sets deadlines to give me his answer but then he says he does not know on the date he set. Not sure if he is cheating. Says he is not but who knows. I am kind of confused at this point because I dont want to give up but I feel all alone.