Unconventional StoryA month ago I decided I wanted a second divorce. After my first divorce, to a very good person, I decided I wouldn't date for a year. I was single (but did have relationships) for the next three years before meeting my second husband.
The first husband and I were great pals. We were not great lovers. In fact, he was a very reluctant lover of mine. He was the valedictorian of our college class, and I was a smarty pants, but I could only read so many books for so long while he did not touch me more than once a month--and it was usually initiated by me. (Our marriage lasted almost 7 years.) I eventually found someone else. I hardly realized what was happening; the person I was had been married to was my first serious relationship. --He had always had a lot of female friends (and believe me, it went no further with them.) So I started to think, why can't I have male friends? It didn't exactly work that way for me. I have learned in the time since that when people cheat, it's because something is wrong with the relationship.
Well, I went on to lose my job, my home (I decided to move in with my parents, not wanting to be alone,) and had no kids. I know that kids suffer in a divorce, but at least they are there and that is love in your life. I started to regret not having kids, I regretted everything. Eventually my family got tired of my emotional distress. I got a job (a teaching job) and lost it. I had to move back in with them a second time. They hated me there. They said I was making their lives worse. (They are a very stable family and I was rocking the boat.)
Finally, I packed everything into the car and moved to a city where I knew exactly 1 person and lived in a motel before finding a job and buying a house.
Over time, knowing I couldn't trust my family, given their lack of support after my first divorce. I fell into thinking I was running some kind of marathon that had no end in sight. I just wanted to put my bags down and lean on someone else's shoulder...I was tired of waiting. I wanted to find out what a "real" marriage was like.
My second marriage has lasted almost two years. When I met him, he had no job, two kids (one autistic,) and one crazy ex wife. Now that I've cleaned him up--he is more stable, the ex-wife has calmed down, he has a job, and he is a better parent, I feel that my time is done with him. I've been a great influence, and now I must move on, because...
He is a great lover but he does not talk to me. It's taken me two years to get him to a point where I can ask him a question and he'll answer right away, instead of there being a two minute time lag in there. All he will talk about is bicycles. That's cool for him, but I really cannot relate to this.
I can't be physical with someone who doesn't talk to me. I really just won't. That's really just it in a nutshell. I can't say, "hey dude, read this book and we'll talk about it." He might read it, he won't talk about it. I ask all the questions around here, and he gives all short answers. Sometimes I like his computer brain, but...I meet the public in a lot of ways through my work and every so often I run into someone who actually likes talking to me and appreciates our connection. And sometimes, it's even a heart connection. These people may not be single, but they are not married, and I know some of them are with an unambitious and dumb ladies--just like I'm with a dull guy. I just can't stop comparing these connections to what I've got. It's getting to the point where they are openly flirting with me, and other people notice. I do not want to end up with another affair. I know that I won't, because my eyes are open now, but I can't stop attracting the good ones. Or, at least I think they are. I know that the dating process reveals much that perhaps would ultimately turn me off, but still...
I've got to go from this relationship--never-mind that it's a marriage. He's going to hate it. I don't really like it either. I don't want to be by myself every day, no end in sight. I do not want to choose again, someone else, because I "need" something. Even though I have a job, it's a jungle out there, and I'm not going to tell anybody I'm getting a divorce until it's final and I've ironed out the mess inside myself to the point where I don't think it will threaten the rest of what I've got going on. Perhaps that will work, perhaps some leaks will occur. I'm not a rock and I'll never be one. I just hope that the labels of "second divorces" and even "first divorces" don't keep me from being happy in the right person's future.
CompassionateWisdom 31-35 1 Response 0 May 10, 2012