I Never Thought It Would Happen Again

after the first marriage ended i took three years to work on myself and support my child.  then i met this great guy - stable, secure, honest, and strong.  we moved in together within a year and were married a couple of years later.  i ignored the signs - unable to share feelings, no respect for what was important to me, lack of insight into what made him tick.  when we ran into problems several years into the marriage, i thought getting help for his depression would make everything better.  it didn't.  after nearly 12 years together, i found out that he had a drinking problem, which he went to great lengths to hide.  we tried to work through that - i began attending Al-Anon meetings - but the final straw was finding out he'd had a "fling" with a colleague.  

i am devastated.  my first husband left me for another woman and has now married her and had two children with her.  i have always made it clear that i want honesty in my relationship.  the last thing i expected was that my second husband would cheat on me.  i realize it's not the reason we split up, but it is the reason we will never get back together.  and we still care very deeply for each other.  he is full of remorse for his actions.  i can forgive and i have, but i can't forget.

i cannot understand how i, an educated, funny, professional woman with good interpersonal skills, could have ended up in relationships with these men.  what is it about me?  that's where i'm stuck.  i'm embarrassed at having my second marriage fail.  i didn't feel like a failure when the first marriage ended, but i certainly feel like one now.  i can't seem to get past the shock and despair over this.  to make matters worse, my 2nd ex and i are still friends.  i say this is worse because i look at him and can't understand how we ended up in this place. 

shiningstar867 shiningstar867
51-55, F
4 Responses Oct 12, 2009

I, like you, can not begin to believe that this is happening, AGAIN! My second husband was my rebound. I know that now, albeit a lil too late, as I am in the throes of divorce, AGAIN. This man was married before, too, and his ex cheated on him. So, he hated the cheaters, and lo and behold, turned into one himself. Who coulda thought? We'll get through this, and never ever ever do it again, damn it!

Feeling like a failure? I completely understand. I entered into my second marriage thinking, believing, that I could be everything that I wasn't in my first marriage with my new husband. Wrong thinking. This guy ended up being a control freak, manipulator, drama queen, insecure and what's worse turned all of this negativity onto me making me feel guilty for almost everything. I left him a year into our marriage because of his aggressiveness but felt guilty and went back to him. Things only got worse, he became very demanding, expecting more. I felt, because i had left before, that i couldn't say anything to him or else he would get upset. What's worse is that i have another daughter from a previous marriage and i feel like i just dragged her along with me 8-(. I don't know why i married him, i knew he was the way he was but i did it anyways. I blame myself for not waiting or analyzing myself before making this decision. I believe that loneliness plays a major role into our decision making abilities blinding us or making us believe that we can ignore certain aspects of the other person. That perhaps we can make them change or be the ones that can take care of them emotionally, financially or whatever else they need. Wrong thinking. We can't. Now, i need to be aware of how i'm feeling before i decide to even date. I'm buzy with 2 kids now and i'm on my way to recovery. Hope it's fast.

I can completely understand where you're coming from. Keep in mind something about yourself no matter what type of relationship you are in whether it be a friendship, marriage, co-workers etc. You cannot control how another will act or react in situations. It's also not your fault.<br />
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What you should think about instead is how you react and handle yourself in these situations. That's the best anyone can do. Keep your chin up and like the poster above says, don't shut down. The right one does come along eventually.

Wow - I guess optimism is a powerful thing. I understand the logic of not shutting down but on an emotional level I just can't imagine opening myself up to another relationship. Maybe once the grieving is over I'll feel differently but right now, man, if there was a big enough rock around here, I'd be under it!