Day 1 ..

Day 1 was a hard hard day. The only thing I was able to do was to roll out of bed to eat. And eat. And eat some more. I can't stop eating..

It didn't help that the night before I had a fight with my guy. Because we had a small argument, the whole day I sat around hoping that I was dead....which made me realize that I have a very weak coping mechanism. Sounds about right, no?

I mean, for other adults, a minor verbal argument may end up in perhaps a bad mood. But for myself, the smallest ... and I mean the SMALLEST little thing going wrong results in me wanting TO DIE. Now thinking back on it... I realize that the response does the merit what has happened and is exaggerated. Next time I go through this, I will keep this in mind. 

I think part of this is because I have a very low self esteem. I didn't realize this until now. All of the things that I used to place my self worth on was very fleeting things- like the way I look, or the amount of people I can get to like me, my job, etc. Somehow innately I have told myself to view me in light of those things. I feel like I need to rewire the most basic parts of my self esteem to get through this depression.

If you're reading this, and you're trying to beat this thing as well.... maybe you too have a broken coping mechanism for whatever reason. Maybe figuring out what that reason is and strengthening it is a foundation for getting back on your feet. 

Well, I am happy to report day 2 is going much much better . I will write about it tomorrow because I'm still in the middle of the day. I wish you the best bEST BEST of luck! 


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1 Response Mar 4, 2009

It's just one day at a time. Don't sweat the little things in life. Just try to deal with your situations and make the best of them. I, too, deal with depression. It gets better as time goes by. If your depression gets that bad, where you feel like you have a hard time coping with it, perhaps you should seek professional help for it. It's not the worst thing to admit you have a problem. Perhaps the doctor can put you on some medication which will help you deal better with the depression. It helped me. If you want to discuss this further, I will be happy to talk to you.