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I Thought I Did...

I decided to become a doctor a few years ago, after longing to be an author (love reading) and then a psychologist (I'm not proud of this, but it was because of good pay and flexible hours).

I've just started Med School in France. It's a terrible system: they accept ANYONE and then at the end of the first year, make us sit for a crazy exam which only 20% of people pass (including those who sit for it twice).

This means we have to cram every little thing the teacher says from the very first day to the very last- and REMEMBER it.

The problem is... I've never lived alone before. I spent a good week moping and crying and skyping with my family. I was so homesick, I didn't do a scrap of studying.
Then last week I made a friend. I felt lazy and stuff so I didn't do anything again, putting it off to this weekend. I went clubbing for the first time in forever last friday and had an unforgettable time- now all I want to do is go out.

My friend and I had made a pact to study as soon as we got home. She did. I did NOT. I stayed on the internet all day, skyping and chatting and discovering EP.

I thought I would study today.
Hahaha. AS IF.

Now I have to get ready to go to the movies.

I'm already behind on my work, and it's only the 2nd week of college. College life and activities are non-existant, and all I want to do is LEAVE and study elsewhere.

But I have to finish this year.

I hate having such a defeatist attitude, but I can't help but feel that I'm already so far behind I'll never catch up. And because of that, I can't be bothered to try. I hate myself for thinking this way. I even started having doubts about becoming a doctor, even though I KNOW that's what I want to do in life.

Am I just too freaking weak? lazy? irresponsible? Unable to control myself?
SIGH. Help!
LaDiva2708 LaDiva2708 18-21 1 Response Sep 19, 2010

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Man, I feel for you. I started out college as a naively confident, devout pre-med, and now senior year, I am struggling to pass my classes and graduate. <br />
How did your exams go?<br />
You are not lazy or weak. You have legitimate negative emotions that you are having difficulty coping with. <br />
Premeds often put a lot of pressure on themselves, which when not dealt with head-on can accumulate and combust into disaster. <br />
I know firsthand how premeds who struggle emotionally are discouraged from pursuing a medical career.<br />
But we are all imperfect, flawed, and carry emotional baggage. It's what makes us uniquely human.<br />
You will come out the other end from this and will become a stronger, more compassionate doctor for it.