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I Thought I Did...

I decided to become a doctor a few years ago, after longing to be an author (love reading) and then a psychologist (I'm not proud of this, but it was because of good pay and flexible hours).

I've just started Med School in France. It's a terrible system: they accept ANYONE and then at the end of the first year, make us sit for a crazy exam which only 20% of people pass (including those who sit for it twice).

This means we have to cram every little thing the teacher says from the very first day to the very last- and REMEMBER it.

The problem is... I've never lived alone before. I spent a good week moping and crying and skyping with my family. I was so homesick, I didn't do a scrap of studying.
Then last week I made a friend. I felt lazy and stuff so I didn't do anything again, putting it off to this weekend. I went clubbing for the first time in forever last friday and had an unforgettable time- now all I want to do is go out.

My friend and I had made a pact to study as soon as we got home. She did. I did NOT. I stayed on the internet all day, skyping and chatting and discovering EP.

I thought I would study today.
Hahaha. AS IF.

Now I have to get ready to go to the movies.

I'm already behind on my work, and it's only the 2nd week of college. College life and activities are non-existant, and all I want to do is LEAVE and study elsewhere.

But I have to finish this year.

I hate having such a defeatist attitude, but I can't help but feel that I'm already so far behind I'll never catch up. And because of that, I can't be bothered to try. I hate myself for thinking this way. I even started having doubts about becoming a doctor, even though I KNOW that's what I want to do in life.

Am I just too freaking weak? lazy? irresponsible? Unable to control myself?
SIGH. Help!
LaDiva2708 LaDiva2708 18-21 1 Response Sep 19, 2010

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Man, I feel for you. I started out college as a naively confident, devout pre-med, and now senior year, I am struggling to pass my classes and graduate.

How did your exams go?

You are not lazy or weak. You have legitimate negative emotions that you are having difficulty coping with.

Premeds often put a lot of pressure on themselves, which when not dealt with head-on can accumulate and combust into disaster.

I know firsthand how premeds who struggle emotionally are discouraged from pursuing a medical career.

But we are all imperfect, flawed, and carry emotional baggage. It's what makes us uniquely human.

You will come out the other end from this and will become a stronger, more compassionate doctor for it.