So I've always had a self defeating attitude. I've always questioned things like "am I good enough?" "why do people like me?" "what do I bring to the world?" "am I even going to be missed when I'm gone?" Stuff like that, no matter what other people told me and no matter how many times I was shown differently I couldn't help but think that way. But I want to change, I'm going to change. I've realized lately more and more that I'm actually somewhat of badass. All this time that I have been beating myself up I could have spent being the guy everyone wants to know, being the life of the party, living up to the path I apparently already made for myself. It took running away to realize this though. I didn't runaway for real, I took a vacation by myself to Los Angeles, I went there alone and friendless just to get away from life and in that weekend I made a lot of great friends, met a lot of cool people, called all my own shots and people followed. This could be me all the time... this should be me all the time. I have some pretty deep relationships around me and I've realized (at least to the people i've met so far) that I'm the kind of person you meet and wonder how you ever went without me. I'm the kind of friend that sounds too good to be true and I know this all sounds really ****** cocky but now that I can see the world around me and the people around me and the things that I have done I can say that with pride. But its not who I am all the time and I need to make the change to make that guy permanent.
Written on January 13th, 2010