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Therapy? Part 3

Madre is in her familiar position, half curled up, creating a comfortable half enclosure for Elwing to lean in and against. Wings drooping, Elwing is leaned against Madre's side, one hand on the great, tattered dragon's tail. Madre lets out a soft, 'Whruf?' Perhaps she wishes Elwing to continue?

I... Feel alone. I feel desolate. I feel isolated. I feel... Like an orphan. I feel like a hermit. Yet I feel exuberant, full of life, energetic. Its springtime, FINALLY. There are flowers and so many shades of beautiful, vibrant green everywhere. But underneath it all, there's always that bit of me that doesn't feel right. Why can't I just be happy?

My fiance apparently told the landlord that we would want to stay here another year, once the lease is up. Which, isn't so bad. I absolutely LOVE this house. I just... I wish I could have a dog, or find some way to not feel so lonely. I've tried desperately to make friends, but... Well, people just simply keep giving me odd looks like they think I'm crazy. I'm so desperately lonely... Something's gotta give, and the way things're going, its gonna be me. I can't do this.

Madre bobs her head a bit, as if nodding an agreement... But she shifts, long neck turning her head back to nudge the side of Elwing's face, as if telling her to go on, get to the point.

I had originally set about with this current therapy session intent on talking more about how lonely I was. But for some reason... I can't stop thinking about my mother. I can't remember a single happy memory between me and her. Oh, sure. I can remember a few 'content' ones, from after I'd already left the house. But no truly happy ones, between she and I. In fact, I think the earliest memory I have of me and my mom was her crying and screaming, bawling. I can remember her crying out to her own mother. I remember, trying desperately to get my mother to tell me what was wrong, to talk to me... I remember being confused, scared. I don't remember my mom ever singing to me. I don't remember her helping me with any science projects. I don't remember her taking me somewhere, just because I wanted to go. She didn't go with me to get my senior pics taken. She never came to another school to watch one of my speech and debate competitions. She never came to another school to watch any of my vocal competitions. I don't remember doing anything with her, just she and I, and having it turn out as a 'nice' outing. I don't remember making cookies with her. I don't remember sitting and talking for no reason, about anything important to ME. I don't remember her ever even pretending to be interested in any of my own interests... And people wonder why I never felt like I had a mother.

Madre again 'nods', settling her head at Elwing's feet. The girl'goyle simply leans, not shedding a tear, arms folded across her chest, beneath her breasts. She sighs deeply, and sinks to sit, leaning against the great dragon. And... That's that. For now.

Elwing Elwing 31-35, F 4 Responses May 18, 2008

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I have a son. :D And, we do those things together. But its not the same as having an adult friend.

My dad and I are close... To be honest, sometimes I really believe he thinks of me more as a sister than a daughter. He often 'mistakenly' refers to my grandmother (his mom) as our mom or my mom, or does the same with my grandfather. He and I are close enough to be able to talk, but there's a rift there, because of something my mother did a long time ago, that even being as close as we are can't fix.

Thank you, followinitdown...<br />
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Michichibi - Sometimes I think people just let outward appearances decide who'll make a good friend and who won't. I've been given all out weird looks for attempting to chitchat, make small talk even, with people. <br />
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andnowthis - I've been desperately pining for a dog. We live out in the middle of nowhere, at least 30 miles from the nearest town even big enough to have a Humane Society. We rent our house, and the landlord says no, though I'm sure, if we 'pushed', I could have a dog. I just... I'm terrified of the confrontation that might arise, should I be the one to speak to the landlord. Knowing me, my emotions would get a bit out of control. I keep begging my fiance to do it, but he refuses. He's scared if we say/do something 'wrong' we'll get evicted in a heartbeat, though our landlord has been an extremely understanding guy... Especially when it comes to pets. I've got two rats and a cat.

i cankind of relate. I have a sis 13 yrs older, and she took over for the caring and compassion mother left out. And I agree with how hard it is to make friends. I guess at times I'm too loopy, and other times I'm too introverted.