I KNOW i am a terrible person, at least sometimes. Right now i feel like im on the crux of what is right and my id (screaming all over the place)
I might have told you (somewhere on this webside) about the first person i TRULY loved. I mean, carve a piece of your heart out you are not going back love. Jack... my jack. But let me summarize anyway.
We were in and out of love from the time i was 14 until i was 22. We'd break up, see other people, know life and then get together. Honestly i thought the pattern would repeat until i was grown up enough to get married, be his wife.. all that. But it didnt.
I didn't break us, he didnt break us... but a series of bad choices did. My crazy drove the wedge in deeper and caused a split that could not be repaired. He broke contact... at first i was depressed but eventually came to grips with it.... even though i loved him and would never forget him. 6 months later the dreaming started. I would dream of him like we had never come apart. I would feel him, smell him, taste him like we were one. Since then (6years) anytime i quit thinking about him for an extended period, the dreams would come.
It was quite an obsession for a while, i would comb the internet for hours for a glimpse of what he was doing, where he was- but there was nothing.
And probably better that there was nothing... i wasnt really healthy then. I was really almost to the point of letting go... for real letting go.
and there he is...
Friend-ed by an old high school friend on facebook- that he is also friends with. I couldnt resist looking at some pictures- glad to see him with his beautiful wife and children.
No worries- i am not going to cyber-stalk him, i am a grown up with a life of my own. I am not going to contact him, as he deserves to be happy and free and when you really love somebody that is what you want for them. To find love and happiness that they need.
but there's twin headache inside me for what i would want to say if he were to contact me.
Part of me really wants to apologize. Explain that i was not well when i was younger. That the mental illness i suffer from had shattered my reality and what i wanted more than anytime is to be loved, to feel loved. That the only way i knew how to define love was with attention, sex, and possession. That i wish it could have been different for us, but that he was an important part of my life that i would never take back. That even with reality fractured all around me, he was the solid thing i clung to in the confusion and that i am greatful for that. That i am so happy to see him happy.
The other part of me, the obsession wants to rail at him for abandoning me, for giving up on me. Those could have been MY CHILDREN, MY FAMILY, and while he got all the stability and happiness he needed i am still trying to make sense of the pieces that feel all around me once i could really see. I want to know why he didnt KEEP HIS PROMISES to me when he was in the marine corps - why he didnt understand the constant anxiety and strain it caused me for him to be in the military. I want to scream at him for being somebody i looked for constantly and eternally that i could never ******* find.... that i used him to measure everyone i ever loved since. I want to know that it hurt him as much as it hurt me.
And that is why i am a bad person today- not because i have any intention of doing those things, because i dont.
But sometimes the thought is worse than the deed and my thoughts are so selfish right now.
Part of me prays he will see me as a mutual friend of the person i friended today and want to reconnect as mature adults
part of me hopes that he will just stay the **** away...
but i will leave it up to fate because i really want answers
and im just to damned polite to ask for them.
Shierke 26-30, F 0 Jun 28, 2012